Being blank

It finally comes down to this. I don't know whether it's the hormones or it's really me just going through a phase of my life. I'm probably just tired.

Past few days I feel very exhausted. Mentally and physically. I often sit and stare at the sky or even empty walls with nothing, literally, in my mind. I just feel blank and lost. Too much of things? Stressed? Worried?

I just don't know what to pin point. But sleep has been of help although I'm not getting much of it these days thanks to my growing belly and the heavy baby.

Even now I'm supposed to be working. I have so many things to complete before my break starts. And yet here I am, at the café blogging about my troubled mind. I thought ice cream would help but the money I spent buying one just now went down the drain because it certainly didn't help.

Everyday this few days I've been looking forward to finish work, get back home shower and sleep. Even dinner is not something I want. I eat just for the sake of the baby.

I certainly don't know what is causing this but I'm hoping it'll just pass... like how everything else did.

Incubating Life - The Journey

It took me couple of months to convince myself that I am going to be a mother. Every time I met my obstetrician for the check up in the first few months, I needed the ultrasound images AND the video of my growing baby to tell me, yes, this is real!

Now that the little life inside me started kicking, the feeling of belonging somewhere, being important to someone gets more and more intense daily. Sometimes at night, I just lie down and watch my belly jump here and there. :)

My baby has already taught me how to eat well. Well, I have to anyway, with my doctor on my tail making sure I am not taking unhealthy calories and my meals daily are always nutrious in some way. I get to cheat once a week (eating what I crave) but most of the time, I keep to my diet. After all, I am expecting a big baby (both my husband and I were huge baby), but I don't want the little one to be bigger than he or she should.

Yes, I still don't know the gender. My baby has decided to give us a surprise and we're all in for it. Although, we are determined to find out at every follow up :P

I am getting my pre-natal check ups done at Hospital Pantai Kuala Lumpur, under the care of Dr Premitha. So far, she has been great. I'm just glad we did manage to get an appointment with her. Thanks to her too, I did not balloon up as everyone thought I would. She is just very particular with diet and unnecessary weight gain.

My husband and I have started attending the antenatal class at the hospital. The classes just assured us that we have picked the right hospital for our first (albeit the price tag). Being a baby-friendly hospital, Pantai KL encourages breastfeeding, ensures new parents are well-informed of all things related to baby care and provides the facilities to encourage bonding between the father and baby - which is what I liked most.

My husband has also enrolled me in a pre-natal yoga class with Malaysian Yoga Society which I started yesterday. The classes are on weekends, and runs for about an hour. The instructor has been quite gentle and supporting. We started off with stretching, breathing and relaxation exercise. The stretching exercise definitely did wonders to my aching back!

It has been some incredible (and expensive) journey so far. My husband has been giving the best of care and support from the start (he also rubs my tummy daily with body butter just so that I don't suffer from stretch marks). We just can't wait to see the face of our little one. The doctor tried the 4D scan in our last check up, but the cheeky one kept covering the face with the little hands. :)

 

The Missing piece

There is always some form of incompleteness in my life these days. I know a very important piece is missing. I also know what it is.

The only thing that is making me sad right now is the fact that I could do nothing about it. Right now, at least. 

Probably I should start keeping fish again. They used to keep me company.

And never complained.

A lost home

I've been wanting to write about this a long time.

Today, after almost 3 years being "homeless", I finally got myself a temporary wardrobe. It's nothing too spectacular, just a self-assembled wardrobe with non-woven cover. 

And I used to have a home with built-in wardrobe large enough for all my things. 

I get really sad when I think about this. I built a home, a nice one, I got everything I needed, it was a complete home and I thought I have settled down. Little did I know, that was not the case. I had to move back with my parents despite still having a house on my own. I had to move all my things back to my parents temporary home and put up in a 100 square feet area - my current room. I had to "borrow" my mom's wardrobe to keep part of my clothes. And often it is also had to be shared with my younger sister - which leads to another dilemma - our clothes are getting mixed up.

At my age, I am yearning for independence and my own space. It would not have made a difference if I have been this way all the time. But I was not. I had my own space. My own place to keep things. My own kitchen. My own TV. My own life.

