How I am glad

... that I workout often!

All I needed was a jolt of motivation and I signed up for gym membership last January. Ten months through the journey, I am still hitting the gym few times in a week as my work schedule permits. I have skipped out few times, but I always go back.

I didn't exactly lose a lot of weight. But I definitely feel more powered, energized and happy. Weird, but yes, it keeps my mind off from stress and worry, and everything else in between. My stamina improved and I can do more things without feeling tired. 

Oh, and I did lose some weight :) 

Today, I was grateful I made the decision to invest in gym membership and make time to workout. Why? Because, I was able to wash my SUV all by myself. I did bring my car to the usual car wash saloon but they were packed today (being weekend and all...) and I had no option but to somehow figure out a way to wash it. 

So, it's self-wash day then.

I came back home and parked the car only to realize the hose which is usually long was replaced with a shorter version (whatever happened to the old one). It was really short. 

So I can't wash the car using a hose. I had to use a bucket to catch the water and splash it on the car - top to down. This alone required a lot of energy and strength. And I managed to get it done. In about 2 hours or so. But it was all worth it to see Buster 2.0 gleam and sparkle. Partly because, the car was just polished 3 weeks back and I used wash+wax solution for the car wash. And of course, the effort I put in to wash it carefully.

I also wore my gym clothes to wash the car! The idea initially came as I thought I will be sweating a lot, but it helped to keep me dry from all the water splashing activity! I felt this was a marvelous self-discovery on my side :P

The best thing was, I did not feel tired afterwards.

The Missing piece

There is always some form of incompleteness in my life these days. I know a very important piece is missing. I also know what it is.

The only thing that is making me sad right now is the fact that I could do nothing about it. Right now, at least. 

Probably I should start keeping fish again. They used to keep me company.

And never complained.

A lost home

I've been wanting to write about this a long time.

Today, after almost 3 years being "homeless", I finally got myself a temporary wardrobe. It's nothing too spectacular, just a self-assembled wardrobe with non-woven cover. 

And I used to have a home with built-in wardrobe large enough for all my things. 

I get really sad when I think about this. I built a home, a nice one, I got everything I needed, it was a complete home and I thought I have settled down. Little did I know, that was not the case. I had to move back with my parents despite still having a house on my own. I had to move all my things back to my parents temporary home and put up in a 100 square feet area - my current room. I had to "borrow" my mom's wardrobe to keep part of my clothes. And often it is also had to be shared with my younger sister - which leads to another dilemma - our clothes are getting mixed up.

At my age, I am yearning for independence and my own space. It would not have made a difference if I have been this way all the time. But I was not. I had my own space. My own place to keep things. My own kitchen. My own TV. My own life.

People around me are treating me as if my life just ended - and that I have no future. I don't know how long would it take for these same people to realize that what I have lost is love - not my self or my mind. I still have every bit of myself with me and my sanity is still in check. I still have a life to live and move on until it is my time to greet Sathyan on the other side. Until then, my life is running - nothing else has stopped. 

But then, the "community talk" kicks in and starts another whirlpool of problems. There seems to be something utterly wrong for a single woman to stay on her own and be by herself. Every single man she befriends after a certain age or time is being evaluated. Someone always wants to take control of her :) Pointing what is right or wrong by their own definition and expects the woman to obey it. And it often comes from a person who doesn't have control over his/her life. 

Yes there are immature single women out there, but anyone who knows me well would be intelligent enough to know I am not one of them, and would be smart enough to fend of any "talks" saying I don't know what I am doing. I am a person with my own principles and I know what I want in my life. If I make a mistake - it's a lesson learned for me and I take responsibility for it. I don't remember blaming anyone for things that do go wrong in my life. More often, good or bad - I get with it, instead of blaming every single living soul around me for every single thing that goes wrong. 

Going back to my wardrobe - it does minimize the already minimum space I have been allocated with. But, I have no choice - I need it and this should do. For now. 

At least until someone decides to adopt me, and give me a new a home. :) I do sound like a puppy abandoned on the streets, don't I?

Sometimes, that's how I feel.

Inspiration

When you are walking in a dark place, where there is nothing you can see or have a clue where you're heading to - a torch light would help, wouldn't it?

