On Diwali

Days like today remind me a lot about Sathyan. I tried, but I couldn't. I just miss him.

I have never really celebrated Diwali - it has always been about business, nothing much of a family affair. My friends used to visit me on this day - that was eons ago, while I was still in primary school to be exact. And I have stopped asking them to come. Before Sathyan, Diwali was just like any other day for me.

I remember working on Diwali just because I wanted to - I had nothing better to do and I can make use of that extra money. Also, most of the time I spend it alone, except for one year when I spent it with Vino's family. 

When I got married to Sathyan, that was my first taste of what it feels to celebrate Diwali. We put in a lot of effort to get our house ready for the festival. I actually had new clothes that he bought for me. And I actually went to temple on Diwali day for the first time in my life. It felt good - I finally had a family that I can celebrate the day with. Sathyan used to buy a lot of firecrackers so that we can play with our nephews. Ever since then, I always looked forward for Diwali. He gave me something that I always wanted to have, but never did. The sound of his laughter as he sees me running for cover when the firecrackers explode, still in my ears. It was wonderful.

Losing him, really meant losing everything I had. I guess, no one can really understand the magnitude of my loss. After all, everyone still have their family intact. For me, he was the only family I had.

So on this day, I just miss him a lot.

Oh, by the way... the picture above belongs to me :) Taken in December 2005.

Behind these hazel eyes

Every time I see his picture, the hazel-colored eyes stare back at me. And there is this intense, palpable pain shaking the very core of my heart- each time.

The very same eyes that did not want or wish to see anyone else for one last time - except me. I was the only image that those eyes wanted to take with it for its final journey. I still feel the pain of seeing the sadness in those eyes - disappointment for leaving me half way. 

I recalled the times we spent - filled with contention and happiness in our hearts - despite the bleakness in our future which both of us knew very well. Neither of us, wanted to talk about what will happen. But we knew, what eventually would happen. We lived each day as it comes. Thanking God every day for one more opportunity to be together.

The eyes remind me of the promise I have made to him - the things that I would do or rather, promised to do, when he is no longer there for me. Often I wish, that was not the case though. I feel, the pain I had to endure due to my "circumstances" after losing him is worse than the things I had to go through while he was around. Such is the fate for someone bounded by the rules of community. Something that neither he nor I, expected.

The thing I loved most, was his eyes. So full of hope.

So full of love.

Special Prayers

"Today, Danbo made a special prayer. He prayed that one day, the world will be free of cancer. He asked for God to give strength for all the fighters out there. He asked God to be with them when they are in need."

-- Sathyan Ram (23rd July 2011)

A letter

I remember the time when you had to go to US and leave me here, alone, for two weeks. It felt terrible.

Sending you off at the airport, I held on to you so tight. Our friends left us to give us some time alone. And I remember I cried. I just don't know how I could be away from you for so long. And I knew, you felt the same too. I remember you were wearing the shirt I bought you. You loved that shirt, so much.

The moment you walked away, I was already missing you. And I stood there, for a good 5 minutes.

I stayed awake almost 24 hours, just wanting to make sure you arrived safely. You called me along the way, emailed me, and kept me updated during your stops. For the first time, I had to wake up not having you beside me. I had to eat alone, go to work alone. It was really awful.

I'd stay awake every night, just to chat with you. Each time you appeared on the video call, I would cry. I knew you'll be back soon. I remember you were telling it was really cold and the sound of the train passing by shocked you on your first day there. You had your lunch at Hard Rock cafe and sent me a picture. My favorite picture of all time.

As days passed, I realized how much you have impacted my life that it felt lifeless without you. There were times I would be too tired to stay awake. When that happens, you often watch me fall asleep in front you. I was counting the days to be with you again. At that time, I knew you'd be back. The date and the time - it was recorded in my brain.

One day, as I opened my email, you sent me a link for a song clip. Today, when I listened to that song, it reminded me of the torture you and I went through for that brief 2 weeks. Yes, it felt like years at that time, but now I can see it was a brief 14 days. I remember the day you returned, and my whole world became colorful again. I remember hugging you so tight not wanting to let you go. And I remember you cried. You just couldn't wait to get back home, to show me all the things you bought for me. And all the pictures you took.