People around me are treating me as if my life just ended - and that I have no future. I don't know how long would it take for these same people to realize that what I have lost is love - not my self or my mind. I still have every bit of myself with me and my sanity is still in check. I still have a life to live and move on until it is my time to greet Sathyan on the other side. Until then, my life is running - nothing else has stopped. 

But then, the "community talk" kicks in and starts another whirlpool of problems. There seems to be something utterly wrong for a single woman to stay on her own and be by herself. Every single man she befriends after a certain age or time is being evaluated. Someone always wants to take control of her :) Pointing what is right or wrong by their own definition and expects the woman to obey it. And it often comes from a person who doesn't have control over his/her life. 

Yes there are immature single women out there, but anyone who knows me well would be intelligent enough to know I am not one of them, and would be smart enough to fend of any "talks" saying I don't know what I am doing. I am a person with my own principles and I know what I want in my life. If I make a mistake - it's a lesson learned for me and I take responsibility for it. I don't remember blaming anyone for things that do go wrong in my life. More often, good or bad - I get with it, instead of blaming every single living soul around me for every single thing that goes wrong. 

Going back to my wardrobe - it does minimize the already minimum space I have been allocated with. But, I have no choice - I need it and this should do. For now. 

At least until someone decides to adopt me, and give me a new a home. :) I do sound like a puppy abandoned on the streets, don't I?

Sometimes, that's how I feel.

The Hot Ticket

It has been quite some time since I've gotten myself a new pair of shoes. The last pair I bought was in 2008 - a pair of Hush Puppies which Sathyan got for me after much persuasion (he was persuading me to buy one, not the other way round!). 

The shoe served well for 4 years! That's what you get when you pay a premium price for something that is really good - it lasts for as long as it could. In fact, the shoe is still in good condition - except for the sole, which is worn out due to daily use. Yes, I used it every single day for 4 years.

I have been scouting for a good pair to replace my worn out HP shoes but it appears to me, Hush Puppies are going backwards in style - their latest collection is called HP1958 and God-knows why anyone born in the 80s would even think of buying one. The designs doesn't appeal to me anymore. So, time to move on then.

I did most of my search online, as I didn't really have the time to look for the shoes in the malls. I dropped by Adidas, Puma and Nike - found one or two that looked appealing... but wasn't calling out... come buy me...

In the end I found what I wanted at Skechers! These are called Biker shoes (because it is laced up already). When I was trying to put it on, it was difficult at first, but the moment my feet got in, the shoe snugged it and it felt really comfortable. That alone screamed, "Buy me!!" :)

I feel the design is just so very cool. I have not taken this out yet - planning to tomorrow, and let's see how well it stands up to my torture. It really is a great shoe and it works well for casual everyday use, running errands or even light workouts at the gym (I consider my workouts at the gym as light).

By the way, the shoe is called Hot Ticket. I didn't invent the title up :P 

Also, thank you to the wonderful soul who actually paid for this shoe! Yes, my pocket didn't get hurt this time as well :) Hehe...

Inspiration

When you are walking in a dark place, where there is nothing you can see or have a clue where you're heading to - a torch light would help, wouldn't it?

I call that inspiration. 

A source of light that provides you a sense of direction. It may or may not point you towards the right path, because where you are heading lies within the decisions you make. But the torch light lets you see clearly where you're going. And it will stay with you - it wouldn't decide to suddenly stop working just because you took a path the torch light did not like. Would it? :)

A year back, everything was bleak for me. I was so sure I wouldn't make it through the next one year alive. I am not weak - I just didn't see the purpose why I should even be alive. When life goes out of plan, most of us surrender. When you're older, it gets much tougher to change things around you and start over - most things are almost settled down and in my case, I've settled down at a much younger age. It was difficult and no one really understood the struggle I was against at. 

"The hardest part of the ending, is starting again." - Waiting for the End, Linkin Park.

