What defines your day?

For me, something pleasant. When I wake up and something pleasant happens, it turns my mood completely. Keeps me happy.

Never really had those moments often. But today it happened.

My 16-month-old woke up at 6am while I was getting ready for work. With a fuzzy mind and half open eyes she was able to figure out I was standing next to the bed.

And with the sweetest voice ever she called out "Amma", tried to get up and hug me. I reached out to her and carried her. She wrapped her tiny arms around my neck and quietly rested her head on my shoulder.

It wasn't the first hearing her call me mom. Each time she does there's a sweet tone to it... which melts my heart. But today, hearing that soft sweet voice innocently looking for me carved a memory that'll never forget.

Being a mother. Just to hear this little voice. It's all worth it.

Books, books and books!

I can't believe I have not blogged for few months! Can you believe that? Of course you can, you saw no posts for the past few months, and it's not something new, isn't it?

My baby is now all grown up *isk* she's turning 16! 16 months that is... :P So that means, I get to spend more time with her and she knows what I'm trying to teach her. She now walks and talks! Babbles most of the time, but she can say some simple words to get what she wants... like wanting touch something. Or wanting to eat banana. Yes, just like me, she likes banana.

And the fact that she's more mobile now is enough to keep me on my toes. She's very responsive to instructions and requests for her to do something. So, what is my point now telling all this? 

I've been busy of course! Now you know, why the blog has been lonely for so long? Hehe...

Alright, now that my daughter has been growing up at lightning speed, it's a good time to start building that little library I have always dreamt of for my children. 

Yes, with physical books. 

No, not my Kindle library. 

Yes, the books has no batteries. 

No, you have to read to those books.

Yes, by actually flipping the pages.

Yes, library for children exists.

When I was a kid, my parents unknowingly (I think it was just by chance) bought a library set for me (and my sisters). That one thing helped shape my future. They didn't know reading starts at an early age. They just thought the books would help us in one way or another. I loved those books. I would spend hours browsing and reading. Reading again and again. 

And they went missing. The books I mean, not my parents.

I knew I had to get those books back - back in my shelf. My daughter must read these book. She simply has to. I despise those who has never touched these books as kids. I truly am saddened - saddened that my daughter may never read these books. The fact that these books are no longer in publications means, I cannot buy any new editions of the ones I used to read. 

And so, I found out a secondhand book dealer in KL - Junk Book Store at the heart of KL city. I called them up and found out they do have the book sets available and apparently, in good condition too.

You see, good condition is a very subjective term. I was hoping it to be almost new, untouched kind of good condition - because the price they quoted was well above what my dad paid for many years ago. I know, I know... I was expecting too much. But the price that they quoted, equates to my expectation.

Only to be let down. I was hunting for 2 sets of books. One set looked as if it was dug out from a trash bin. There were torn pages, plenty of markings and scribbles. The other set looks good from the outside. The covers were nice, but there were so many markings, drawings, scribbles and what appears to be hand prints of kids. I was really disappointed. Price was not negotiable at all. I didn't feel happy paying the sum and I knew Internet will have the answer.

Ok, eBay to be exact. Just to be clear, I have searched these books in eBay before, but sellers were either selling incomplete set or bad condition set. Not too happy about it either.

But luck was on my side when I finally had the time to comb through eBay and find the books I wanted. I found two of my favourite set, both located in US, one being a rare collection now. Vintage set, how about that! Now I know why the secondhand book dealer was charging me an arm and leg for it.Non-negotiable on top of that!

Surprise surprise, the price was negotiable on eBay (I gave my best offer and it was accepted). And with the shipping and all, what I paid was just half of what the secondhand book dealer quoted me. And the best part is, the ones I just purchased were in excellent condition - at least from the pictures shared to me by the seller - far, way far, better than what Junk Book Store had in their store. I wish, I could bring my books to them and show it to them.

Well of course I can't.

Who would lug 31 books across the KL city just to prove a point? And, it's in their name - they call themselves "junk" for a reason, right?

