The "Me" time

It is so difficult to find some "me" time these days. 

It's always work, homework, work, homework. Weekends are again homework, classes for the kid.

Repeat over and over again.

My second pregnancy has been nothing like the first. First was a breeze. Second is just full of up and down. First, everyone wants to know how I've been doing. Second, no one bothers. People are only interested in the firsts, I guess :)

So enough with the rambling. I have finally managed to put my daughter's first birthday album together. She actually had 3 celebrations - one on her actual birthday where we visited the KL Bird Park followed by a small cake cutting party at home, second was in Penang with my family where we took our family for a Thai seafood dinner and had a cake cutting celebration there. The third one was the actual celebration party where we invited a host of guests, hired a clown and set up a grand canopy+table set. We did spend quite a bit for that. But it was worth it, because when I showed the pictures to my daughter while I was doing the photobook, she was actually excited!

Ok, that's an off topic thing. I wanted some "me" time, remember? So what did I do? Yoga. 

Pre-natal yoga to be exact. I did attend one when I was pregnant with the first. It was a weekly class with a class duration of 1 hour at the Yoga Academy in Brickfields. It cost me RM150 for 4 classes then. I called them up again and it still costs the same. But the problem with it? The schedule. I can't make it for the Saturday afternoon class which is their only class offered for pre-natal yoga. So I searched for an alternative.

Lucky for me, I found two studios near home offering the class. I reached out to both through Facebook page (it was easier than calling) and one of the studios gave me the answers I needed while the other wanted my contact number so that they can get a consultant to call me. I decided to go with the studio that responded to my query.

Four classes, each 2 hours long and the classes are valid for 2 months all for RM140. That was good enough for me. Plus, it's near, very near, to home. The class is on every Sunday afternoon. Fits fine with me. I prepared some dish for lunch, showered and got to class today. But since it was my first time at the studio, I actually didn't know how to get there. Anand followed me of course, and we were 30 minutes late. But it was ok for first class I guess. I'll try to be there earlier next time.

Now, the class was just great. As I've been to other pre-natal yoga before, I feel the new class is just challenging and yet more fulfilling. I felt energized right after the class. Relaxed as well. I felt it was a well-spent 1.5 hours. The class I used to attend in 2013 was more into relaxation and simple techniques. Simple stretching here and there, and that's it. But today, I was actually sweating, it was an actual yoga that is for pregnancy - a good amount of stretching, good amount of rests in between. Not fast paced but easy enough to follow.

I'm glad I found this place and this class. I finally found some time to relax, and connect with my second baby :) 

Thank GOD!

Now, need to find a time for pre-natal spa. 

Missing

Everyday there is a sense of not having something. Words taken out of context and you spend the remaining days trying to explain what you don't even have to bother in the first place.

Where has the openness gone? It was there all these years. Where is that now? Why do I have to watch what I say? Why do I need to weigh the right and wrong when expressing my views? Whatever I have done through the thick and thin moments are not enough to explain how honest my heart is in doing something?

So I'm being questioned now. Questioned out of curiosity? Really? Have I appeared that calculating? I don't know. Maybe I have.

It just suppresses me from my already small world to know that I don't have a single person to share my opinions with and they would in turn understand without having to ask me to justify or explain.

On top of being taken for granted now this. There is only so much I could bear inside me and it hurts me so much that I couldn't share it with anyone. I wake up, swallow the pill and move on.

There's no hand to hold or voice to whisper "I'm here for you". I just have to put numb expression and get things going.

Why Birthdays are just hype

Even when I was small, birthdays are often the only day people around me try to be nice to me. Which eventually made me repent the day like a lifetime vegetarian seeing meat for the first time.

It felt unreal. Why is that only on your birthday people make the effort to greet you,  wish you, and be attentive to your needs - if at all people remembers it? Why that one day of the year?

That's probably why I never liked celebrating my birthday. At some point I did like - to be honest. But it became pointless after a certain event in my life. Nevertheless, the day for me has always been nothing special. Just that people who remembers the day will attempt to make it special so that you'll feel it is special day. Most of the time they don't even remember which date it was. 28th? 30th? Wait I'm sure it's 28th! Oh yes, I think so too... If that makes you happy.