And now, you're gone again. But this time, you have decided not to keep me updated on your trip. And I don't even know where you are now. You never told when you will be back. There is no way I could see your face again. Cancer may have killed you. 

Loneliness is killing me.

Top 5 Applications on my Android

I have a total of four (yes, four) Android devices out of which three are in constant daily use. 

I have two mobile Androids running Gingerbread and Ice Cream, and one tablet running Ice Cream. One more mobile runs Froyo. So here's a list of top 5 application that is a must in all my devices (and these are FREE!).

Feedly

This is my favorite application of all. A news reader with a simple interface and so easy to use. The best part is, it integrates nicely with my Google Reader account. On my tablet, this applications turns my news feed into a magazine-like browsing experience. Highly recommended if you have plenty of reading materials that you follow online.

Million Moments

I had to admit Android's version of Gallery, although not the worse, but isn't the best either. And that is why I love Million Moments - it's yet another application for photos but with ease of use and has a wonderful layout! I just need to create some labels (for example, "food") and every time I take a picture of food (more often I do), I just have to tag the picture with the labels. What the application does, it turns the labels into wonderful "photobook" like gallery.

Any.DO
Having too many things to track is no longer a hassle with Any.DO for me. I add list of things I have to do in this simple little app and it keeps track everything for me, and reminds me when I do forget. I can strike out things I've completely and a shake clears everything done from the screen! The interface is simple, easy and clean. New version includes sync-ing with your Google Tasks. My favorite feature is the phone reminder (keeps track of missed calls and reminds me when I have to return a call).

Dolphin Browser HD
Chrome is one of my favorite software on my PC, but on my Androids Dolphin takes the reign being the best browser for awesome functionality and ease of use (easy for me that is, but it could still be intimidating for those who even think IE is daunting). It's just a browser, but there are so very little browsers out there that works properly on Android platform, so this one takes home my vote for being the best one (crashes less).

StumbleUpon
Given an option, I would want this application to be my #1 favorite app in Google Play. Unfortunately, this is also the most unstable application out there, but then again, I can't live without it. StumbleUpon is something that was discovered by Sathyan on its early days and he always shares a lot of interesting "stumbles" that he stumbles upon. It's one of the apps that I'd recommend to people who messages me, "I'm bored". So, if you're always boring bored and had to do something with your hands in a good way, have this installed, choose your interests and have fun exploring what's out there in the world wide web! :)

So there you have it, now you know what Leena uses on her mobile devices all the time. It is interesting to note that there are people who are keen to find out what application I have installed on my Androids. Of course these are not the only ones I have. Probably when I have more time at hand, I'll try to come up with Top 5 Android games installed on my Androids. 

On Happiness and Pain

You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.

How it has been this week

I should have listened to my inner voice that kept urging me to stay away from sick people in my office. I should have. 

Should have.

On Thursday, I started getting the symptoms - irritated nose and upper mouth and sore throat. Great, signs of me falling sick. It got worse on Friday, and yet I decided to go to work. On my way to work, one of my tires got punctured while I was on the highway! Somehow I was glad I wasn't speeding.

I was already disgruntled with the fact I was sick, and it was hot. What else could make the situation worse? Punctured tire in the middle of highway? With runny nose as well. I moved to the side of the road and parked my car - true enough one tire decided to fail on me on a Friday, for heaven's sake!

I took out my spare tire - which was at least in good working condition - and the tools to change the tire. I kept telling to myself, lefty loosie righty tighty (something that Sathyan taught me, of course) as I loosened the bolts and moved to jack the car. That was when three men approached me, to lend me a hand. I was wary of course, but none of them looked suspicious though. Besides, there's nothing to take away from me except my car - which I don't think even a scrap metal trader would want to have.