Anyway, I don't have the books yet in my hands and I can't wait to touch and flip them. These gems, (yes, GEMS) are on their way to their new home. I am excited... I finally found something that was so much part of my childhood which I treasured so much. I'm sad the original books that I read are missing now... but I am also glad, I found a replacement for it - and one that is in good condition too.

Watch for my updates when the books are delivered to me.

By the way, eBay's global shipping program is just so awesome. It takes the worry out of me cracking my head over import duties, taxes and customs. :)

So now, Mr Husband - we have a library to build. :)

The Birth Story - Part 3

As the pain got worse, I clenched on the sides of the bed each time the contraction comes in. Anand then stepped in to sort things out.

He somehow persuaded me to use gas which is basically some sort of option that makes you believe that you're not in labor pain even though you really are. It's a good hallucinating experience. But the gas did not make my pain go away. My mind was just too strong to be tricked. 

Epidural was the last option available. I resisted. Anand insisted. I finally gave in when he told me, taking epidural doesn't make me any less of a mother and not taking one doesn't make me a superior mother. We got the anaesthetics in immediately, and along with intense contraction pain, I persevered the electrifying epidural procedure. 

But, boy was I RELIEVED! As I started experiencing numbness in my lower body, I slowly started to relax. The contraction was there, but the pain isn't. I felt so, so relaxed and glad that I took the epidural option. I managed to catch some nap, because I was relaxed, I dilated even quicker. 

Around 7.30pm, my gynae came announced I'm finally ready to greet my baby. I was dilated enough to go for normal delivery. The midwives and doctor started preparing me for the delivery. 

Anand was very excited and got his camera ready. The doctor joked to him that it is still long way to go and it will take hours before the baby comes out. He responded that he didn't mind waiting but wanted to be "ready".

It did not take hours.

Well it seemed like hours for me. But really, it was just 20 minutes or so.

Baby ma was out before Anand could even get the camera settings right! She came out squirming, and looked really beautiful to me. I carried her for a while before she was whisked away for the usual tests. Anand followed baby ma, while the doctor gets the rest of things done.

She weighed 3.71kg. Around 50cm long. Tall baby, eh? Of course! :P

But something was not right. That's how I decoded when the nurse came in to inform the doctor they have to bring Baby Ma to NICU. I wanted to follow her, but my legs were still numb. I can't walk yet and I had to be bedridden. Anand did all the running around.

He came back and told me everything was ok. But I knew something was just not right.

Nothing but the best

The fact I didn't have the time to post any new blog updates is enough to show I have plenty of drama and action going on in my life. Where to begin..

My project at work that I have been working on for more than a year now is almost near completion. Yes, that means I am busy with the project rollout. I am particularly proud of this project because it has given me the exposure and experience that I never imagine getting. I feel proud to be part of the core team member to produce an in-house built CRM application for an international bank. 

The new software system will be rollout to all branches in Malaysia this coming week. And I have been as busy as bee getting the managers from every branch trained. I'm their new best friend :)

Moving on, being mother myself made me realise a lot of things. I know people who often complain their parents did not do enough for them when they were younger so they wanted to give their own kids what they never had. True, we often want to give our kids what our parents didn't give us. But what we didn't realise was, our parents actually gave us things that their parents didn't give them. Makes sense?

And along the struggle to give the children what we never had, we work hard to ensure what they are getting is the best. As parents, that's what we do. Our children to have the best of clothes, toys, feeding bottles, and the list goes on. I am definitely one of them. But, the best comes with a price. And instead of giving the best to kids, we most often give the best that we know and we could afford. Going by the same principle, I'm sure our parents have done the same.

Why I am suddenly talking about this? I finally realised my parents has done the best for me at their best capacity. I used to wonder why I didn't get the same funky toy as the girl at the kindergarten did. Or why am I walking to school. Why I have to exhaust my school bag to the point of tearing apart before getting new one. Why I had to use a huge cardboard box as my study table for many years before finally getting a proper one at 13. Why I had to settle for things that is not brand new. 

