A letter

I remember the time when you had to go to US and leave me here, alone, for two weeks. It felt terrible.

Sending you off at the airport, I held on to you so tight. Our friends left us to give us some time alone. And I remember I cried. I just don't know how I could be away from you for so long. And I knew, you felt the same too. I remember you were wearing the shirt I bought you. You loved that shirt, so much.

The moment you walked away, I was already missing you. And I stood there, for a good 5 minutes.

I stayed awake almost 24 hours, just wanting to make sure you arrived safely. You called me along the way, emailed me, and kept me updated during your stops. For the first time, I had to wake up not having you beside me. I had to eat alone, go to work alone. It was really awful.

I'd stay awake every night, just to chat with you. Each time you appeared on the video call, I would cry. I knew you'll be back soon. I remember you were telling it was really cold and the sound of the train passing by shocked you on your first day there. You had your lunch at Hard Rock cafe and sent me a picture. My favorite picture of all time.

As days passed, I realized how much you have impacted my life that it felt lifeless without you. There were times I would be too tired to stay awake. When that happens, you often watch me fall asleep in front you. I was counting the days to be with you again. At that time, I knew you'd be back. The date and the time - it was recorded in my brain.

One day, as I opened my email, you sent me a link for a song clip. Today, when I listened to that song, it reminded me of the torture you and I went through for that brief 2 weeks. Yes, it felt like years at that time, but now I can see it was a brief 14 days. I remember the day you returned, and my whole world became colorful again. I remember hugging you so tight not wanting to let you go. And I remember you cried. You just couldn't wait to get back home, to show me all the things you bought for me. And all the pictures you took.

And now, you're gone again. But this time, you have decided not to keep me updated on your trip. And I don't even know where you are now. You never told when you will be back. There is no way I could see your face again. Cancer may have killed you. 

Loneliness is killing me.

Happy New Year!!

There's a place that I go, that nobody knows
Where the rivers flow, and I call it home
And there's no more lies, and the darkness is light
And nobody cries, there's only butterflies

Take me away
A secret place
A sweet escape
Take me away
Take me away
To better days
Take me away
A hiding place

The sun is on my side
It takes me for a ride
I smile up to the sky
I know I'll be all right :)

Remembering Sathyan

I often find it hard to explain the kind of relationship Sathyan and I shared. Simple words just doesn't do the justice. And then came this song. Which explained oh-so-perfectly the depth of our beautiful relationship. When I listened and tried to absorb the meaning of each line, only one person comes to my mind - Sathyan :)

Last night, he came to visit me :) Sigh... such a wonderful husband - he knows exactly when I needed him.

This song is my perfect dedication to my love. In a week's time, it's his 33rd birthday and our 4th year wedding anniversary. Happy Birthday Pa and Happy Anniversary :)

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

இருளில் கண்ணீரும் எதற்கு..
மடியில் கண்மூட வா..
அழகே இந்த சோகம் எதற்கு..
நான் உன் தாயும் அல்லவா..

உனக்கென மட்டும் வாழும் இதயமடி
உயிர் உள்ள வரை நான் உன் அடிமையடி

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

அழுதால் உன் பார்வையும்
அயந்தால் உன் கால்களும்
அதிகாலையில் கூடலில் சோகம் தீர்க்கும் போதுமா
நிழல் தேடிடும் ஆண்மையும்
நிஜம் தேடிடும் பெண்மையும்
ஒரு போர்வையில் வாழும் இன்பம்
தெய்வம் தந்த சொந்தமா
என் ஆழுள் ரேகை நீயடி என் ஆணி வேரடி
சுமை தாங்கும் எந்தன் கண்மணி
எனை சுடும் பணி..

உனக்கென மட்டும் வாழும் இதயமடி
உயிர் உள்ள வரை நான் உன் அடிமையடி

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா..

விழியின் அந்த தேடலும்
அலையும் உந்தன் நெஞ்சமும்
புரிந்தாலே போதுமே ஏழு ஜென்மம் தாங்குவேன்
அனல் மேலே வாழ்கிறாய்
நதி போலே பாய்கிறாய்
ஒரு காரணம் இல்லையே மீசை வைத்த பிள்ளையே
இதை காதல் என்று சொல்வதா?
நிழல் காய்ந்து கொள்வதா
தினம் கொள்ளும் இந்த பூமியில்,
நீ வரும் வரும் இடம்..

Mayakkam Enna? (Why Dizzy?)

So aptly titled. Well you will go dizzy for sure after watching this movie. It is so full of twists!

[SPOILER ALERT!] :)

First of all, let me warn you - what follows next may contain spoiler bits, so if you're planning to catch this movie this weekend, stop reading and go do something else. And come back some other day when you think you've finally finished watching the movie. There you go spoiler #1 - it really is a movie that felt it took days for me to finish watching. Of course it was for only three hours. It just felt that long - days long. So long that at one point I thought the movie ended - but it was just the intermission. Even Lord Of the Rings didn't feel this long!

Ok, moving on to why I decided to watch the movie. I am such a choosy person when it comes to movie. When I spend money for entertainment, it has to be worth it - worth my money and my time. So there must be some form of ROI involved. This movie is about an aspiring photographer, how he met his wife and how the two of them - as husband and wife - stood through the test of time.

What I liked about this movie is the visuals. It's exactly like viewing from the camera's viewfinder. For me, the world looks surprisingly different from a camera's viewfinder, so this movie can definitely show you how that world looks like :)

Secondly, the movie somehow reminds me of my relationship with Sathyan. :) Of course, minus the physical abuse and drinking habits and the violence and verbal abuse. There you go, spoiler alert #2. There is this one song in the movie that shows what kind of things a photographer's wife would do (or rather had to do) and I just couldn't stop smiling.

Also, the movie portrayed how crazy we photographers are! Yes, you want to know how crazy we can get? Watch this movie and find out. The first part of the movie was really entertaining - very funny! Especially the first song - voda voda voda :)

Alright, moving to what I didn't find quite amusing - the second part of the movie is quite eerie. Suddenly it turned to something sad and scary. And a lot of things started not to make sense. I felt the director was trying to imply that even if your husband abuses - physically or emotionally - you still have to be this good wife who had to endure everything and stay in marriage. I'm totally against this - I don't think anyone should withstand abuse in any form. The movie went on to show that if you stay long enough good thing will happen. 

Yes, in the movie world, not in mortal world like ours. People will never change, they are what they are and that's how it is. Suck it up and deal with it rationally. If you have always been afraid of cockroaches, you will always be afraid of cockroaches. Do you think one day you will wake up and find out suddenly you are no longer scared of those damn, good-for-nothing God's creation? I'm sure you will not. Well, I won't for sure. So there, spoiler #3 - Leena hates cockroaches. :)

Overall, the ending was heartwarming. My advice is, if you plan to catch this movie (in case you're still reading despite the warnings), do it at the cinema. The reason is simple - you will never watch it in full from a DVD - you'd be too tempted to fast forward. Haha :)

Next on my list, Nanban! :)

Iridescent

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

- Linkin Park

Today My Life Begins