On Diwali

Days like today remind me a lot about Sathyan. I tried, but I couldn't. I just miss him.

I have never really celebrated Diwali - it has always been about business, nothing much of a family affair. My friends used to visit me on this day - that was eons ago, while I was still in primary school to be exact. And I have stopped asking them to come. Before Sathyan, Diwali was just like any other day for me.

I remember working on Diwali just because I wanted to - I had nothing better to do and I can make use of that extra money. Also, most of the time I spend it alone, except for one year when I spent it with Vino's family. 

When I got married to Sathyan, that was my first taste of what it feels to celebrate Diwali. We put in a lot of effort to get our house ready for the festival. I actually had new clothes that he bought for me. And I actually went to temple on Diwali day for the first time in my life. It felt good - I finally had a family that I can celebrate the day with. Sathyan used to buy a lot of firecrackers so that we can play with our nephews. Ever since then, I always looked forward for Diwali. He gave me something that I always wanted to have, but never did. The sound of his laughter as he sees me running for cover when the firecrackers explode, still in my ears. It was wonderful.

Losing him, really meant losing everything I had. I guess, no one can really understand the magnitude of my loss. After all, everyone still have their family intact. For me, he was the only family I had.

So on this day, I just miss him a lot.

Oh, by the way... the picture above belongs to me :) Taken in December 2005.