Why? Because my parents acted on their best capacity based on their best knowledge of my needs. I have to trust they have given me the best. In fact they did and I'm happy they didn't choose to abandon me somewhere but instead decided to raise me with all they had. I'm glad I grew up healthy, with proper food and clothings and most importantly, I was given education - something that some parents at that time deemed unnecessary. 

I do a lot of research before getting something for my daughter. Like every other parent out there, I want her to have the best too. But the best is limited to what I can afford. Her clothes, her toys even her play mat is carefully chosen. As a baby, her very survival is dependent on me. This made me appreciate my parents even more. How they took on the responsibility to care for not one but three kids. It's just amazing. Of course I do feel at times the care and love given is lopsided which I aim not to repeat with my own children but the fact they fulfilled my basic necessities and aided my growth all these years is commendable. 

But there will always be people out there who will complain that their parents did not do enough for them and they had to work their way up. I find it amusing. Unless the person is orphaned or grew up at a welfare home (or even alone), there's no such thing your parents did not do anything. No one in this world had a perfect childhood and one can never have enough of everything. Likewise, no one can give everything for their kids despite the intention to do so. Our parents was in the same boat as well. And they didn't have Google at that time, yet they did their best to find out what's best for us.

The Birth Story - Part I

Phew!

I can't believe it's going to be almost 2 months post delivery! It was so full of ups and downs for sure.

My birth experience was something that is worth documenting, for I want to remember it some time in future. :)

My due date was on Christmas last year. The doctor however did not want to wait that long though. So she was planning to induce me 2 weeks earlier before Christmas if I don't go into labour naturally. My deadline was 12th December which was supposedly my last check up date before the doctor decides to induce my labour on 16th December.

I have already planned to work from home from 10th December onwards which will give me some time to prepare myself mentally to go through the labour. However, from early December on, the few steps I take from my bed to the bathroom was already too much to bear for me. What more to get ready for work? 

I decided to make use of the medical leave and worked from home. I took it easy and spent most of my time taking short naps. Sleeping was a chore on its own! Despite the heaviness that was draining my energy day in and out, I spent 4 hours walking in the Big Bad Wolf sale. The sale started on 6th but I only went there on 9th, and that too at night. The following day, I was too tired for anything else after spending hours looking at books. So, I continued to work from home and by afternoon I badly needed a sleep. I woke up couple of hours later in the evening with some contraction pain, which was irregular.

I knew from my antenatal classes that irregular contractions are often false labour, which I have been having on and off some days of the week. I ignored the pain and took a warm shower. Made myself a cup of coffee and sat down in front of the TV.

As the hours passed, the contractions became more and more apparent. I used an Android application, Contraction Timer, to time the contractions. I told Anand about the pain taking a regular pattern. He insisted to get to the hospital right way. But I still felt it was false labour and that I can wait. It was the night of 10th December. My follow up check up is not until 12th. I was trying to decide whether I should wait or head to the hospital. 

The moment I started getting stabbing pain under my belly, I knew it was time to get the hospital and have it checked. Anand and I took a quick shower, got our bags and headed to Hospital Pantai KL.

Being blank

It finally comes down to this. I don't know whether it's the hormones or it's really me just going through a phase of my life. I'm probably just tired.

Past few days I feel very exhausted. Mentally and physically. I often sit and stare at the sky or even empty walls with nothing, literally, in my mind. I just feel blank and lost. Too much of things? Stressed? Worried?

I just don't know what to pin point. But sleep has been of help although I'm not getting much of it these days thanks to my growing belly and the heavy baby.

Even now I'm supposed to be working. I have so many things to complete before my break starts. And yet here I am, at the café blogging about my troubled mind. I thought ice cream would help but the money I spent buying one just now went down the drain because it certainly didn't help.

Everyday this few days I've been looking forward to finish work, get back home shower and sleep. Even dinner is not something I want. I eat just for the sake of the baby.

I certainly don't know what is causing this but I'm hoping it'll just pass... like how everything else did.