Anyway, this 3 wonderful Malaysians helped me to get my tire changed. How many Malaysian men does it take to change a tire? Three!! I am indeed grateful. I knew someone has always been watching over me. :)

The lunch on Friday was a special one. Puspa and I decided to try the Briyani at Veloo Villas with their kurma curry - we were left speechless. The taste was indescribable. Top it off with our usual payasam- it was the perfect lunch treat. I'm sure Sathyan would have jumped in joy the moment I offered him Briyani :) The folks at Veloo Villas told us that they only remembered they have payasam the moment Puspa and I stepped into the restaurant. Such huge fans of payasam we are, yes..yes..

My sickness got worse on Saturday - I felt like dying, to put it bluntly. I even thought, if I were to die that would be a good thing anyhow - I get to see Sathyan. Then something knocked my head and told me to get back to reality. Sheesh...

I was definitely grumpy because I felt so useless. 

I depended solely on my bion3 to salvage my body from the virus attack that was going on. I am happy to report that today I feel heaps better. So much better that I managed to get my tire fixed - two new Falken tires and Buster feels good!

Back to work tomorrow :)

Just Lost.

Few things crossed my mind today. 

At a certain point of time I had (almost) everything, and I was very grateful. I would tell Sathyan all the time, despite being able to afford many things, we chose to live within an average means - just being grateful we have proper clothes, nice food, a great roof above our heads and most importantly, we had each other.

And then it came a time that we had to let go many of the "luxuries" we had. At that very moment, we realized our love for each other conquered all. It wasn't really the cars we had, or the comfy home we stayed or the nice places we chose to have our dinners. It was the feeling that we still had each other to hold on to despite the hardships that we faced. It gave me so much of strength. 

One of Sathyan's wishes was to get a good car for me. Within the short period of 5 months that he was alive after the hospital discharge, he took every effort there was to find a decent, safe car for me. He simply feels my Buster will not be able to keep me safe for long. He finally did get one, but he passed away before the car even got to me - which made me decide there is no point of getting the car when he is no more. But the fact he went all out to ensure I get the best despite still struggling with cancer, was indeed admirable.

The first time I wanted to buy a car, I had zero support from those around me. The second time round, I had one but that too ended tragically. The struggle now continues with me. The good thing is, I am not biased when it comes to cars. The not-so-good thing is,  I know nothing about cars. :)  So there you go, my struggle has begun...

Going through the heaps of choices we have in Malaysia, I am just devastated. Buying a car is a whole lot worse than deciding to get married - it's that hard to decide. I am just glad I did manage to test drive few cars while Sathyan was alive (and rocking :)).

Suddenly it hit me - I have been wanting something that is good enough which would make Sathyan be really proud of me. But that something is so difficult to find. As I kept scrounging for more information, I get more and more confused. As I read more and more reviews or comments online, I realized one thing - how petty Malaysians are. And how I am turning into one.

It's a car - for God's sake. What should matter is comfort and safety - my Buster had neither but I have been happy with it for the past 8 years. So happy that I have decided not to sell it at all. It just reminds me the grateful feeling I once had - happy with what I have and not ask for more. There are people out there who can't even afford to take a bus!

If there is one thing that I learned from my experience is being thrifty. Buying a car is no investment and yet the amount of money spent to have one is just ridiculous. Simply absurd - that I feel buying my third home would give me a much better return for my money than a car. Sigh...

I am just lost. :(

Just a piece of my mind.

It's a weird, weird world I must say.

A single event can cause all right things to appear wrong, and all wrong things appear right. I am just surprised at the amount of assumption one makes with just a slight piece of information or news that is neither true nor proved. That's probably because, most of us only choose to hear what we want and make up the rest of the story as how we wish it is - even if in reality that is not true. Why? Because we feel we are the right ones.

I once had a discussion with a friend of mine many years ago on what is right and what is wrong. Interestingly, that discussion opened up my mind to a new way of thinking - what is right for you maybe wrong for someone else and vice-versa. It's a simple logic, and yet many refuse to give to the fact they can be at times may have a point that is, well, right in their own beliefs.

