Mission Statement

During one of my training sessions few months back, I wrote a mission statement for my life. A Life's mission statement is something that you hold on close to your heart and acts as a guiding point for you to be or to have what you want in your life. As I step into a new year full of anticipation (yet again), I've decided to share my life's mission, which will be my overall purpose of living. It's a living thing so I may occasionally update this post from time to time.

I want to turn my life into a book-worthy  experience. Hope is a good thing, but for me hope is hopeless. I will not sit and hope things to happen. I will act on it and I will be persistent in whatever I do. Life is for living, and I will not waste it by being sad or worrying. 

I want to take time to see the little things in life like how beautiful the world is after the rain, or how magical a rainbow is, or how loving my family is. I want to go beyond the borders that bound and explore the world - I want to see what else God has created in this wonderful place. 

No one gets a second shot at life, but if it does happen - grab it. My life is in my hands. I just want to live and I'm giving it a second shot! :)

Happy New Year!!

There's a place that I go, that nobody knows
Where the rivers flow, and I call it home
And there's no more lies, and the darkness is light
And nobody cries, there's only butterflies

Take me away
A secret place
A sweet escape
Take me away
Take me away
To better days
Take me away
A hiding place

The sun is on my side
It takes me for a ride
I smile up to the sky
I know I'll be all right :)

Let's end 2011

With this quote from the movie Braveheart (courtesy of a kind-hearted soul who trusted me enough to lend the Blu-Ray copy!):

Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Happy 2012! =)

Let's review 2011

Exactly a year ago, I wrote five things that I wanted to achieve by the end of 2011. So I'll start with these five things first:

1) One photo, one day - Also known as 365 project.
Status: Failed.

2) One book, one month.
Status: Neutral. I did buy lots of books, but never really followed monthly reading habit.

3) One stuff, one year.
Status: Failed.

4) One skill, one year.

Status: Failed.

5) One country, one year

Status: Failed.

So I guess, nothing much huh? Alright, I'll figure out something soon :)

What was 2011 for me?

It was a challenging year. I literally lived through a nightmare when Sathyan was admitted in the GICU due to severe blood infection after a round of final chemo dose prior to his bone marrow transplant - his second admission! I fought my way through to save him again - generally no one gets a second admission in GICU, but Sathyan did, because I fought a good fight for him. I knew, if someone has to do it, it has to be me - his wife. The doctors were so sure he will not make it, and gave me the probability of him surviving to 0%. Yes, zero chance. I rebutted, "Trust me, and he'll make it. Just give him two days."

He did. Such strong determination he had.

And he lived a good happy life for full 5 months. I got back to my work when he was out of the hospital and I started picking up traces of my career that I left behind for more than a year. It was challenging - juggling work and love. But, I was glad I had all the support I needed from my parents, sisters and my best friends. The biggest blow came to me when Sathyan breathed his last in my arms. The vision is so vivid - my mind and heart went numb. And it stayed that way for another two weeks. But then, Sathyan left me in good hands :)

My friends helped to pull me out from a severe depression state - I was shown the direction. I started picking up pieces of my broken life and started building a new one from where I left. It was probably the biggest and most challenging experience ever. I once read somewhere, that you'll never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have. Very true. I learned that I have a strange power within that made me recover so soon. Thanks to Puspa, my best friend, I discovered that power. :)

I learned that life is really precious. I used to thank God everyday when I wake up that I still have my Sathyan next to me. When he was taken away, I was angry at first, but then I learned that I was probably the luckiest girl alive today :) I married a perfect man! A perfect husband! Impossible? Well, then you've never met my Sathyan. I thanked God everyday for giving me a perfect man and a perfect marriage - it was good while it lasted. 

Life goes on. By the time I managed to pull myself together and put my life back on the right track, it was already approaching the dawn of 2012! I know Sathyan has guided me all the way through. I live life to the fullest now - I do things that my heart says right and keep my sanity in check all the time. Well, at least I try to.