I was walking in the dark with no sense of belonging and purpose. From the outside I knew I looked fine. For everyone. But from the inside, I knew that wasn't the case. The worst part? I didn't even know my problem was the loss of purpose in my life until my friend came along and pointed to me - find yourself back. She was right, I had to find myself back but how?

I needed inspiration and encouragement, and a jolt of motivation. With my best friend's help, I saw a light pointing me to a direction, picked up pace and built my confidence. But to move on further in life, you need more than that. I needed more than that. 

There has to be a solid pillar, that I can hold on to and feel safe. And at times, it turns into a torch light that stays with me showing me the way when I needed it.

I am lucky to have found my torch light.

The week kicks off...

... with me falling sick.

I hate it when my body refuses to follow my commands and insists I should follow its own demands instead. What is it demanding now?

Sleep.

Lots and lots of it.

Covered with a nice thick comforter. It's just so freaking cold. Sheesh.

And the search ended

In 2004, when I bought Buster I announced it to the whole world through this blog. At that time, I was determined to get a new car by the time I'm done with the loan service. My target was 7 years. It got delayed by 1 year for obvious reasons...

I did not test drive Buster and neither did I know how much I would be spending for its maintenance and fuel. I sat down in the show unit model and felt, ok, I fit. I wanted blue and everyone else told me to get silver. I wanted my own number, and everyone else told me I don't need one. So, I paid my booking fee, placed the down payment and took Buster back home.

It served me well for eight years. And still does... :)

What I really wanted in a car was the joy of driving it. I spend a lot of time travelling and all unnecessary gadgets or accessories becomes secondary. What I wanted was a car that is a sheer pleasure to drive. Sure enough cars these days comes with attractive gadgets that may give it some edge from one model to another. When I bought Buster, it came with ionizer and a built in cable to charge the then-popular Nokia monochrome phones. Within a year, I realized I have no use for it - but it was indeed an attractive accessory to have as there are cars without it. It was something that I don't need, but paid to have it included.

And that taught me a lesson - why pay for something that you don't need? So when I started looking for a car recently, I kept this in my mind. Get a car that will make you happy every time you touch it. And I found that happiness in my Buster 2.0! :)

After almost a month of waiting, my second car arrived two weeks ago - from Japan.

This time, I got the car that I wanted to buy ever since I was a kid. I would consider this as fulfilling my childhood dream and ambition. Got the car I wanted, the color I wanted and even the number I wanted. Each time I step into my Buster 2.0, I feel a jolt of happiness that runs through my spine and strikes right across my heart and soul. That's how it feels when I sit behind the wheels. :)

Top 5 Applications on my Android

I have a total of four (yes, four) Android devices out of which three are in constant daily use. 

I have two mobile Androids running Gingerbread and Ice Cream, and one tablet running Ice Cream. One more mobile runs Froyo. So here's a list of top 5 application that is a must in all my devices (and these are FREE!).

Feedly

This is my favorite application of all. A news reader with a simple interface and so easy to use. The best part is, it integrates nicely with my Google Reader account. On my tablet, this applications turns my news feed into a magazine-like browsing experience. Highly recommended if you have plenty of reading materials that you follow online.

Million Moments

I had to admit Android's version of Gallery, although not the worse, but isn't the best either. And that is why I love Million Moments - it's yet another application for photos but with ease of use and has a wonderful layout! I just need to create some labels (for example, "food") and every time I take a picture of food (more often I do), I just have to tag the picture with the labels. What the application does, it turns the labels into wonderful "photobook" like gallery.

Any.DO
Having too many things to track is no longer a hassle with Any.DO for me. I add list of things I have to do in this simple little app and it keeps track everything for me, and reminds me when I do forget. I can strike out things I've completely and a shake clears everything done from the screen! The interface is simple, easy and clean. New version includes sync-ing with your Google Tasks. My favorite feature is the phone reminder (keeps track of missed calls and reminds me when I have to return a call).

Dolphin Browser HD
Chrome is one of my favorite software on my PC, but on my Androids Dolphin takes the reign being the best browser for awesome functionality and ease of use (easy for me that is, but it could still be intimidating for those who even think IE is daunting). It's just a browser, but there are so very little browsers out there that works properly on Android platform, so this one takes home my vote for being the best one (crashes less).