The last lap

Few more weeks left!

One of my colleagues asked me two days back, how I am feeling now that my delivery date is getting near. Am I feeling nervous? Stressed?

This got me thinking. I wasn't really worried about this whole experience of being a parent. It was more like is everything there for my baby? Is the world ready to see my baby? :)

I would definitely attribute my calmness and preparedness to Anand - the backbone of my journey. He has been there from the start and now we're taking the final lap together to put things together to welcome our baby. 

Two weekends ago we went to SOGO to purchase some basic baby clothes. It was really tempting to get all the nice clothes but then, we didn't. We felt basic baby clothes were enough, along with some cloth napkins. Anand got for me a homecoming blouse while we were there. Hehe... 

The following weekend we went to IKEA. There we decided to get more of the basic items we needed for the baby's arrival. The challenge was getting something that does not limit to only baby's use. So, after a lot of thinking and deciding, also while keeping to a tight budget, we managed to get everything else that we needed. This was the tiring part.

But it was worth it. Seeing our little one's face, sucking fingers in a 4D scan. Sharing the little one's face with our parents. Seeing my tummy move up and down with every kick and stretch.

Few more weeks and then the waiting game starts :)

Incubating Life - The Journey

It took me couple of months to convince myself that I am going to be a mother. Every time I met my obstetrician for the check up in the first few months, I needed the ultrasound images AND the video of my growing baby to tell me, yes, this is real!

Now that the little life inside me started kicking, the feeling of belonging somewhere, being important to someone gets more and more intense daily. Sometimes at night, I just lie down and watch my belly jump here and there. :)

My baby has already taught me how to eat well. Well, I have to anyway, with my doctor on my tail making sure I am not taking unhealthy calories and my meals daily are always nutrious in some way. I get to cheat once a week (eating what I crave) but most of the time, I keep to my diet. After all, I am expecting a big baby (both my husband and I were huge baby), but I don't want the little one to be bigger than he or she should.

Yes, I still don't know the gender. My baby has decided to give us a surprise and we're all in for it. Although, we are determined to find out at every follow up :P

I am getting my pre-natal check ups done at Hospital Pantai Kuala Lumpur, under the care of Dr Premitha. So far, she has been great. I'm just glad we did manage to get an appointment with her. Thanks to her too, I did not balloon up as everyone thought I would. She is just very particular with diet and unnecessary weight gain.

My husband and I have started attending the antenatal class at the hospital. The classes just assured us that we have picked the right hospital for our first (albeit the price tag). Being a baby-friendly hospital, Pantai KL encourages breastfeeding, ensures new parents are well-informed of all things related to baby care and provides the facilities to encourage bonding between the father and baby - which is what I liked most.

My husband has also enrolled me in a pre-natal yoga class with Malaysian Yoga Society which I started yesterday. The classes are on weekends, and runs for about an hour. The instructor has been quite gentle and supporting. We started off with stretching, breathing and relaxation exercise. The stretching exercise definitely did wonders to my aching back!

It has been some incredible (and expensive) journey so far. My husband has been giving the best of care and support from the start (he also rubs my tummy daily with body butter just so that I don't suffer from stretch marks). We just can't wait to see the face of our little one. The doctor tried the 4D scan in our last check up, but the cheeky one kept covering the face with the little hands. :)

 

So...

Isn't it weird that people who talk so much about you (behind your back that is) think they know everything about you and they have the right to do so?

I just find these people are amazing. They make conclusions and define the kind of person you are when they have barely known what you have gone through in your life. Well, limited minds have limited thoughts. If they can sit and talk about others all the time, and think what other rumours so called news to spread, gosh, I can imagine how boring their life is. I hardly even have time to think what to eat or cook!And these people have all the time in the world to talk about others?! Wow...

As the saying goes, what goes around comes around. Spreading untrue stories about another person to others will one day come back biting. How? Well, karma has its own way dealing with these people.

