Let's end 2011

With this quote from the movie Braveheart (courtesy of a kind-hearted soul who trusted me enough to lend the Blu-Ray copy!):

Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Happy 2012! =)

Countdown to 2012

My final resolution for 2011 - to get Buster fixed!

And mission accomplished! Victory never felt so good! :)

Comes with a hefty damage to my purse though - but it's all worth it. I spent last week getting the engine fixed. Today, I spent the entire day getting the tyre, headlamps and number plate fixed. Came back home and gave Buster a good wash. Tiring day but it was well worth the effort.

Let's review 2011

Exactly a year ago, I wrote five things that I wanted to achieve by the end of 2011. So I'll start with these five things first:

1) One photo, one day - Also known as 365 project.
Status: Failed.

2) One book, one month.
Status: Neutral. I did buy lots of books, but never really followed monthly reading habit.

3) One stuff, one year.
Status: Failed.

4) One skill, one year.

Status: Failed.

5) One country, one year

Status: Failed.

So I guess, nothing much huh? Alright, I'll figure out something soon :)

What was 2011 for me?

It was a challenging year. I literally lived through a nightmare when Sathyan was admitted in the GICU due to severe blood infection after a round of final chemo dose prior to his bone marrow transplant - his second admission! I fought my way through to save him again - generally no one gets a second admission in GICU, but Sathyan did, because I fought a good fight for him. I knew, if someone has to do it, it has to be me - his wife. The doctors were so sure he will not make it, and gave me the probability of him surviving to 0%. Yes, zero chance. I rebutted, "Trust me, and he'll make it. Just give him two days."

He did. Such strong determination he had.

And he lived a good happy life for full 5 months. I got back to my work when he was out of the hospital and I started picking up traces of my career that I left behind for more than a year. It was challenging - juggling work and love. But, I was glad I had all the support I needed from my parents, sisters and my best friends. The biggest blow came to me when Sathyan breathed his last in my arms. The vision is so vivid - my mind and heart went numb. And it stayed that way for another two weeks. But then, Sathyan left me in good hands :)

My friends helped to pull me out from a severe depression state - I was shown the direction. I started picking up pieces of my broken life and started building a new one from where I left. It was probably the biggest and most challenging experience ever. I once read somewhere, that you'll never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have. Very true. I learned that I have a strange power within that made me recover so soon. Thanks to Puspa, my best friend, I discovered that power. :)

I learned that life is really precious. I used to thank God everyday when I wake up that I still have my Sathyan next to me. When he was taken away, I was angry at first, but then I learned that I was probably the luckiest girl alive today :) I married a perfect man! A perfect husband! Impossible? Well, then you've never met my Sathyan. I thanked God everyday for giving me a perfect man and a perfect marriage - it was good while it lasted. 

Life goes on. By the time I managed to pull myself together and put my life back on the right track, it was already approaching the dawn of 2012! I know Sathyan has guided me all the way through. I live life to the fullest now - I do things that my heart says right and keep my sanity in check all the time. Well, at least I try to.

Some good things are appearing to me finally, but I know I would have to wade another huge wave before I can get what I wanted. 2012 looks promising though, and I hope by this time next year I would be sitting down to write how wonderful the year have been in 2012. =)

That too if the world doesn't end by then. Haha..

There's no beginning and no ending

It began where it ended. It ended where it began. Confusing life isn't it?

That's how my mind is right now. I am confused. Very.

Very.

Sometimes, you just wish some things don't happen but when it does you're glad it did. Then comes a point that tells you whether this is right? Am I doing the right thing? Some tells yes, some tells no. Heart says go, brain says what, no! As you spend endless nights figuring out what's the best for you, suddenly a single twist of event throws you back to where you started.

I look at my life with a simple principle - what makes me happy? Of course it has always been, what makes Sathyan happy (first) then comes what makes me happy. Almost always, anything that makes him happy, will definitely make me happy. Now, it's just me and that's a good thing, I believe. It's easier for me to make decisions. :)

About couple of months back, I went to Singapore. My dad was totally against it, because I told him I was bringing Sathyan with me. It was a time when Sathyan was finally out of hospital and was yearning to get out and explore. I know it wouldn't be too difficult for me to give him that. :) So I did all the arrangements, spoke to his primary doctor, got all the approval ready and we were ready to board. Yet, my dad was still furious. He was worried about Sathyan's safety more than anything else (more than his own daughter's, if I may emphasis :)). He ended his argument with his famous warning words, "Do whatever you want. If anything happens, YOU are responsible. Don't expect me to fix anything for you."

I know how much it meant for my husband who was confined within hospital walls for more than 18 months. My heart told me the trip will make him happy and that in turn will make me happy too. So, against my dad's will for the first time in my life, we went. I kept a positive outlook that everything will be OK. It was Sathyan's last trip. 

I am glad I followed what my heart told me - I knew what will make me happy and Sathyan enjoyed himself so much. He loved being out there taking photographs. I fulfilled his wish to take a night shot of the Marina Bay. He almost couldn't, wanting to give up - but I kept pushing him, because I knew it was something that he always wanted to do. We did target for a dusk shot, but at least this is better than nothing. :)

Marina Bay night shot by Sathyan Ram

He had the best Nasi Lemak of his life (best in my life too) at Singapore's 60's Food Trail. The two of us had the best time of our lives in Singapore. Despite his illness which was never cured, he managed to walk, jump, run and still massage my feet by the end of the day (because he knew how much I tried to catch up with him :)). He was so full of life. Some probably heard the term live life like there's no tomorrow. My Sathyan showed me how to do it :)

So, that single experience taught me a valuable lesson in my life. We often worry unnecessarily (like how my dad reacted). More often we conclude something might just fail even before trying it.What if I get lost? What if it gets delayed? What if it doesn't arrive? What if it doesn't work? What if it fails? The worse thing that can happen to anyone's life is their own death. If you're already dying, then nothing else matters.