So what special thing they do?

Oh well,  people will try to be nice. You might get a gift or two which they happened to buy just an hour before giving it to you, just out of desperation to make your day special. If you're lucky they'll wrap it so that you have the joy of unwrapping something that you don't need. Then what? Let's do something special. Like what? Movie. Yes, people still do think watching movie is special. Grab a coffee while you're at it. Oh why not coke? Yeah, why not, it's cheaper anyway.

My question is why wait for birthday to do something as "special" as watching a movie or drinking coffee? What's wrong doing it on an ordinary non-birthday day? You know why?

Because that would leave birthdays as an ordinary day. :)

That is why I have love-hate relationship with my birthday. The unreal feeling that someone remembers the day you were born thru Facebook birthday reminders and attempts not to hurt you or your feelings on your "special" day. Or at least momentarily forgets your disagreements for 24 hours. The saga shall resume a day after your special day. No hurries. Enjoy your special day.

Nothing but the best

The fact I didn't have the time to post any new blog updates is enough to show I have plenty of drama and action going on in my life. Where to begin..

My project at work that I have been working on for more than a year now is almost near completion. Yes, that means I am busy with the project rollout. I am particularly proud of this project because it has given me the exposure and experience that I never imagine getting. I feel proud to be part of the core team member to produce an in-house built CRM application for an international bank. 

The new software system will be rollout to all branches in Malaysia this coming week. And I have been as busy as bee getting the managers from every branch trained. I'm their new best friend :)

Moving on, being mother myself made me realise a lot of things. I know people who often complain their parents did not do enough for them when they were younger so they wanted to give their own kids what they never had. True, we often want to give our kids what our parents didn't give us. But what we didn't realise was, our parents actually gave us things that their parents didn't give them. Makes sense?

And along the struggle to give the children what we never had, we work hard to ensure what they are getting is the best. As parents, that's what we do. Our children to have the best of clothes, toys, feeding bottles, and the list goes on. I am definitely one of them. But, the best comes with a price. And instead of giving the best to kids, we most often give the best that we know and we could afford. Going by the same principle, I'm sure our parents have done the same.

Why I am suddenly talking about this? I finally realised my parents has done the best for me at their best capacity. I used to wonder why I didn't get the same funky toy as the girl at the kindergarten did. Or why am I walking to school. Why I have to exhaust my school bag to the point of tearing apart before getting new one. Why I had to use a huge cardboard box as my study table for many years before finally getting a proper one at 13. Why I had to settle for things that is not brand new. 

Why? Because my parents acted on their best capacity based on their best knowledge of my needs. I have to trust they have given me the best. In fact they did and I'm happy they didn't choose to abandon me somewhere but instead decided to raise me with all they had. I'm glad I grew up healthy, with proper food and clothings and most importantly, I was given education - something that some parents at that time deemed unnecessary. 

I do a lot of research before getting something for my daughter. Like every other parent out there, I want her to have the best too. But the best is limited to what I can afford. Her clothes, her toys even her play mat is carefully chosen. As a baby, her very survival is dependent on me. This made me appreciate my parents even more. How they took on the responsibility to care for not one but three kids. It's just amazing. Of course I do feel at times the care and love given is lopsided which I aim not to repeat with my own children but the fact they fulfilled my basic necessities and aided my growth all these years is commendable. 

But there will always be people out there who will complain that their parents did not do enough for them and they had to work their way up. I find it amusing. Unless the person is orphaned or grew up at a welfare home (or even alone), there's no such thing your parents did not do anything. No one in this world had a perfect childhood and one can never have enough of everything. Likewise, no one can give everything for their kids despite the intention to do so. Our parents was in the same boat as well. And they didn't have Google at that time, yet they did their best to find out what's best for us.

Got milk?

I remember sitting down on my hospital bed, at the verge of breaking apart as I struggled to express colostrum for my baby. I was really looking forward to the breast crawl experience.  But as the nurse whisked my baby away to the NICU, I knew I had to wait.