I always feel, if you have nothing good to say, just shut up. Stop spending your "bored times" thinking what to talk about others. Use it to make yourself better. Use it to improve your life. Always remember, no one is faultless and perfect in this world.

The world had only ONE Mother Theresa. And she's dead.

Every end has a beginning

That's the tag that we use to console ourselves, injecting our souls with the hope of getting something different - better or worse doesn't matter, just something different - to carry on with our lives. 

We hope to see changes, hope to gain something or lose something, hope to create something or destroy something. 

As the new year approaches, I am filled with mixed feelings. But I am choosing to not bother about all the things that is not going to help me move forward. I cannot do anything to change people, but I can do something to change myself. 

So this new year, I want to start a new life.  People often say that we often don't know what we had until we lost it. But for me, I didn't know what I have been losing until I found it.

I am glad I've found a diamond that I once thought I will never find again.

The next chapter

It took me some time to digest the things that swirled around me this past few weeks.

First was my resignation from my job. As much as I loved what I was doing, I always felt there is room for me to get something better. Although I did not actively seek out for a new opportunity, one came smacking on my face. 

A good one too.

After contemplating and weighing everything under the sun, I decided to let go my comfort zone and plunge into unknown territory. It was the same feeling I had when I lost Sathyan - learning to let go and be brave enough to explore new environment. It wasn't easy, and I cannot say things will be better, but surely, I will get there. Part of the learning and growing up process, eh? :)

I tendered my resignation within 2 weeks after my promotion. Left a week later. I felt both good and sad. Good because I know I have made a decision that will improve my life, bring some vital changes that I have been looking forward (better working hours mainly) but sad because I have to be away from things that I am familiar with - my friends, family and home. Also from a job that I did so well in. But I do know, my stress level were going up and honestly, I was hoping some miracle would happen and get me a new job.

I got it :P

So here I am, having a cup of coffee, taking a step back, giving myself a short break, and looking forward for a new beginning in few days time.

On being selfish

Source: iobad.com via Andrea on Pinterest

Family isn't always blood

Entering the zone

This year marks an important milestone in my life - reaching the big three-zero zone. I should have, theoretically speaking, figured everything out about life by now. Well, not really.

Learning is a process that never stops. The day you think you've known enough is the day you stop living life.

Anyway, being me and my tendency to reflect on certain things, I came up with a list of things that I am glad I have discovered by the time I'm thirty.

What you eat matters. 

In today's world, food industry has been twisted in so many ways that some people actually think eating French Fries at McDonald's is considered "fresh" food. Just because some food are cooked just before it was served to you, doesn't mean it is fresh. I learned a lot about food, its nutrients and the importance of removing processed food from your diet while I was caring for my husband, Sathyan. The information I gathered and learned blew me away. The experience changed my perception towards food and health, and I learned, for you to live a good healthy life you must have a balanced meal. There is no exception.

Points to ponder: Being vegetarian doesn't guarantee you against a disease-free life. Most of the cancer patients I have met during my stay at the hospital are vegetarians who practice some form of meditations. The only difference eating healthy and regular exercise makes in your life is how your body will be able to better resist itself from disease invasion, hence increasing your chances of survival.

Not every relationship matters.

And you cannot make everyone happy. This is the most important lesson I learned. Somehow, you will come to realize the true intentions of people around you, and when that happens you will know whether the relationship is worth saving or burning. In my life, I thought if I lose certain folks from my life I won't be able to live. That is not true. Relationships are like clouds - when one goes away another one comes along. You just need to learn to accept, adapt and appreciate. No point taking a step backward. Always look for a better day by moving forward. And some relationship, no matter how hard you try, will not return :)

Knowledge is power. 

What you learn in school or university is not going to help you. Any fool can know, the point is to understand (Albert Einstein). You are always on the winning side if only you invest some time to learn something new and understand the impact that knowledge would give to you. Make use of it - in every positive way. This is the most important lesson that I learned at hospital. Although trusting your doctor is essential - I often do research on my own to counter some diagnosis and prescriptions given by doctors to my husband. That amazed the doctors so much, that my husband's case was handled with extra caution because they know, the wife (me) will not let them go off-hook easily if I found out something went wrong.