I call that inspiration. 

A source of light that provides you a sense of direction. It may or may not point you towards the right path, because where you are heading lies within the decisions you make. But the torch light lets you see clearly where you're going. And it will stay with you - it wouldn't decide to suddenly stop working just because you took a path the torch light did not like. Would it? :)

A year back, everything was bleak for me. I was so sure I wouldn't make it through the next one year alive. I am not weak - I just didn't see the purpose why I should even be alive. When life goes out of plan, most of us surrender. When you're older, it gets much tougher to change things around you and start over - most things are almost settled down and in my case, I've settled down at a much younger age. It was difficult and no one really understood the struggle I was against at. 

"The hardest part of the ending, is starting again." - Waiting for the End, Linkin Park.

I was walking in the dark with no sense of belonging and purpose. From the outside I knew I looked fine. For everyone. But from the inside, I knew that wasn't the case. The worst part? I didn't even know my problem was the loss of purpose in my life until my friend came along and pointed to me - find yourself back. She was right, I had to find myself back but how?

I needed inspiration and encouragement, and a jolt of motivation. With my best friend's help, I saw a light pointing me to a direction, picked up pace and built my confidence. But to move on further in life, you need more than that. I needed more than that. 

There has to be a solid pillar, that I can hold on to and feel safe. And at times, it turns into a torch light that stays with me showing me the way when I needed it.

I am lucky to have found my torch light.

Essence of Bhagavad Gita

"Whatever happened, happened for the good; whatever is happening, is happening for the good; whatever will happen, will also happen for the good only. You need not have any regrets for the past. You need not worry for the future."

"What did you lose that you cry about? What did you bring with you, which you think you have lost? What did you produce, which you think got destroyed? You did not bring anything - whatever you have, you received from here. Whatever you have given, you have given only here. Whatever you took, you took from God. Whatever you gave, you gave to him. You came empty handed, you will leave empty handed. What is yours today, belonged to someone else yesterday, and will belong to someone else the day after tomorrow. You are mistakenly enjoying the thought that this is yours. It is this false happiness that is the cause of your sorrows."

"Change is the law of the universe. What you think of as death, is indeed life. In one instance you can be a millionaire, and in the other instance you can be steeped in poverty. Yours and mine, big and small - erase these ideas from your mind. Then everything is yours and you belong to everyone."

"This body is not yours, neither are you of the body. The body is made of fire, water, air, earth and ether, and will disappear into these elements. But the soul is permanent - so who are you?"

"Dedicate your being to God. He is the one to be ultimately relied upon. Those who know of his support are forever free from fear, worry and sorrow."

What today means to me

The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and weaknesses and still thinks you're completely amazing.

:)

Every sunset, has a sunrise

There is one thing I learned -

The world doesn't stop moving just because your world stopped one fine day.

People carry on doing what they do. Yes, they get sad and all depressed looking at you going through a hard time, but really, no one bothers anything else after that. They probably get worried once a while thinking what you'd be up to and doing, but then again really, no one is really bothered.

Losing a love is almost like seeing the world come to a standstill. Time just stops - for you only by the way. The rest around you stop momentarily and look at you and will be kind enough to make the time move a little. But after some time, they too have a life to take care of. That is when you must know, it's time for you to move on. The world doesn't stop, just because yours did.

Pull yourself out of it, or risk being sucked into a timeless depression that brings you no where. I am glad though, that it didn't take long for me to get myself back on track. Looking back at the past year, I am happy  I took several decisions that made my life much more meaningful. I am glad, I did not waste my time by being sad and worried of what people might say.

Of course, there will be those who would say things one way or another. It goes back to yourself which ones you would want to listen and let steep in your heart and mind. Someone who reads my blog regularly sent me an email, suggesting that I should I watch the movie P.S I love you. For a person who had nothing to lose, buying a DVD to watch a recommended movie is not much of an hassle. And so I did.

That movie made me realize it is OK to be happy. It is OK to go for a vacation. It is OK to laugh and do things you love. It is OK to fall in love again. 