It was only 2 days later I was allowed to carry my child. It was just out-of-this-world feeling. I still had to express my colostrum which was no way anywhere near the required amount. I could not breastfeed yet and my baby needed milk to survive.

Seeing me struggle so much, Anand tried to help. He spoke to the nurses, doctors and lactation consultant. He also searched for articles and videos on how-to correctly express the milk. In fact, if it wasn't because of him I would have given up. I persisted and finally I was allowed to breastfeed my baby!

Initially I was nervous. This was partly because during my visits to NICU I often see mothers trying to get their newborn to latch and oh my, struggle they did! The babies scream and often refuses the nipple despite numerous attempts by the poor mother! So I wondered, how would Baby ma react?

The nurse placed a breastfeeding pillow on my lap, carried my baby and placed her on the pillow. Almost immediately, my baby latched and started suckling! Again, it was and extraordinary experience and I definitely felt relieved. And at that very moment my journey in breastfeeding begins.

It has been close to 3 months now and my still breastfeeding my baby. I aim to feed her exclusively with breast milk at least for 6 months - longer if possible. I'm grateful for all the awesome gadget Anand got for me to support my breastfeeding journey. The best of it all was the breastfeeding pillow. I cannot imagine going through this challenging moment without it!

Of course there are those who were skeptical and who thinks breast milk reservoir will dry up in first month. Those who also thinks babies who cry often after a feeding is not getting enough milk and immediately departs their wisdom to you to feed the baby formula milk.

It wasn't easy I tell you to fend of the remarks from "non-believers". But perseverance was the word and I had to turn deaf and believe Kelly's Mom is right.

Learning as I go, I'm very certain breastfeeding has helped to bond my baby to me. And it's such a beautiful bond. 

A new experience

My husband always tells me that I look beautiful without make-up. He feels I don't need to put on make-up. For him, I looked perfect. But then, I know I don't :P

I don't know whether anyone would classify wearing lipstick counts as putting on make-up. If it does, then that's as far I know about looking beautiful. Honestly. I have tried few times to practice wearing more than just lipstick. YouTube has been my sole reference, but somehow I always end up looking uglier.

So, for a very long time I wanted to learn the right way to put on some simple make-up. In fact, I've been wanting to take a class for it - since 2007. Finally, I made use of a Groupon offer for a 2-day personal make-up workshop for RM59. 

The workshop was conducted at Celmonze Aesthetic Academy which is located in Damansara Utama (near Uptown). My classes took place over the weekend, which was yesterday and today. What did the classes cover?

First day of the class, the workshop covered personality analysis and finding your color tone. This followed by step-by-step hands-on techniques on applying day make-up. All make-up products were provided and we were given the option to purchase make-up brush set for RM28 or use one of the sets they already have. I decided to purchase one since I do not own any :)

My day make-up was not impressive of course - given this is the first time I tried my hands applying my own make-up. The eyeshadow was horrible, my foundation was uneven and my eyeliner was a disaster! But, I learned a lot. And I know, putting on make-up is an art on its own, so I had to practice!

On 2nd day, we did a revision of the day make-up that we learned from day 1. I looked better :). This was followed by night make-up tutorial where the instructor taught us on smokey eye effect. Finally, we finished off the session with a hair-do tutorial - which I failed miserably. I just can't seem to get my hair to curl!

I took away a good experience from the workshop. I also made new friends which I felt was a good point of the overall experience. I learned how to use the different brushes, and picked up some basic knowledge on types of cosmetics available. Now, all I need is to practice, practice, practice!

For the price I paid to attend the course, I think it was well worth it. I wouldn't have paid anything more, because the course is really very basic. I think I should invest spending some time more workshop such as this - it opens up opportunity for me to meet new people and make new friends. 

So...

Isn't it weird that people who talk so much about you (behind your back that is) think they know everything about you and they have the right to do so?

I just find these people are amazing. They make conclusions and define the kind of person you are when they have barely known what you have gone through in your life. Well, limited minds have limited thoughts. If they can sit and talk about others all the time, and think what other rumours so called news to spread, gosh, I can imagine how boring their life is. I hardly even have time to think what to eat or cook!And these people have all the time in the world to talk about others?! Wow...