StumbleUpon
Given an option, I would want this application to be my #1 favorite app in Google Play. Unfortunately, this is also the most unstable application out there, but then again, I can't live without it. StumbleUpon is something that was discovered by Sathyan on its early days and he always shares a lot of interesting "stumbles" that he stumbles upon. It's one of the apps that I'd recommend to people who messages me, "I'm bored". So, if you're always boring bored and had to do something with your hands in a good way, have this installed, choose your interests and have fun exploring what's out there in the world wide web! :)

So there you have it, now you know what Leena uses on her mobile devices all the time. It is interesting to note that there are people who are keen to find out what application I have installed on my Androids. Of course these are not the only ones I have. Probably when I have more time at hand, I'll try to come up with Top 5 Android games installed on my Androids. 

Every sunset, has a sunrise

There is one thing I learned -

The world doesn't stop moving just because your world stopped one fine day.

People carry on doing what they do. Yes, they get sad and all depressed looking at you going through a hard time, but really, no one bothers anything else after that. They probably get worried once a while thinking what you'd be up to and doing, but then again really, no one is really bothered.

Losing a love is almost like seeing the world come to a standstill. Time just stops - for you only by the way. The rest around you stop momentarily and look at you and will be kind enough to make the time move a little. But after some time, they too have a life to take care of. That is when you must know, it's time for you to move on. The world doesn't stop, just because yours did.

Pull yourself out of it, or risk being sucked into a timeless depression that brings you no where. I am glad though, that it didn't take long for me to get myself back on track. Looking back at the past year, I am happy  I took several decisions that made my life much more meaningful. I am glad, I did not waste my time by being sad and worried of what people might say.

Of course, there will be those who would say things one way or another. It goes back to yourself which ones you would want to listen and let steep in your heart and mind. Someone who reads my blog regularly sent me an email, suggesting that I should I watch the movie P.S I love you. For a person who had nothing to lose, buying a DVD to watch a recommended movie is not much of an hassle. And so I did.

That movie made me realize it is OK to be happy. It is OK to go for a vacation. It is OK to laugh and do things you love. It is OK to fall in love again. 

The movie also made me realize, that you can get really sad when you find out people around you are actually doing something with their lives while you drag yourself into endless list of whys. Because, like I said, no one is really bothered about anything. No one wants to stick around a cry baby for eternity. Complaining and analyzing why some bad things happen to you is not going to bring any good.

So here I am, being glad for how things turned out. :)

Just a piece of my mind.

It's a weird, weird world I must say.

A single event can cause all right things to appear wrong, and all wrong things appear right. I am just surprised at the amount of assumption one makes with just a slight piece of information or news that is neither true nor proved. That's probably because, most of us only choose to hear what we want and make up the rest of the story as how we wish it is - even if in reality that is not true. Why? Because we feel we are the right ones.

I once had a discussion with a friend of mine many years ago on what is right and what is wrong. Interestingly, that discussion opened up my mind to a new way of thinking - what is right for you maybe wrong for someone else and vice-versa. It's a simple logic, and yet many refuse to give to the fact they can be at times may have a point that is, well, right in their own beliefs.

Recently, there has been some instances someone thinks they know my late husband better than I do. I can only laugh at this. Who else is in a better position to know about Sathyan than me, the one he loved dearly till the last of his breath? Just hope some things would make sense to people outside of my marriage that no one is in better position to know or understand the way my Sathyan thinks and does certain things. If there is one person who knows what are his last wishes - that person is me, and only me.

When I took his hand in marriage, I promised to stand by him through good and bad times. In which, as his wife, I did. I also feel if there is anyone who wishes to question my sincerity and loyalty towards my late husband, the only person fully qualified to do so is Sathyan himself, and no one else. I had a blissful marriage with Sathyan and I am ever so grateful for having had the opportunity to live the kind of life some can only dream of. Not everyone gets a perfect husband, you see.