The movie also made me realize, that you can get really sad when you find out people around you are actually doing something with their lives while you drag yourself into endless list of whys. Because, like I said, no one is really bothered about anything. No one wants to stick around a cry baby for eternity. Complaining and analyzing why some bad things happen to you is not going to bring any good.

So here I am, being glad for how things turned out. :)

Your time is... limited

Just Lost.

Few things crossed my mind today. 

At a certain point of time I had (almost) everything, and I was very grateful. I would tell Sathyan all the time, despite being able to afford many things, we chose to live within an average means - just being grateful we have proper clothes, nice food, a great roof above our heads and most importantly, we had each other.

And then it came a time that we had to let go many of the "luxuries" we had. At that very moment, we realized our love for each other conquered all. It wasn't really the cars we had, or the comfy home we stayed or the nice places we chose to have our dinners. It was the feeling that we still had each other to hold on to despite the hardships that we faced. It gave me so much of strength. 

One of Sathyan's wishes was to get a good car for me. Within the short period of 5 months that he was alive after the hospital discharge, he took every effort there was to find a decent, safe car for me. He simply feels my Buster will not be able to keep me safe for long. He finally did get one, but he passed away before the car even got to me - which made me decide there is no point of getting the car when he is no more. But the fact he went all out to ensure I get the best despite still struggling with cancer, was indeed admirable.

The first time I wanted to buy a car, I had zero support from those around me. The second time round, I had one but that too ended tragically. The struggle now continues with me. The good thing is, I am not biased when it comes to cars. The not-so-good thing is,  I know nothing about cars. :)  So there you go, my struggle has begun...

Going through the heaps of choices we have in Malaysia, I am just devastated. Buying a car is a whole lot worse than deciding to get married - it's that hard to decide. I am just glad I did manage to test drive few cars while Sathyan was alive (and rocking :)).

Suddenly it hit me - I have been wanting something that is good enough which would make Sathyan be really proud of me. But that something is so difficult to find. As I kept scrounging for more information, I get more and more confused. As I read more and more reviews or comments online, I realized one thing - how petty Malaysians are. And how I am turning into one.

It's a car - for God's sake. What should matter is comfort and safety - my Buster had neither but I have been happy with it for the past 8 years. So happy that I have decided not to sell it at all. It just reminds me the grateful feeling I once had - happy with what I have and not ask for more. There are people out there who can't even afford to take a bus!

If there is one thing that I learned from my experience is being thrifty. Buying a car is no investment and yet the amount of money spent to have one is just ridiculous. Simply absurd - that I feel buying my third home would give me a much better return for my money than a car. Sigh...

I am just lost. :(

Just a piece of my mind.

It's a weird, weird world I must say.

A single event can cause all right things to appear wrong, and all wrong things appear right. I am just surprised at the amount of assumption one makes with just a slight piece of information or news that is neither true nor proved. That's probably because, most of us only choose to hear what we want and make up the rest of the story as how we wish it is - even if in reality that is not true. Why? Because we feel we are the right ones.

I once had a discussion with a friend of mine many years ago on what is right and what is wrong. Interestingly, that discussion opened up my mind to a new way of thinking - what is right for you maybe wrong for someone else and vice-versa. It's a simple logic, and yet many refuse to give to the fact they can be at times may have a point that is, well, right in their own beliefs.

Recently, there has been some instances someone thinks they know my late husband better than I do. I can only laugh at this. Who else is in a better position to know about Sathyan than me, the one he loved dearly till the last of his breath? Just hope some things would make sense to people outside of my marriage that no one is in better position to know or understand the way my Sathyan thinks and does certain things. If there is one person who knows what are his last wishes - that person is me, and only me.

When I took his hand in marriage, I promised to stand by him through good and bad times. In which, as his wife, I did. I also feel if there is anyone who wishes to question my sincerity and loyalty towards my late husband, the only person fully qualified to do so is Sathyan himself, and no one else. I had a blissful marriage with Sathyan and I am ever so grateful for having had the opportunity to live the kind of life some can only dream of. Not everyone gets a perfect husband, you see.