Do what will help you to move forward,

and ignore those that drags you backward. I learned to keep positive-minded people around me and that helped me to come out from a lot of poisonous moments throughout my life.

Keep a hobby and take a break.

When stress builds up and I am at a breaking point, it is good to know that there are some things that can take my mind away. I love to cook, take photographs and travel - these things make me happy and something that I enjoy doing. So if you think keeping hobby is a waste, think again. They actually keep you alive as humane as possible.

Only four things? It took me 30 years to learn four things? Well, not really. There are some lessons that are basically tucked within my mind that should not be released for public reading pleasure. But one thing for sure, I think I have a lot more figured out in my life than some girls of my age. :)

Poda Podi

Thanks to YouTube, I managed to watch the movie Poda Podi online, with a clear copy quality. Well, technically it is still legal, right?

Anyway, it was a really funny movie and one that smacks reality on your face! So, what follows next is my review of the movie and it may contain spoilers.

Movie started off with the introduction of the female lead, Varu - a girl whose only dream is to win a dance competition in UK and she knows nothing else. She has a guardian aunt, who is a party freak like her as well. They dance, and party, and dance and party - for her all these define "happy" life. So while clubbing one day, she met with the male lead, STR who is actually quite a reserved man and is out there looking for someone (some girl to go home with).

That's where the first smack of reality comes in. STR prints fake Euro dollars and keeps it in his wallet to actually show-off he is well-to-do. Looking at this, Varu is immediately attracted - for the money of course. And she went all out to get him - they became a couple within 27 hours. Interesting! :P

And so, just like that they became a couple madly in love only to realize 12 hours later they can't get along. The way STR explained on how to know whether we're in love, is definitely funny! Anyway, to movie moved on with STR assuming marrying Varu would make her change to be a better woman - a woman that he wants. Varu on the other hand is quite sociable and mixes around generously (which irks STR in every way possible). 

What I don't understand here is, STR met Varu in a club - of all places. How can he expect a girl who loves clubbing to stay at home and become the traditional Indian wife that he wants so badly? If at all that's what he wanted, then he looked for the wrong place, didn't he?

So who's mistake is it for not living up to expectation, Varu or STR? Varu put forward an interesting challenge by asking STR to change the way he is and adapt to her, instead of her changing her way. After all, he should have seen this coming, right?

Well, unfortunately he didn't. They broke up and STR was happy to actually know it ended. Not for long though, they got back together and got married. They even had a child together - and STR believed it will be all bliss finally. That too didn't last too long, and this is where the entire story takes its twist.

The entire movie brushes the fundamental elements in a relationship - love, ego and tolerance. It may not appeal to everyone and it doesn't really have a strong story. It's just funny to see how some real life stories can be depicted in reel life, and the two - STR and Varu - carried it seamlessly.

So, Poda Podi paarkelamma vennama? Take a break, catch this. The comedy helps. :)

On Diwali

Days like today remind me a lot about Sathyan. I tried, but I couldn't. I just miss him.

I have never really celebrated Diwali - it has always been about business, nothing much of a family affair. My friends used to visit me on this day - that was eons ago, while I was still in primary school to be exact. And I have stopped asking them to come. Before Sathyan, Diwali was just like any other day for me.

I remember working on Diwali just because I wanted to - I had nothing better to do and I can make use of that extra money. Also, most of the time I spend it alone, except for one year when I spent it with Vino's family. 

When I got married to Sathyan, that was my first taste of what it feels to celebrate Diwali. We put in a lot of effort to get our house ready for the festival. I actually had new clothes that he bought for me. And I actually went to temple on Diwali day for the first time in my life. It felt good - I finally had a family that I can celebrate the day with. Sathyan used to buy a lot of firecrackers so that we can play with our nephews. Ever since then, I always looked forward for Diwali. He gave me something that I always wanted to have, but never did. The sound of his laughter as he sees me running for cover when the firecrackers explode, still in my ears. It was wonderful.