The best thing that you could do or give someone you love is your time. When Sathyan was around, I did exactly that. I dedicated every minute of the day to be with him, and take care of him. I have the full satisfaction that I did everything there is to give him a good life while he was alive and married to me. That is probably why, I was better prepared to accept his death because I knew it was imminent. The fact that I was able to cope with his loss in bravely manner is partly due to the intense level of emotional turbulence that I had to endure from the day one he was diagnosed. And secondly, I had great friends who helped me see the light and live a life, instead of knocking my head down expecting me to grieve for as long as there is eternity.

I have been through a situation that required me to make decisions in life and death situations, in which I saved my husband from the brink of death four times. Even in his last moments, I was fighting my way through. People labelled me as selfish because I wanted my husband to live despite knowing the fact that he was suffering. What these people don't know is that, he wanted to live. I still remember the day we came back home from the hospital after finding out the remission ended. Sathyan lay down on my lap and cried hugging me. He begged me to save him, and he wanted to live a long life with me. His hazelnut eyes were full of hope. And for that reason alone, I never gave up. For this, I was labelled selfish. 

When I started moving on with my life and find ways to keep myself occupied, a lot of people wondered how I could get back on my feet and start being happy despite the loss. For this I only have one answer:

Only those who feel guilty of not being able to fulfill a dying man's last wishes or be with him during his last moments would grieve for a longer period of time. I never had such guilty feelings because I loved my husband sincerely with all my heart, took care of him with all my might and gave him the best of everything with all I could. 

Anyone who truly knew Sathyan personally would know that the one and only thing he ever wants, is for me to be safe and happy. 

"Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than to remember me and cry."

Lifetime companion

People may know me as someone who is constantly engaged in technology. I am simply surrounded by gadgets and a whole load of technologies that make these gadgets work in an interconnected way. That's how people perceive I am.

Well, true to a certain extent.

What most people do not know is my appreciation for things that bring me out of from my tech world. I appreciate every little thing there is. Whenever I get the chance to disconnect from my wonderful world of gadgets, I do so oh-so-willingly! The work I do, the knowledge I strive to earn and the skills I try to develop often leads me to my own solo-world - it keeps me away from things that I enjoy - a good walk outdoors after a heavy rain, watching sunset with nothing running in my mind, watch the birds fly, read a good book with a cup of coffee next to me, waking up late hugging someone that I love very much, walk to no where with a good companion. 

These are simple things but they mean a lot to me.

That is why when I got a pen as a gift recently, I was overjoyed. Never has anyone thought of buying me a pen as a gift - never! :) It is such a personal gift that I honestly feel only someone who knows me deep within my soul would be moved to actually go through the hassle of getting a fine writing instrument for me. Like I said, most people would not even had a blip second thought that I would appreciate a good quality pen - something that I can treasure for years to come.

But then, someone finally did! :) It even came with my name on it!

Watching from above

It came to a point last night, that I realized, there is no one quite like him. Anyone can come close, but not quite.

Last night, I cried sitting down on my couch looking at a picture that I took. A beautiful picture that showed how close my nephews has been with him. How much they loved him. And I know I cried so much, because everything seems unfair. Wonderfully talented people perishing from the world, while miserably good-for-nothing ones are still being given the chance to live on and create more havoc.

Lately, I've been missing Sathyan a lot. I could not explain why, but I certainly do. He is just simply one of a kind. He is the kind of husband every girl dreams of, and I was that lucky girl who got him out of the blue. He always tells me I am a God-sent angel. Now, I simply feel it is just the other way round. He was just the kind of person who never really waited for me to tell anything - he just knew what I wanted.

I have been trying to understand this vast emptiness that often wraps my heart from time to time. I struggle to find ways to get rid of this feeling, but nothing worked so far.

Hopefully, I'll find a solution soon.

Mission Statement

During one of my training sessions few months back, I wrote a mission statement for my life. A Life's mission statement is something that you hold on close to your heart and acts as a guiding point for you to be or to have what you want in your life. As I step into a new year full of anticipation (yet again), I've decided to share my life's mission, which will be my overall purpose of living. It's a living thing so I may occasionally update this post from time to time.