The best thing that you could do or give someone you love is your time. When Sathyan was around, I did exactly that. I dedicated every minute of the day to be with him, and take care of him. I have the full satisfaction that I did everything there is to give him a good life while he was alive and married to me. That is probably why, I was better prepared to accept his death because I knew it was imminent. The fact that I was able to cope with his loss in bravely manner is partly due to the intense level of emotional turbulence that I had to endure from the day one he was diagnosed. And secondly, I had great friends who helped me see the light and live a life, instead of knocking my head down expecting me to grieve for as long as there is eternity.

I have been through a situation that required me to make decisions in life and death situations, in which I saved my husband from the brink of death four times. Even in his last moments, I was fighting my way through. People labelled me as selfish because I wanted my husband to live despite knowing the fact that he was suffering. What these people don't know is that, he wanted to live. I still remember the day we came back home from the hospital after finding out the remission ended. Sathyan lay down on my lap and cried hugging me. He begged me to save him, and he wanted to live a long life with me. His hazelnut eyes were full of hope. And for that reason alone, I never gave up. For this, I was labelled selfish. 

When I started moving on with my life and find ways to keep myself occupied, a lot of people wondered how I could get back on my feet and start being happy despite the loss. For this I only have one answer:

Only those who feel guilty of not being able to fulfill a dying man's last wishes or be with him during his last moments would grieve for a longer period of time. I never had such guilty feelings because I loved my husband sincerely with all my heart, took care of him with all my might and gave him the best of everything with all I could. 

Anyone who truly knew Sathyan personally would know that the one and only thing he ever wants, is for me to be safe and happy. 

"Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than to remember me and cry."

It's love that heals the wound...

... not time.

This past few months, couple of things taught me very hard lessons. At a time when love was lost, I felt, very intensely, a sense of not belonging to anything. As I tried to "assume" it's just in my mind, I couldn't. The feeling was and is real.

Sadness often gets to the core of myself making me realize how I have failed to acknowledge this feeling earlier. That would have saved a lot of trouble for me. But I think, at times I did try to get the message out to someone close to me. But it all dawned back on me with a huge question mark - what else you want more? My issues are always trival. But I feel, often the small things that matters the most. My concerns are often labelled as "complaints".

I finally realized I was not wrong to feel neglected. These feelings were real, and as a sane person I should work towards acknowledging it and make it clear to myself in order to be content and happy. I just have to overcome the feelings. This brings me back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. What I experienced is just one of the basic things that a human should have to remain as humane as possible.

I once blogged about how not being on anyone's priority list made me realize the magnitude of my loss. It was definitely not easy to accept the hard facts, but it was doable. I had to remain as strong as I used to be and be resilient. I did just that, and got my life back on track. It was lots of work - but achievable.

I made a come back on many things that took a back seat in my life - mainly my career. I have been working hard, very hard to get back what I have lost despite knowing the fact there are obstacles all around me trying to stop the momentum going. Why? Because grief, my dear readers, is often mistaken.

Most people think it will take time. But what they did not know was it is a phase that is unique to everyone. There is no length in grief - it all depends how strong your heart and mind is. And how certain situation makes you better (or worse). There is no schedule for grief and it cannot be predicted when it will end for someone. It can be sooner, or later, or even never. The wave hits you in cycles. And then it will be all up to you - hold on or let go?

As such, those around me expect me to take things slowly, which baffles me. Why should I? What one does not understand is, one death is enough to teach me about life and how it could end fast. Harping on something that cannot be fixed or return is not going to do much good to anything or anyone. A practical way to look at things is by thinking beyond the commonly accepted society's perspective. If there is one thing that Sathyan has taught me, that would be : Life is for living. Don't waste it by being sad or worried.

Don't be sad for yourself and don't be worried about what others may think. This has been the mantra that kept me going. After all, those who mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind.

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."

- Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Mission Statement

During one of my training sessions few months back, I wrote a mission statement for my life. A Life's mission statement is something that you hold on close to your heart and acts as a guiding point for you to be or to have what you want in your life. As I step into a new year full of anticipation (yet again), I've decided to share my life's mission, which will be my overall purpose of living. It's a living thing so I may occasionally update this post from time to time.

I want to turn my life into a book-worthy  experience. Hope is a good thing, but for me hope is hopeless. I will not sit and hope things to happen. I will act on it and I will be persistent in whatever I do. Life is for living, and I will not waste it by being sad or worrying. 