As the saying goes, what goes around comes around. Spreading untrue stories about another person to others will one day come back biting. How? Well, karma has its own way dealing with these people.

I always feel, if you have nothing good to say, just shut up. Stop spending your "bored times" thinking what to talk about others. Use it to make yourself better. Use it to improve your life. Always remember, no one is faultless and perfect in this world.

The world had only ONE Mother Theresa. And she's dead.

On being selfish

Source: iobad.com via Andrea on Pinterest

Family isn't always blood

Entering the zone

This year marks an important milestone in my life - reaching the big three-zero zone. I should have, theoretically speaking, figured everything out about life by now. Well, not really.

Learning is a process that never stops. The day you think you've known enough is the day you stop living life.

Anyway, being me and my tendency to reflect on certain things, I came up with a list of things that I am glad I have discovered by the time I'm thirty.

What you eat matters. 

In today's world, food industry has been twisted in so many ways that some people actually think eating French Fries at McDonald's is considered "fresh" food. Just because some food are cooked just before it was served to you, doesn't mean it is fresh. I learned a lot about food, its nutrients and the importance of removing processed food from your diet while I was caring for my husband, Sathyan. The information I gathered and learned blew me away. The experience changed my perception towards food and health, and I learned, for you to live a good healthy life you must have a balanced meal. There is no exception.

Points to ponder: Being vegetarian doesn't guarantee you against a disease-free life. Most of the cancer patients I have met during my stay at the hospital are vegetarians who practice some form of meditations. The only difference eating healthy and regular exercise makes in your life is how your body will be able to better resist itself from disease invasion, hence increasing your chances of survival.

Not every relationship matters.

And you cannot make everyone happy. This is the most important lesson I learned. Somehow, you will come to realize the true intentions of people around you, and when that happens you will know whether the relationship is worth saving or burning. In my life, I thought if I lose certain folks from my life I won't be able to live. That is not true. Relationships are like clouds - when one goes away another one comes along. You just need to learn to accept, adapt and appreciate. No point taking a step backward. Always look for a better day by moving forward. And some relationship, no matter how hard you try, will not return :)

Knowledge is power. 

What you learn in school or university is not going to help you. Any fool can know, the point is to understand (Albert Einstein). You are always on the winning side if only you invest some time to learn something new and understand the impact that knowledge would give to you. Make use of it - in every positive way. This is the most important lesson that I learned at hospital. Although trusting your doctor is essential - I often do research on my own to counter some diagnosis and prescriptions given by doctors to my husband. That amazed the doctors so much, that my husband's case was handled with extra caution because they know, the wife (me) will not let them go off-hook easily if I found out something went wrong.

Do what will help you to move forward,

and ignore those that drags you backward. I learned to keep positive-minded people around me and that helped me to come out from a lot of poisonous moments throughout my life.

Keep a hobby and take a break.

When stress builds up and I am at a breaking point, it is good to know that there are some things that can take my mind away. I love to cook, take photographs and travel - these things make me happy and something that I enjoy doing. So if you think keeping hobby is a waste, think again. They actually keep you alive as humane as possible.

Only four things? It took me 30 years to learn four things? Well, not really. There are some lessons that are basically tucked within my mind that should not be released for public reading pleasure. But one thing for sure, I think I have a lot more figured out in my life than some girls of my age. :)

I thought they were gone

When my husband passed away a year back, I finally learned why some people say "you can only cry so much".

Because, I cried and cried and cried. I slept next to the coffin hoping he would knock the glass panel and scream to get out. Every time I popped my head to look at him, I'd cry again. It would hit me like waves. My whole body shivered. I felt weak. 

At a point when I thought I have already lost everything, one more thing went missing. My tears. I couldn't cry anymore. Tears stopped producing. I was still grieving, sad and immensely depressed. Yet, the tears refused to trickle. I stopped crying. Because, I couldn't anymore.

And I thought that was the end of my tears.