I want to turn my life into a book-worthy  experience. Hope is a good thing, but for me hope is hopeless. I will not sit and hope things to happen. I will act on it and I will be persistent in whatever I do. Life is for living, and I will not waste it by being sad or worrying. 

I want to take time to see the little things in life like how beautiful the world is after the rain, or how magical a rainbow is, or how loving my family is. I want to go beyond the borders that bound and explore the world - I want to see what else God has created in this wonderful place. 

No one gets a second shot at life, but if it does happen - grab it. My life is in my hands. I just want to live and I'm giving it a second shot! :)

Countdown to 2012

My final resolution for 2011 - to get Buster fixed!

And mission accomplished! Victory never felt so good! :)

Comes with a hefty damage to my purse though - but it's all worth it. I spent last week getting the engine fixed. Today, I spent the entire day getting the tyre, headlamps and number plate fixed. Came back home and gave Buster a good wash. Tiring day but it was well worth the effort.

Let's review 2011

Exactly a year ago, I wrote five things that I wanted to achieve by the end of 2011. So I'll start with these five things first:

1) One photo, one day - Also known as 365 project.
Status: Failed.

2) One book, one month.
Status: Neutral. I did buy lots of books, but never really followed monthly reading habit.

3) One stuff, one year.
Status: Failed.

4) One skill, one year.

Status: Failed.

5) One country, one year

Status: Failed.

So I guess, nothing much huh? Alright, I'll figure out something soon :)

What was 2011 for me?

It was a challenging year. I literally lived through a nightmare when Sathyan was admitted in the GICU due to severe blood infection after a round of final chemo dose prior to his bone marrow transplant - his second admission! I fought my way through to save him again - generally no one gets a second admission in GICU, but Sathyan did, because I fought a good fight for him. I knew, if someone has to do it, it has to be me - his wife. The doctors were so sure he will not make it, and gave me the probability of him surviving to 0%. Yes, zero chance. I rebutted, "Trust me, and he'll make it. Just give him two days."

He did. Such strong determination he had.

And he lived a good happy life for full 5 months. I got back to my work when he was out of the hospital and I started picking up traces of my career that I left behind for more than a year. It was challenging - juggling work and love. But, I was glad I had all the support I needed from my parents, sisters and my best friends. The biggest blow came to me when Sathyan breathed his last in my arms. The vision is so vivid - my mind and heart went numb. And it stayed that way for another two weeks. But then, Sathyan left me in good hands :)

My friends helped to pull me out from a severe depression state - I was shown the direction. I started picking up pieces of my broken life and started building a new one from where I left. It was probably the biggest and most challenging experience ever. I once read somewhere, that you'll never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have. Very true. I learned that I have a strange power within that made me recover so soon. Thanks to Puspa, my best friend, I discovered that power. :)

I learned that life is really precious. I used to thank God everyday when I wake up that I still have my Sathyan next to me. When he was taken away, I was angry at first, but then I learned that I was probably the luckiest girl alive today :) I married a perfect man! A perfect husband! Impossible? Well, then you've never met my Sathyan. I thanked God everyday for giving me a perfect man and a perfect marriage - it was good while it lasted. 

Life goes on. By the time I managed to pull myself together and put my life back on the right track, it was already approaching the dawn of 2012! I know Sathyan has guided me all the way through. I live life to the fullest now - I do things that my heart says right and keep my sanity in check all the time. Well, at least I try to.

Some good things are appearing to me finally, but I know I would have to wade another huge wave before I can get what I wanted. 2012 looks promising though, and I hope by this time next year I would be sitting down to write how wonderful the year have been in 2012. =)

That too if the world doesn't end by then. Haha..

Remembering Sathyan

I often find it hard to explain the kind of relationship Sathyan and I shared. Simple words just doesn't do the justice. And then came this song. Which explained oh-so-perfectly the depth of our beautiful relationship. When I listened and tried to absorb the meaning of each line, only one person comes to my mind - Sathyan :)

Last night, he came to visit me :) Sigh... such a wonderful husband - he knows exactly when I needed him.