Losing him, really meant losing everything I had. I guess, no one can really understand the magnitude of my loss. After all, everyone still have their family intact. For me, he was the only family I had.

So on this day, I just miss him a lot.

Oh, by the way... the picture above belongs to me :) Taken in December 2005.

Waiting for something

When you want something, it's just hard to wait. But if it's good, you know it will be worth it. And only some things are worth the wait.

Anyway, I got promoted at work! It definitely took a lot of hard work to get this far but I know my work is not done. More things to look forward to and I am definitely waiting for the training that I have been dying to get enrolled for almost 3 years now!

This past year I know I have been making a lot of decisions - in life especially. I have been accepting huge risks and putting my relationships with few people at stake with my decisions. It was never easy for me. I never had to be in such situations before. After all, "everyone" wants to protect me. Hehe...

But it only took one death to teach me how important it is to appreciate and live my life. Made a mistake? Repair. Irreparable? Then leave it - move on. Just don't waste your time. I learned to accept that we can't make everyone happy.

Every time I sense someone tries to stop me from doing something, I only think about the day I decided to go against my dad's words and took Sathyan with me to Singapore. A decision that until today I am glad I made.

And with that in mind, I have never regretted any of the decisions I have made. In fact, I'm glad I took certain turns in my life because it finally brought me home.

I’m coming home

I’m coming home

Tell the World I’m coming home

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes

I’m coming home, I’m coming home

Tell the World that I’m coming... home.

- Coming Home

I thought they were gone

When my husband passed away a year back, I finally learned why some people say "you can only cry so much".

Because, I cried and cried and cried. I slept next to the coffin hoping he would knock the glass panel and scream to get out. Every time I popped my head to look at him, I'd cry again. It would hit me like waves. My whole body shivered. I felt weak. 

At a point when I thought I have already lost everything, one more thing went missing. My tears. I couldn't cry anymore. Tears stopped producing. I was still grieving, sad and immensely depressed. Yet, the tears refused to trickle. I stopped crying. Because, I couldn't anymore.

And I thought that was the end of my tears.

But today I learned that wasn't the case. I experienced something that made my tears appear again. So I guess I have to be grateful that I can still cry. :)

Being Grateful

I have so much of things to be grateful for. Every person's journey is different and I don't think I am in a position to write whether I went through the worst or the better - compared to the rest I know. Somehow, I am sure there are people with different problems to deal with. No one's problem is small or big - our paths are different - that's all.

I have decided to start something new with my blog. I would create a label called "grateful" and the whole idea is to label posts that talks about things I am grateful about. It can be something really small - yet I am thankful.

The idea hit me today while I was driving back home (as usual great things come to me when I'm trying to not to speed). It was raining very heavily today and the clouds were dark - it was 4.30pm but was almost as dark as 7.30pm. The visibility on the highway was reduced to a mere 100-150 meters and most cars were going slowly - around 80-90km/h. 

I was very careful but I would say it was needless. Why? Because my car was that stable! Honestly, it was totally a different experience for me. A short flashback hit me then. I recalled the time when I had to endure massive downpours on highways, being splashed by heavy trucks passing by on the opposite or side lane, and keep both my hands locked on my steering wheel to avoid the car from skidding. Imagine how fragile the car was!

Today, despite the heavy downpour and low visibility, I was able to travel at a reasonable speed and the only difference I felt compared to driving during non-rainy days was the swiping wiper - which did its job quietly by the way. 

And that's about it. 

I am very grateful for being able to own a good, safe car. In spite of some remarks some may have thrown unto me for getting a new car, I'm glad I have moved past the fear and invested in something that will keep me alive while I'm on the road. I am extremely grateful :)

The Missing piece

There is always some form of incompleteness in my life these days. I know a very important piece is missing. I also know what it is.

The only thing that is making me sad right now is the fact that I could do nothing about it. Right now, at least. 

Probably I should start keeping fish again. They used to keep me company.

And never complained.