But today I learned that wasn't the case. I experienced something that made my tears appear again. So I guess I have to be grateful that I can still cry. :)

Something that keeps my chin up

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

When someone belittles me, Mr Gandhi's words keep me going. :)

Fashion is an expensive word

I have never been bothered about fashion. I just feel I'm bad at it. I don't know what's in and what's out. I don't know what cool and what's hot. Well, at least, I used to be like that.

Until I learned the importance of presentation. That too through food photography - almost always you choose a food that has a picture on a menu and we often go for the one that looks most pleasing to the eye. Presentation is important. Translated to our human clothing terms, it's called fashion.

Indeed, fashion comes with a price. As I was walking along the mall last Friday (decided not get caught with the balik kampung jam), I stepped into GAP store obviously being attracted by the signboard "New Collection."

Skimmed through the stuff they had and I got the shock of my life when I saw the pair of jeans that I bought just a month back suddenly costs 50 bucks more than what I paid last time! It was just the same thing! And almost all their pants (short or long) cost just the same and obviously it were so darned expensive.

I continued walking and stepped into MANGO store. They certainly have brought in some new collections. But I don't understand how a shirt that is as thin as a paper could cost RM99? Fashion - yes that's right. It's the fashion. Wait till the end of season and the same shirt would only set you back RM39. Even that is still expensive for a product that probably won't last through 10 cycles of machine wash.

So most of the time when we buy clothes, a big chunk of money is actually being paid for the fashion and the brand - not the quality of material. However, there are some brands that do charge their products in accordance to the quality of the material being used. You will see this apparent in products such as luxury handbags, shoes and writing instruments. When you see these products, you will also see how beautifully the design, the quality and the brand blend together to create an exclusive feel which makes you, the buyer, feel elated to actually own one. 

That is why, I do not mind spending my hard earned money on products that really stand up for their price. I do hear people commenting my purchases as "she is rich, of course she can spend." Although the fact I am rich is not true, but I do see my purchases on good quality products as a form of investment. If I spent RM500 for a genuine leather bag and it serves me for at least two years, I have received my ROI (return on investment). Generally, these bags lasts longer than that - if it is well taken care of. I don't have to be rich to invest in a bag - I just need to manage my finances well in order to save enough money to buy something that actually doesn't require a repair or replace! In the long run, I am putting my money in something that is worth it.

Which means, that nice shirt I saw in Mango - it's not the time to buy yet. :P

Something to keep you looking up

Inspiration

When you are walking in a dark place, where there is nothing you can see or have a clue where you're heading to - a torch light would help, wouldn't it?

I call that inspiration. 

A source of light that provides you a sense of direction. It may or may not point you towards the right path, because where you are heading lies within the decisions you make. But the torch light lets you see clearly where you're going. And it will stay with you - it wouldn't decide to suddenly stop working just because you took a path the torch light did not like. Would it? :)

A year back, everything was bleak for me. I was so sure I wouldn't make it through the next one year alive. I am not weak - I just didn't see the purpose why I should even be alive. When life goes out of plan, most of us surrender. When you're older, it gets much tougher to change things around you and start over - most things are almost settled down and in my case, I've settled down at a much younger age. It was difficult and no one really understood the struggle I was against at. 

"The hardest part of the ending, is starting again." - Waiting for the End, Linkin Park.

I was walking in the dark with no sense of belonging and purpose. From the outside I knew I looked fine. For everyone. But from the inside, I knew that wasn't the case. The worst part? I didn't even know my problem was the loss of purpose in my life until my friend came along and pointed to me - find yourself back. She was right, I had to find myself back but how?

I needed inspiration and encouragement, and a jolt of motivation. With my best friend's help, I saw a light pointing me to a direction, picked up pace and built my confidence. But to move on further in life, you need more than that. I needed more than that. 

There has to be a solid pillar, that I can hold on to and feel safe. And at times, it turns into a torch light that stays with me showing me the way when I needed it.

I am lucky to have found my torch light.

Essence of Bhagavad Gita

"Whatever happened, happened for the good; whatever is happening, is happening for the good; whatever will happen, will also happen for the good only. You need not have any regrets for the past. You need not worry for the future."