This song is my perfect dedication to my love. In a week's time, it's his 33rd birthday and our 4th year wedding anniversary. Happy Birthday Pa and Happy Anniversary :)

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

இருளில் கண்ணீரும் எதற்கு..
மடியில் கண்மூட வா..
அழகே இந்த சோகம் எதற்கு..
நான் உன் தாயும் அல்லவா..

உனக்கென மட்டும் வாழும் இதயமடி
உயிர் உள்ள வரை நான் உன் அடிமையடி

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

அழுதால் உன் பார்வையும்
அயந்தால் உன் கால்களும்
அதிகாலையில் கூடலில் சோகம் தீர்க்கும் போதுமா
நிழல் தேடிடும் ஆண்மையும்
நிஜம் தேடிடும் பெண்மையும்
ஒரு போர்வையில் வாழும் இன்பம்
தெய்வம் தந்த சொந்தமா
என் ஆழுள் ரேகை நீயடி என் ஆணி வேரடி
சுமை தாங்கும் எந்தன் கண்மணி
எனை சுடும் பணி..

உனக்கென மட்டும் வாழும் இதயமடி
உயிர் உள்ள வரை நான் உன் அடிமையடி

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா..

விழியின் அந்த தேடலும்
அலையும் உந்தன் நெஞ்சமும்
புரிந்தாலே போதுமே ஏழு ஜென்மம் தாங்குவேன்
அனல் மேலே வாழ்கிறாய்
நதி போலே பாய்கிறாய்
ஒரு காரணம் இல்லையே மீசை வைத்த பிள்ளையே
இதை காதல் என்று சொல்வதா?
நிழல் காய்ந்து கொள்வதா
தினம் கொள்ளும் இந்த பூமியில்,
நீ வரும் வரும் இடம்..

On Thoughtfulness

Sometimes, among the many things you get on your birthday, a wish that comes from the heart is probably the best gift ever. :) Sharing three of the best I received.

A rose without thorns..

...  is like love without heartbreak - it doesn't make sense. 

And so what am I without the dearest of my dear friends? (I would probably make more sense, maybe?) :)

My birthday cake this year from the devils! :)

Prior to my birthday (which happened to be yesterday), I wasn't really looking forward of celebrating it. It's just never the same without Sathyan - the master of surprise planner in our group. Every year he will organize massive dinner plans, inviting every single person near and dear to me - to shower me with love and smother my face with cake! Even when it is his birthday, I'll get the cake all over my face - somehow! Every restaurant that we go to will definitely end up in disaster. 

Cakes everywhere except on our plates and stomach.

I still remember the time he made me stand on a chair, sing a song at a pepper mill and blow my birthday candles almost two feet away while still standing on a chair at a restaurant! Oh, not to forget the time he tried his best to cook something up for me on my birthday and the best he came up with was egg and cheese sandwich - which still had egg shells in it. It was really cute! The look on his face when I pulled out the egg shell, was priceless. I still ate it :)

I celebrated my last birthday with him last year - at that time I didn't know it will be our last celebration together. Yes, even at the hospital the cake got on my face as well...

I'm forever grateful for the wonderful girls who has always been with me and made my life and day much brighter yesterday. I thought I would be sitting in a corner of my room, keeping to myself and cry from the break of dawn till the wee hours of midnight. But that wasn't the case. And I am also so very deeply grateful they did not waste the Baskin Robbins cake on my face or the floor! It would have killed me instantly to see an ice cream cake die tragically outside my mouth!

So here's a BIG thank you to everyone who made it a wonderful day. I know Sathyan is smiling - he left me in good hands. :) But sorry girls, I still cannot promise a place in heaven for all of you though (I know my place is already reserved :P).

We had lunch at Golden Triangle - Sathyan's favorite restaurant. I could just feel him all around me yesterday :) My favorite was the prawn of course. Here's a picture of the big juicy prawns we had (I finished most of it anyway).

Yes, that wasn't the kind of treat Sathyan would give, was it? I know, I know... So, I will plan for a better one. He's going to be so proud of me. ;)

Pictures taken using SGS2.

Sometimes I wish, some things last...

Sathyan's last birthday wish - for me.