Just a piece of my mind.

It's a weird, weird world I must say.

A single event can cause all right things to appear wrong, and all wrong things appear right. I am just surprised at the amount of assumption one makes with just a slight piece of information or news that is neither true nor proved. That's probably because, most of us only choose to hear what we want and make up the rest of the story as how we wish it is - even if in reality that is not true. Why? Because we feel we are the right ones.

I once had a discussion with a friend of mine many years ago on what is right and what is wrong. Interestingly, that discussion opened up my mind to a new way of thinking - what is right for you maybe wrong for someone else and vice-versa. It's a simple logic, and yet many refuse to give to the fact they can be at times may have a point that is, well, right in their own beliefs.

Recently, there has been some instances someone thinks they know my late husband better than I do. I can only laugh at this. Who else is in a better position to know about Sathyan than me, the one he loved dearly till the last of his breath? Just hope some things would make sense to people outside of my marriage that no one is in better position to know or understand the way my Sathyan thinks and does certain things. If there is one person who knows what are his last wishes - that person is me, and only me.

When I took his hand in marriage, I promised to stand by him through good and bad times. In which, as his wife, I did. I also feel if there is anyone who wishes to question my sincerity and loyalty towards my late husband, the only person fully qualified to do so is Sathyan himself, and no one else. I had a blissful marriage with Sathyan and I am ever so grateful for having had the opportunity to live the kind of life some can only dream of. Not everyone gets a perfect husband, you see.

The best thing that you could do or give someone you love is your time. When Sathyan was around, I did exactly that. I dedicated every minute of the day to be with him, and take care of him. I have the full satisfaction that I did everything there is to give him a good life while he was alive and married to me. That is probably why, I was better prepared to accept his death because I knew it was imminent. The fact that I was able to cope with his loss in bravely manner is partly due to the intense level of emotional turbulence that I had to endure from the day one he was diagnosed. And secondly, I had great friends who helped me see the light and live a life, instead of knocking my head down expecting me to grieve for as long as there is eternity.

I have been through a situation that required me to make decisions in life and death situations, in which I saved my husband from the brink of death four times. Even in his last moments, I was fighting my way through. People labelled me as selfish because I wanted my husband to live despite knowing the fact that he was suffering. What these people don't know is that, he wanted to live. I still remember the day we came back home from the hospital after finding out the remission ended. Sathyan lay down on my lap and cried hugging me. He begged me to save him, and he wanted to live a long life with me. His hazelnut eyes were full of hope. And for that reason alone, I never gave up. For this, I was labelled selfish. 

When I started moving on with my life and find ways to keep myself occupied, a lot of people wondered how I could get back on my feet and start being happy despite the loss. For this I only have one answer:

Only those who feel guilty of not being able to fulfill a dying man's last wishes or be with him during his last moments would grieve for a longer period of time. I never had such guilty feelings because I loved my husband sincerely with all my heart, took care of him with all my might and gave him the best of everything with all I could. 

Anyone who truly knew Sathyan personally would know that the one and only thing he ever wants, is for me to be safe and happy. 

"Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than to remember me and cry."