"What did you lose that you cry about? What did you bring with you, which you think you have lost? What did you produce, which you think got destroyed? You did not bring anything - whatever you have, you received from here. Whatever you have given, you have given only here. Whatever you took, you took from God. Whatever you gave, you gave to him. You came empty handed, you will leave empty handed. What is yours today, belonged to someone else yesterday, and will belong to someone else the day after tomorrow. You are mistakenly enjoying the thought that this is yours. It is this false happiness that is the cause of your sorrows."

"Change is the law of the universe. What you think of as death, is indeed life. In one instance you can be a millionaire, and in the other instance you can be steeped in poverty. Yours and mine, big and small - erase these ideas from your mind. Then everything is yours and you belong to everyone."

"This body is not yours, neither are you of the body. The body is made of fire, water, air, earth and ether, and will disappear into these elements. But the soul is permanent - so who are you?"

"Dedicate your being to God. He is the one to be ultimately relied upon. Those who know of his support are forever free from fear, worry and sorrow."

Every sunset, has a sunrise

There is one thing I learned -

The world doesn't stop moving just because your world stopped one fine day.

People carry on doing what they do. Yes, they get sad and all depressed looking at you going through a hard time, but really, no one bothers anything else after that. They probably get worried once a while thinking what you'd be up to and doing, but then again really, no one is really bothered.

Losing a love is almost like seeing the world come to a standstill. Time just stops - for you only by the way. The rest around you stop momentarily and look at you and will be kind enough to make the time move a little. But after some time, they too have a life to take care of. That is when you must know, it's time for you to move on. The world doesn't stop, just because yours did.

Pull yourself out of it, or risk being sucked into a timeless depression that brings you no where. I am glad though, that it didn't take long for me to get myself back on track. Looking back at the past year, I am happy  I took several decisions that made my life much more meaningful. I am glad, I did not waste my time by being sad and worried of what people might say.

Of course, there will be those who would say things one way or another. It goes back to yourself which ones you would want to listen and let steep in your heart and mind. Someone who reads my blog regularly sent me an email, suggesting that I should I watch the movie P.S I love you. For a person who had nothing to lose, buying a DVD to watch a recommended movie is not much of an hassle. And so I did.

That movie made me realize it is OK to be happy. It is OK to go for a vacation. It is OK to laugh and do things you love. It is OK to fall in love again. 

The movie also made me realize, that you can get really sad when you find out people around you are actually doing something with their lives while you drag yourself into endless list of whys. Because, like I said, no one is really bothered about anything. No one wants to stick around a cry baby for eternity. Complaining and analyzing why some bad things happen to you is not going to bring any good.

So here I am, being glad for how things turned out. :)

Your time is... limited

Just Lost.

Few things crossed my mind today. 

At a certain point of time I had (almost) everything, and I was very grateful. I would tell Sathyan all the time, despite being able to afford many things, we chose to live within an average means - just being grateful we have proper clothes, nice food, a great roof above our heads and most importantly, we had each other.

And then it came a time that we had to let go many of the "luxuries" we had. At that very moment, we realized our love for each other conquered all. It wasn't really the cars we had, or the comfy home we stayed or the nice places we chose to have our dinners. It was the feeling that we still had each other to hold on to despite the hardships that we faced. It gave me so much of strength. 

One of Sathyan's wishes was to get a good car for me. Within the short period of 5 months that he was alive after the hospital discharge, he took every effort there was to find a decent, safe car for me. He simply feels my Buster will not be able to keep me safe for long. He finally did get one, but he passed away before the car even got to me - which made me decide there is no point of getting the car when he is no more. But the fact he went all out to ensure I get the best despite still struggling with cancer, was indeed admirable.

The first time I wanted to buy a car, I had zero support from those around me. The second time round, I had one but that too ended tragically. The struggle now continues with me. The good thing is, I am not biased when it comes to cars. The not-so-good thing is,  I know nothing about cars. :)  So there you go, my struggle has begun...