Some good things are appearing to me finally, but I know I would have to wade another huge wave before I can get what I wanted. 2012 looks promising though, and I hope by this time next year I would be sitting down to write how wonderful the year have been in 2012. =)

That too if the world doesn't end by then. Haha..

What runs in their mind?

I wrote this post in my previous blog on November 24th, 2010 at 11.47pm. As I was reading my old posts, I felt this one is worth a re-post. Sometimes, we take things for granted - we often forget that what goes round, comes around too. One of the invaluable experiences I gained while I was staying at the hospital caring for my husband for one and half years was the value of human interactions and emotions. Death was an everyday event. Pain was a common sight. Suffering was the norm. I suddenly recalled about an old man that I met while at the hospital and I remembered I wrote about him.

It's important to know that, you don't have to wait for someone to become bedridden in order to care for them. :) Start with the one you love.

---

Next to me is a 75-year-old man, bed-ridden because his left leg went through a surgery which required him to be tied to some metal rings. The most he can do is to pull himself up to a sitting position with some help from the metal bars next to his bed.

His children admitted him at the hospital with a maid whom I assume is responsible to be his caregiver. She is supposed to bathe him, feed him, ensure he takes his medicine on time, change his diapers and empty his urinal bottle. Also, I assume she is being paid to attend to his every need (medically) at any time of the day. At least, this is what I understand from the old man.

But what happened? The maid, despite being paid to do what she is supposed to do, wasn't doing her job very well. She scolds the old man, she does her work halfheartedly. As I'm typing this, she was asleep when the old man kept calling her name to help him change diapers. And she shouted at him for disturbing her. 

Being bed-ridden is often not by choice. These people, as much as they hated, really do not wish to depend on others for help especially when they are used to do things on their own - like going to the loo. They don't want to wake another person up in the middle of the night just to ask for urinal or a change of diapers. They don't want to wait for someone to feed them and watch the food turn cold right in front of their eyes, with intense hunger pain, and do nothing about it. They really don't want. 

But they have no choice. I wish more caregiver could understand this. Though nurses are trained to be patient and careful with their bedridden patients, not all of them are. When my husband was in HDA, there was one particular nurse who would scold him with words that hurt even a normal healthy person. And the worst part was, my husband had a hole in his throat which made him bedridden and also voiceless. He could not even tell me how he was being treated. But at the same ward, there was another nurse who did everything she could to keep my husband comfortable and well-taken care of. 

If you are caring for a bedridden patient, then please tell yourself this - the person you are caring for doesn't want to trouble you or anyone else. They hated calling you for help as much as you hated being called for a billion times in a day. But they had no choice. And they are grateful for every little you give to them. These patients are humans too - they have the same amount of emotion and turbulence in their mind as much as you do. Do respect them. 

It really saddens me to see bedridden patients who are being treated in inhuman ways. More often they wish to die not because they are sick and bedridden, but it's because they had to depend on someone who don't wish to help them.

Worth the wait!

Coming soon! *all smiles now*

The Due Date

As I stepped into 2011, my heart was filled with hope. My brain was filled with wisdom. My life was filled with revelations.

I had planned so many things for this year, but as I go through each and every one of it, I feel nothing but sad. Disappointed in fact. Deeply depressed.

Alright, I was exaggerating :P

But that does not mean the feeling that 'I have not achieved anything big this year" is not there. As the time to draw curtain for this year gets closer, the feeling gets even more intense. 

I have not achieved anything big, but I certainly have lost something huge. Somehow, it's like drowning in a deep, choppy sea but miraculously being saved by someone who still wants you to be around. Grief after the death of a loved one is probably the hardest feeling one has to overcome and I am definitely lucky that I made through the hardest part. Well that's what I thought!

Fate has a funny way of meddling with my life. Trouble seems to find me somehow, no matter what I do to avoid being sucked into the poison well. Ah yes, twists and turns are part of anyone's life and so far I have been through the worst, so let's see what else could possibly be harder! :))