I want to take time to see the little things in life like how beautiful the world is after the rain, or how magical a rainbow is, or how loving my family is. I want to go beyond the borders that bound and explore the world - I want to see what else God has created in this wonderful place. 

No one gets a second shot at life, but if it does happen - grab it. My life is in my hands. I just want to live and I'm giving it a second shot! :)

Let's review 2011

Exactly a year ago, I wrote five things that I wanted to achieve by the end of 2011. So I'll start with these five things first:

1) One photo, one day - Also known as 365 project.
Status: Failed.

2) One book, one month.
Status: Neutral. I did buy lots of books, but never really followed monthly reading habit.

3) One stuff, one year.
Status: Failed.

4) One skill, one year.

Status: Failed.

5) One country, one year

Status: Failed.

So I guess, nothing much huh? Alright, I'll figure out something soon :)

What was 2011 for me?

It was a challenging year. I literally lived through a nightmare when Sathyan was admitted in the GICU due to severe blood infection after a round of final chemo dose prior to his bone marrow transplant - his second admission! I fought my way through to save him again - generally no one gets a second admission in GICU, but Sathyan did, because I fought a good fight for him. I knew, if someone has to do it, it has to be me - his wife. The doctors were so sure he will not make it, and gave me the probability of him surviving to 0%. Yes, zero chance. I rebutted, "Trust me, and he'll make it. Just give him two days."

He did. Such strong determination he had.

And he lived a good happy life for full 5 months. I got back to my work when he was out of the hospital and I started picking up traces of my career that I left behind for more than a year. It was challenging - juggling work and love. But, I was glad I had all the support I needed from my parents, sisters and my best friends. The biggest blow came to me when Sathyan breathed his last in my arms. The vision is so vivid - my mind and heart went numb. And it stayed that way for another two weeks. But then, Sathyan left me in good hands :)

My friends helped to pull me out from a severe depression state - I was shown the direction. I started picking up pieces of my broken life and started building a new one from where I left. It was probably the biggest and most challenging experience ever. I once read somewhere, that you'll never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have. Very true. I learned that I have a strange power within that made me recover so soon. Thanks to Puspa, my best friend, I discovered that power. :)

I learned that life is really precious. I used to thank God everyday when I wake up that I still have my Sathyan next to me. When he was taken away, I was angry at first, but then I learned that I was probably the luckiest girl alive today :) I married a perfect man! A perfect husband! Impossible? Well, then you've never met my Sathyan. I thanked God everyday for giving me a perfect man and a perfect marriage - it was good while it lasted. 

Life goes on. By the time I managed to pull myself together and put my life back on the right track, it was already approaching the dawn of 2012! I know Sathyan has guided me all the way through. I live life to the fullest now - I do things that my heart says right and keep my sanity in check all the time. Well, at least I try to.

Some good things are appearing to me finally, but I know I would have to wade another huge wave before I can get what I wanted. 2012 looks promising though, and I hope by this time next year I would be sitting down to write how wonderful the year have been in 2012. =)

That too if the world doesn't end by then. Haha..

Happy - John Lennon

Another Lesson Learned

It was meant to be a happy meal... it was just a simple, Happy Meal...

Iced Milo that came with it was too little for me so I ordered one more. The cashier asked medium? I said, No, LARGE!

I came back home on Sunday night with bloated stomach. There was this urge to vomit everything, but I resisted because I was too tired and sleepy you see. And what happened the next day? Diarrhea 7 times, and I vomited probably 5 or 6 times through out the day. I did manage to drag myself to work but I couldn't even stand properly. Let alone using my brain. Stomach ache seemed more significant than any server that was down.

Nirmala took me to the nearest clinic and the doctor said it was food poisoning... my long lost enemy from 2005. I was given medical leave for 2 days and was asked to rest at home.

I feel slightly better today and I hope I can get back to work tomorrow morning. I better be because I'm on-call tomorrow. 

So lesson learned:

1) Never ever buy milk-based drinks from any vending machine. Because you'll never be able to find out when it expires.

2) Avoid frozen patties at all times. Which means, no more fast food burgers or nuggets for me. Ever. DOT.