Recently, there has been some instances someone thinks they know my late husband better than I do. I can only laugh at this. Who else is in a better position to know about Sathyan than me, the one he loved dearly till the last of his breath? Just hope some things would make sense to people outside of my marriage that no one is in better position to know or understand the way my Sathyan thinks and does certain things. If there is one person who knows what are his last wishes - that person is me, and only me.

When I took his hand in marriage, I promised to stand by him through good and bad times. In which, as his wife, I did. I also feel if there is anyone who wishes to question my sincerity and loyalty towards my late husband, the only person fully qualified to do so is Sathyan himself, and no one else. I had a blissful marriage with Sathyan and I am ever so grateful for having had the opportunity to live the kind of life some can only dream of. Not everyone gets a perfect husband, you see.

The best thing that you could do or give someone you love is your time. When Sathyan was around, I did exactly that. I dedicated every minute of the day to be with him, and take care of him. I have the full satisfaction that I did everything there is to give him a good life while he was alive and married to me. That is probably why, I was better prepared to accept his death because I knew it was imminent. The fact that I was able to cope with his loss in bravely manner is partly due to the intense level of emotional turbulence that I had to endure from the day one he was diagnosed. And secondly, I had great friends who helped me see the light and live a life, instead of knocking my head down expecting me to grieve for as long as there is eternity.

I have been through a situation that required me to make decisions in life and death situations, in which I saved my husband from the brink of death four times. Even in his last moments, I was fighting my way through. People labelled me as selfish because I wanted my husband to live despite knowing the fact that he was suffering. What these people don't know is that, he wanted to live. I still remember the day we came back home from the hospital after finding out the remission ended. Sathyan lay down on my lap and cried hugging me. He begged me to save him, and he wanted to live a long life with me. His hazelnut eyes were full of hope. And for that reason alone, I never gave up. For this, I was labelled selfish. 

When I started moving on with my life and find ways to keep myself occupied, a lot of people wondered how I could get back on my feet and start being happy despite the loss. For this I only have one answer:

Only those who feel guilty of not being able to fulfill a dying man's last wishes or be with him during his last moments would grieve for a longer period of time. I never had such guilty feelings because I loved my husband sincerely with all my heart, took care of him with all my might and gave him the best of everything with all I could. 

Anyone who truly knew Sathyan personally would know that the one and only thing he ever wants, is for me to be safe and happy. 

"Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than to remember me and cry."

It's love that heals the wound...

... not time.

This past few months, couple of things taught me very hard lessons. At a time when love was lost, I felt, very intensely, a sense of not belonging to anything. As I tried to "assume" it's just in my mind, I couldn't. The feeling was and is real.

Sadness often gets to the core of myself making me realize how I have failed to acknowledge this feeling earlier. That would have saved a lot of trouble for me. But I think, at times I did try to get the message out to someone close to me. But it all dawned back on me with a huge question mark - what else you want more? My issues are always trival. But I feel, often the small things that matters the most. My concerns are often labelled as "complaints".

I finally realized I was not wrong to feel neglected. These feelings were real, and as a sane person I should work towards acknowledging it and make it clear to myself in order to be content and happy. I just have to overcome the feelings. This brings me back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. What I experienced is just one of the basic things that a human should have to remain as humane as possible.

I once blogged about how not being on anyone's priority list made me realize the magnitude of my loss. It was definitely not easy to accept the hard facts, but it was doable. I had to remain as strong as I used to be and be resilient. I did just that, and got my life back on track. It was lots of work - but achievable.

I made a come back on many things that took a back seat in my life - mainly my career. I have been working hard, very hard to get back what I have lost despite knowing the fact there are obstacles all around me trying to stop the momentum going. Why? Because grief, my dear readers, is often mistaken.

Most people think it will take time. But what they did not know was it is a phase that is unique to everyone. There is no length in grief - it all depends how strong your heart and mind is. And how certain situation makes you better (or worse). There is no schedule for grief and it cannot be predicted when it will end for someone. It can be sooner, or later, or even never. The wave hits you in cycles. And then it will be all up to you - hold on or let go?

