Days by the Drums

Behind these hazel eyes

Every time I see his picture, the hazel-colored eyes stare back at me. And there is this intense, palpable pain shaking the very core of my heart- each time.

The very same eyes that did not want or wish to see anyone else for one last time - except me. I was the only image that those eyes wanted to take with it for its final journey. I still feel the pain of seeing the sadness in those eyes - disappointment for leaving me half way. 

I recalled the times we spent - filled with contention and happiness in our hearts - despite the bleakness in our future which both of us knew very well. Neither of us, wanted to talk about what will happen. But we knew, what eventually would happen. We lived each day as it comes. Thanking God every day for one more opportunity to be together.

The eyes remind me of the promise I have made to him - the things that I would do or rather, promised to do, when he is no longer there for me. Often I wish, that was not the case though. I feel, the pain I had to endure due to my "circumstances" after losing him is worse than the things I had to go through while he was around. Such is the fate for someone bounded by the rules of community. Something that neither he nor I, expected.

The thing I loved most, was his eyes. So full of hope.

So full of love.

Something that keeps my chin up

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

When someone belittles me, Mr Gandhi's words keep me going. :)

Travel + Photography + Gorilla Pod

Inspiration!

A lost home

I've been wanting to write about this a long time.

Today, after almost 3 years being "homeless", I finally got myself a temporary wardrobe. It's nothing too spectacular, just a self-assembled wardrobe with non-woven cover. 

And I used to have a home with built-in wardrobe large enough for all my things. 

I get really sad when I think about this. I built a home, a nice one, I got everything I needed, it was a complete home and I thought I have settled down. Little did I know, that was not the case. I had to move back with my parents despite still having a house on my own. I had to move all my things back to my parents temporary home and put up in a 100 square feet area - my current room. I had to "borrow" my mom's wardrobe to keep part of my clothes. And often it is also had to be shared with my younger sister - which leads to another dilemma - our clothes are getting mixed up.

At my age, I am yearning for independence and my own space. It would not have made a difference if I have been this way all the time. But I was not. I had my own space. My own place to keep things. My own kitchen. My own TV. My own life.

People around me are treating me as if my life just ended - and that I have no future. I don't know how long would it take for these same people to realize that what I have lost is love - not my self or my mind. I still have every bit of myself with me and my sanity is still in check. I still have a life to live and move on until it is my time to greet Sathyan on the other side. Until then, my life is running - nothing else has stopped. 

But then, the "community talk" kicks in and starts another whirlpool of problems. There seems to be something utterly wrong for a single woman to stay on her own and be by herself. Every single man she befriends after a certain age or time is being evaluated. Someone always wants to take control of her :) Pointing what is right or wrong by their own definition and expects the woman to obey it. And it often comes from a person who doesn't have control over his/her life. 

Yes there are immature single women out there, but anyone who knows me well would be intelligent enough to know I am not one of them, and would be smart enough to fend of any "talks" saying I don't know what I am doing. I am a person with my own principles and I know what I want in my life. If I make a mistake - it's a lesson learned for me and I take responsibility for it. I don't remember blaming anyone for things that do go wrong in my life. More often, good or bad - I get with it, instead of blaming every single living soul around me for every single thing that goes wrong. 

Going back to my wardrobe - it does minimize the already minimum space I have been allocated with. But, I have no choice - I need it and this should do. For now. 

At least until someone decides to adopt me, and give me a new a home. :) I do sound like a puppy abandoned on the streets, don't I?

Sometimes, that's how I feel.

24.08.2012

The coffee and me

And they actually asked me whether I want the cold Frappuccino.

Never knew there's the hot version of Frappuccino. :P