Missing

Everyday there is a sense of not having something. Words taken out of context and you spend the remaining days trying to explain what you don't even have to bother in the first place.

Where has the openness gone? It was there all these years. Where is that now? Why do I have to watch what I say? Why do I need to weigh the right and wrong when expressing my views? Whatever I have done through the thick and thin moments are not enough to explain how honest my heart is in doing something?

So I'm being questioned now. Questioned out of curiosity? Really? Have I appeared that calculating? I don't know. Maybe I have.

It just suppresses me from my already small world to know that I don't have a single person to share my opinions with and they would in turn understand without having to ask me to justify or explain.

On top of being taken for granted now this. There is only so much I could bear inside me and it hurts me so much that I couldn't share it with anyone. I wake up, swallow the pill and move on.

There's no hand to hold or voice to whisper "I'm here for you". I just have to put numb expression and get things going.

Why Birthdays are just hype

Even when I was small, birthdays are often the only day people around me try to be nice to me. Which eventually made me repent the day like a lifetime vegetarian seeing meat for the first time.

It felt unreal. Why is that only on your birthday people make the effort to greet you,  wish you, and be attentive to your needs - if at all people remembers it? Why that one day of the year?

That's probably why I never liked celebrating my birthday. At some point I did like - to be honest. But it became pointless after a certain event in my life. Nevertheless, the day for me has always been nothing special. Just that people who remembers the day will attempt to make it special so that you'll feel it is special day. Most of the time they don't even remember which date it was. 28th? 30th? Wait I'm sure it's 28th! Oh yes, I think so too... If that makes you happy.

So what special thing they do?

Oh well,  people will try to be nice. You might get a gift or two which they happened to buy just an hour before giving it to you, just out of desperation to make your day special. If you're lucky they'll wrap it so that you have the joy of unwrapping something that you don't need. Then what? Let's do something special. Like what? Movie. Yes, people still do think watching movie is special. Grab a coffee while you're at it. Oh why not coke? Yeah, why not, it's cheaper anyway.

My question is why wait for birthday to do something as "special" as watching a movie or drinking coffee? What's wrong doing it on an ordinary non-birthday day? You know why?

Because that would leave birthdays as an ordinary day. :)

That is why I have love-hate relationship with my birthday. The unreal feeling that someone remembers the day you were born thru Facebook birthday reminders and attempts not to hurt you or your feelings on your "special" day. Or at least momentarily forgets your disagreements for 24 hours. The saga shall resume a day after your special day. No hurries. Enjoy your special day.