As such, those around me expect me to take things slowly, which baffles me. Why should I? What one does not understand is, one death is enough to teach me about life and how it could end fast. Harping on something that cannot be fixed or return is not going to do much good to anything or anyone. A practical way to look at things is by thinking beyond the commonly accepted society's perspective. If there is one thing that Sathyan has taught me, that would be : Life is for living. Don't waste it by being sad or worried.

Don't be sad for yourself and don't be worried about what others may think. This has been the mantra that kept me going. After all, those who mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind.

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."

- Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Watching from above

It came to a point last night, that I realized, there is no one quite like him. Anyone can come close, but not quite.

Last night, I cried sitting down on my couch looking at a picture that I took. A beautiful picture that showed how close my nephews has been with him. How much they loved him. And I know I cried so much, because everything seems unfair. Wonderfully talented people perishing from the world, while miserably good-for-nothing ones are still being given the chance to live on and create more havoc.

Lately, I've been missing Sathyan a lot. I could not explain why, but I certainly do. He is just simply one of a kind. He is the kind of husband every girl dreams of, and I was that lucky girl who got him out of the blue. He always tells me I am a God-sent angel. Now, I simply feel it is just the other way round. He was just the kind of person who never really waited for me to tell anything - he just knew what I wanted.

I have been trying to understand this vast emptiness that often wraps my heart from time to time. I struggle to find ways to get rid of this feeling, but nothing worked so far.

Hopefully, I'll find a solution soon.

Let's review 2011

Exactly a year ago, I wrote five things that I wanted to achieve by the end of 2011. So I'll start with these five things first:

1) One photo, one day - Also known as 365 project.
Status: Failed.

2) One book, one month.
Status: Neutral. I did buy lots of books, but never really followed monthly reading habit.

3) One stuff, one year.
Status: Failed.

4) One skill, one year.

Status: Failed.

5) One country, one year

Status: Failed.

So I guess, nothing much huh? Alright, I'll figure out something soon :)

What was 2011 for me?

It was a challenging year. I literally lived through a nightmare when Sathyan was admitted in the GICU due to severe blood infection after a round of final chemo dose prior to his bone marrow transplant - his second admission! I fought my way through to save him again - generally no one gets a second admission in GICU, but Sathyan did, because I fought a good fight for him. I knew, if someone has to do it, it has to be me - his wife. The doctors were so sure he will not make it, and gave me the probability of him surviving to 0%. Yes, zero chance. I rebutted, "Trust me, and he'll make it. Just give him two days."

He did. Such strong determination he had.

And he lived a good happy life for full 5 months. I got back to my work when he was out of the hospital and I started picking up traces of my career that I left behind for more than a year. It was challenging - juggling work and love. But, I was glad I had all the support I needed from my parents, sisters and my best friends. The biggest blow came to me when Sathyan breathed his last in my arms. The vision is so vivid - my mind and heart went numb. And it stayed that way for another two weeks. But then, Sathyan left me in good hands :)

My friends helped to pull me out from a severe depression state - I was shown the direction. I started picking up pieces of my broken life and started building a new one from where I left. It was probably the biggest and most challenging experience ever. I once read somewhere, that you'll never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have. Very true. I learned that I have a strange power within that made me recover so soon. Thanks to Puspa, my best friend, I discovered that power. :)

I learned that life is really precious. I used to thank God everyday when I wake up that I still have my Sathyan next to me. When he was taken away, I was angry at first, but then I learned that I was probably the luckiest girl alive today :) I married a perfect man! A perfect husband! Impossible? Well, then you've never met my Sathyan. I thanked God everyday for giving me a perfect man and a perfect marriage - it was good while it lasted. 

Life goes on. By the time I managed to pull myself together and put my life back on the right track, it was already approaching the dawn of 2012! I know Sathyan has guided me all the way through. I live life to the fullest now - I do things that my heart says right and keep my sanity in check all the time. Well, at least I try to.

Some good things are appearing to me finally, but I know I would have to wade another huge wave before I can get what I wanted. 2012 looks promising though, and I hope by this time next year I would be sitting down to write how wonderful the year have been in 2012. =)

That too if the world doesn't end by then. Haha..