Going through the heaps of choices we have in Malaysia, I am just devastated. Buying a car is a whole lot worse than deciding to get married - it's that hard to decide. I am just glad I did manage to test drive few cars while Sathyan was alive (and rocking :)).

Suddenly it hit me - I have been wanting something that is good enough which would make Sathyan be really proud of me. But that something is so difficult to find. As I kept scrounging for more information, I get more and more confused. As I read more and more reviews or comments online, I realized one thing - how petty Malaysians are. And how I am turning into one.

It's a car - for God's sake. What should matter is comfort and safety - my Buster had neither but I have been happy with it for the past 8 years. So happy that I have decided not to sell it at all. It just reminds me the grateful feeling I once had - happy with what I have and not ask for more. There are people out there who can't even afford to take a bus!

If there is one thing that I learned from my experience is being thrifty. Buying a car is no investment and yet the amount of money spent to have one is just ridiculous. Simply absurd - that I feel buying my third home would give me a much better return for my money than a car. Sigh...

I am just lost. :(

Just a piece of my mind.

It's a weird, weird world I must say.

A single event can cause all right things to appear wrong, and all wrong things appear right. I am just surprised at the amount of assumption one makes with just a slight piece of information or news that is neither true nor proved. That's probably because, most of us only choose to hear what we want and make up the rest of the story as how we wish it is - even if in reality that is not true. Why? Because we feel we are the right ones.

I once had a discussion with a friend of mine many years ago on what is right and what is wrong. Interestingly, that discussion opened up my mind to a new way of thinking - what is right for you maybe wrong for someone else and vice-versa. It's a simple logic, and yet many refuse to give to the fact they can be at times may have a point that is, well, right in their own beliefs.

Recently, there has been some instances someone thinks they know my late husband better than I do. I can only laugh at this. Who else is in a better position to know about Sathyan than me, the one he loved dearly till the last of his breath? Just hope some things would make sense to people outside of my marriage that no one is in better position to know or understand the way my Sathyan thinks and does certain things. If there is one person who knows what are his last wishes - that person is me, and only me.

When I took his hand in marriage, I promised to stand by him through good and bad times. In which, as his wife, I did. I also feel if there is anyone who wishes to question my sincerity and loyalty towards my late husband, the only person fully qualified to do so is Sathyan himself, and no one else. I had a blissful marriage with Sathyan and I am ever so grateful for having had the opportunity to live the kind of life some can only dream of. Not everyone gets a perfect husband, you see.

The best thing that you could do or give someone you love is your time. When Sathyan was around, I did exactly that. I dedicated every minute of the day to be with him, and take care of him. I have the full satisfaction that I did everything there is to give him a good life while he was alive and married to me. That is probably why, I was better prepared to accept his death because I knew it was imminent. The fact that I was able to cope with his loss in bravely manner is partly due to the intense level of emotional turbulence that I had to endure from the day one he was diagnosed. And secondly, I had great friends who helped me see the light and live a life, instead of knocking my head down expecting me to grieve for as long as there is eternity.

I have been through a situation that required me to make decisions in life and death situations, in which I saved my husband from the brink of death four times. Even in his last moments, I was fighting my way through. People labelled me as selfish because I wanted my husband to live despite knowing the fact that he was suffering. What these people don't know is that, he wanted to live. I still remember the day we came back home from the hospital after finding out the remission ended. Sathyan lay down on my lap and cried hugging me. He begged me to save him, and he wanted to live a long life with me. His hazelnut eyes were full of hope. And for that reason alone, I never gave up. For this, I was labelled selfish. 

When I started moving on with my life and find ways to keep myself occupied, a lot of people wondered how I could get back on my feet and start being happy despite the loss. For this I only have one answer:

Only those who feel guilty of not being able to fulfill a dying man's last wishes or be with him during his last moments would grieve for a longer period of time. I never had such guilty feelings because I loved my husband sincerely with all my heart, took care of him with all my might and gave him the best of everything with all I could. 

Anyone who truly knew Sathyan personally would know that the one and only thing he ever wants, is for me to be safe and happy. 

"Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than to remember me and cry."