There's no beginning and no ending

It began where it ended. It ended where it began. Confusing life isn't it?

That's how my mind is right now. I am confused. Very.

Very.

Sometimes, you just wish some things don't happen but when it does you're glad it did. Then comes a point that tells you whether this is right? Am I doing the right thing? Some tells yes, some tells no. Heart says go, brain says what, no! As you spend endless nights figuring out what's the best for you, suddenly a single twist of event throws you back to where you started.

I look at my life with a simple principle - what makes me happy? Of course it has always been, what makes Sathyan happy (first) then comes what makes me happy. Almost always, anything that makes him happy, will definitely make me happy. Now, it's just me and that's a good thing, I believe. It's easier for me to make decisions. :)

About couple of months back, I went to Singapore. My dad was totally against it, because I told him I was bringing Sathyan with me. It was a time when Sathyan was finally out of hospital and was yearning to get out and explore. I know it wouldn't be too difficult for me to give him that. :) So I did all the arrangements, spoke to his primary doctor, got all the approval ready and we were ready to board. Yet, my dad was still furious. He was worried about Sathyan's safety more than anything else (more than his own daughter's, if I may emphasis :)). He ended his argument with his famous warning words, "Do whatever you want. If anything happens, YOU are responsible. Don't expect me to fix anything for you."

I know how much it meant for my husband who was confined within hospital walls for more than 18 months. My heart told me the trip will make him happy and that in turn will make me happy too. So, against my dad's will for the first time in my life, we went. I kept a positive outlook that everything will be OK. It was Sathyan's last trip. 

I am glad I followed what my heart told me - I knew what will make me happy and Sathyan enjoyed himself so much. He loved being out there taking photographs. I fulfilled his wish to take a night shot of the Marina Bay. He almost couldn't, wanting to give up - but I kept pushing him, because I knew it was something that he always wanted to do. We did target for a dusk shot, but at least this is better than nothing. :)

Marina Bay night shot by Sathyan Ram

He had the best Nasi Lemak of his life (best in my life too) at Singapore's 60's Food Trail. The two of us had the best time of our lives in Singapore. Despite his illness which was never cured, he managed to walk, jump, run and still massage my feet by the end of the day (because he knew how much I tried to catch up with him :)). He was so full of life. Some probably heard the term live life like there's no tomorrow. My Sathyan showed me how to do it :)

So, that single experience taught me a valuable lesson in my life. We often worry unnecessarily (like how my dad reacted). More often we conclude something might just fail even before trying it.What if I get lost? What if it gets delayed? What if it doesn't arrive? What if it doesn't work? What if it fails? The worse thing that can happen to anyone's life is their own death. If you're already dying, then nothing else matters.

"Just Live." - Sathyan

Note: I know I have been posting a lot about Sathyan this past few weeks, as much as I tried not to. It's just hard for me to look at my life without having him in it. I may have moved on, but he will always be a part of my life. Hence, if you're still reading this blog - put up with it please :P

Remembering Sathyan

I often find it hard to explain the kind of relationship Sathyan and I shared. Simple words just doesn't do the justice. And then came this song. Which explained oh-so-perfectly the depth of our beautiful relationship. When I listened and tried to absorb the meaning of each line, only one person comes to my mind - Sathyan :)

Last night, he came to visit me :) Sigh... such a wonderful husband - he knows exactly when I needed him.

This song is my perfect dedication to my love. In a week's time, it's his 33rd birthday and our 4th year wedding anniversary. Happy Birthday Pa and Happy Anniversary :)

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

இருளில் கண்ணீரும் எதற்கு..
மடியில் கண்மூட வா..
அழகே இந்த சோகம் எதற்கு..
நான் உன் தாயும் அல்லவா..

உனக்கென மட்டும் வாழும் இதயமடி
உயிர் உள்ள வரை நான் உன் அடிமையடி

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

அழுதால் உன் பார்வையும்
அயந்தால் உன் கால்களும்
அதிகாலையில் கூடலில் சோகம் தீர்க்கும் போதுமா
நிழல் தேடிடும் ஆண்மையும்
நிஜம் தேடிடும் பெண்மையும்
ஒரு போர்வையில் வாழும் இன்பம்
தெய்வம் தந்த சொந்தமா
என் ஆழுள் ரேகை நீயடி என் ஆணி வேரடி
சுமை தாங்கும் எந்தன் கண்மணி
எனை சுடும் பணி..

உனக்கென மட்டும் வாழும் இதயமடி
உயிர் உள்ள வரை நான் உன் அடிமையடி

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா..

விழியின் அந்த தேடலும்
அலையும் உந்தன் நெஞ்சமும்
புரிந்தாலே போதுமே ஏழு ஜென்மம் தாங்குவேன்
அனல் மேலே வாழ்கிறாய்
நதி போலே பாய்கிறாய்
ஒரு காரணம் இல்லையே மீசை வைத்த பிள்ளையே
இதை காதல் என்று சொல்வதா?
நிழல் காய்ந்து கொள்வதா
தினம் கொள்ளும் இந்த பூமியில்,
நீ வரும் வரும் இடம்..

A rose without thorns..

...  is like love without heartbreak - it doesn't make sense. 

And so what am I without the dearest of my dear friends? (I would probably make more sense, maybe?) :)

My birthday cake this year from the devils! :)

Prior to my birthday (which happened to be yesterday), I wasn't really looking forward of celebrating it. It's just never the same without Sathyan - the master of surprise planner in our group. Every year he will organize massive dinner plans, inviting every single person near and dear to me - to shower me with love and smother my face with cake! Even when it is his birthday, I'll get the cake all over my face - somehow! Every restaurant that we go to will definitely end up in disaster. 

Cakes everywhere except on our plates and stomach.

I still remember the time he made me stand on a chair, sing a song at a pepper mill and blow my birthday candles almost two feet away while still standing on a chair at a restaurant! Oh, not to forget the time he tried his best to cook something up for me on my birthday and the best he came up with was egg and cheese sandwich - which still had egg shells in it. It was really cute! The look on his face when I pulled out the egg shell, was priceless. I still ate it :)

I celebrated my last birthday with him last year - at that time I didn't know it will be our last celebration together. Yes, even at the hospital the cake got on my face as well...

I'm forever grateful for the wonderful girls who has always been with me and made my life and day much brighter yesterday. I thought I would be sitting in a corner of my room, keeping to myself and cry from the break of dawn till the wee hours of midnight. But that wasn't the case. And I am also so very deeply grateful they did not waste the Baskin Robbins cake on my face or the floor! It would have killed me instantly to see an ice cream cake die tragically outside my mouth!

So here's a BIG thank you to everyone who made it a wonderful day. I know Sathyan is smiling - he left me in good hands. :) But sorry girls, I still cannot promise a place in heaven for all of you though (I know my place is already reserved :P).

We had lunch at Golden Triangle - Sathyan's favorite restaurant. I could just feel him all around me yesterday :) My favorite was the prawn of course. Here's a picture of the big juicy prawns we had (I finished most of it anyway).

Yes, that wasn't the kind of treat Sathyan would give, was it? I know, I know... So, I will plan for a better one. He's going to be so proud of me. ;)

Pictures taken using SGS2.

Sometimes I wish, some things last...

Sathyan's last birthday wish - for me.

One Sunday Morning

Copyright Leena Ganesh

Finally, I made the time to get back into my photography. I took this picture today morning at Penang Hill, while the morning dew still fresh - the whole place felt rejuvenated. Best viewed large.

 Copyright Leena Ganesh

 Copyright Leena Ganesh

I woke up at 4.30am today to catch the sunrise but it was a cloudy morning, unfortunately. It was also drizzling. After much attempt (my first attempt to shoot during twilight hours) I felt I did a pretty good job with the picture below. I wouldn't go on bragging how awesome the picture is (I know it's not :P) but I felt a sense of satisfaction looking at my final result - a picture taken without a tripod! Sathyan would have been proud of me - I've honored his last wish :)

Copyright Leena Ganesh