"Just Live." - Sathyan

Note: I know I have been posting a lot about Sathyan this past few weeks, as much as I tried not to. It's just hard for me to look at my life without having him in it. I may have moved on, but he will always be a part of my life. Hence, if you're still reading this blog - put up with it please :P

On Love

Anbilaar ellaam thamakkuriyar; 
Anbudaiyaar enbum uriyar pirarkku.

- Thirukural

What it means:

Those without affection in their hearts will keep all they have for themselves; The tender-hearted will even give away their bones.

In other words:

One who doesn't love is possessive about everything; One who loves would even be willing to part with their bones.

Happy - John Lennon

Remembering Sathyan

I often find it hard to explain the kind of relationship Sathyan and I shared. Simple words just doesn't do the justice. And then came this song. Which explained oh-so-perfectly the depth of our beautiful relationship. When I listened and tried to absorb the meaning of each line, only one person comes to my mind - Sathyan :)

Last night, he came to visit me :) Sigh... such a wonderful husband - he knows exactly when I needed him.

This song is my perfect dedication to my love. In a week's time, it's his 33rd birthday and our 4th year wedding anniversary. Happy Birthday Pa and Happy Anniversary :)

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

இருளில் கண்ணீரும் எதற்கு..
மடியில் கண்மூட வா..
அழகே இந்த சோகம் எதற்கு..
நான் உன் தாயும் அல்லவா..

உனக்கென மட்டும் வாழும் இதயமடி
உயிர் உள்ள வரை நான் உன் அடிமையடி

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

அழுதால் உன் பார்வையும்
அயந்தால் உன் கால்களும்
அதிகாலையில் கூடலில் சோகம் தீர்க்கும் போதுமா
நிழல் தேடிடும் ஆண்மையும்
நிஜம் தேடிடும் பெண்மையும்
ஒரு போர்வையில் வாழும் இன்பம்
தெய்வம் தந்த சொந்தமா
என் ஆழுள் ரேகை நீயடி என் ஆணி வேரடி
சுமை தாங்கும் எந்தன் கண்மணி
எனை சுடும் பணி..

உனக்கென மட்டும் வாழும் இதயமடி
உயிர் உள்ள வரை நான் உன் அடிமையடி

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா..

விழியின் அந்த தேடலும்
அலையும் உந்தன் நெஞ்சமும்
புரிந்தாலே போதுமே ஏழு ஜென்மம் தாங்குவேன்
அனல் மேலே வாழ்கிறாய்
நதி போலே பாய்கிறாய்
ஒரு காரணம் இல்லையே மீசை வைத்த பிள்ளையே
இதை காதல் என்று சொல்வதா?
நிழல் காய்ந்து கொள்வதா
தினம் கொள்ளும் இந்த பூமியில்,
நீ வரும் வரும் இடம்..

On Thoughtfulness

Sometimes, among the many things you get on your birthday, a wish that comes from the heart is probably the best gift ever. :) Sharing three of the best I received.

What runs in their mind?

I wrote this post in my previous blog on November 24th, 2010 at 11.47pm. As I was reading my old posts, I felt this one is worth a re-post. Sometimes, we take things for granted - we often forget that what goes round, comes around too. One of the invaluable experiences I gained while I was staying at the hospital caring for my husband for one and half years was the value of human interactions and emotions. Death was an everyday event. Pain was a common sight. Suffering was the norm. I suddenly recalled about an old man that I met while at the hospital and I remembered I wrote about him.

It's important to know that, you don't have to wait for someone to become bedridden in order to care for them. :) Start with the one you love.

---

Next to me is a 75-year-old man, bed-ridden because his left leg went through a surgery which required him to be tied to some metal rings. The most he can do is to pull himself up to a sitting position with some help from the metal bars next to his bed.

His children admitted him at the hospital with a maid whom I assume is responsible to be his caregiver. She is supposed to bathe him, feed him, ensure he takes his medicine on time, change his diapers and empty his urinal bottle. Also, I assume she is being paid to attend to his every need (medically) at any time of the day. At least, this is what I understand from the old man.

But what happened? The maid, despite being paid to do what she is supposed to do, wasn't doing her job very well. She scolds the old man, she does her work halfheartedly. As I'm typing this, she was asleep when the old man kept calling her name to help him change diapers. And she shouted at him for disturbing her. 

Being bed-ridden is often not by choice. These people, as much as they hated, really do not wish to depend on others for help especially when they are used to do things on their own - like going to the loo. They don't want to wake another person up in the middle of the night just to ask for urinal or a change of diapers. They don't want to wait for someone to feed them and watch the food turn cold right in front of their eyes, with intense hunger pain, and do nothing about it. They really don't want. 

But they have no choice. I wish more caregiver could understand this. Though nurses are trained to be patient and careful with their bedridden patients, not all of them are. When my husband was in HDA, there was one particular nurse who would scold him with words that hurt even a normal healthy person. And the worst part was, my husband had a hole in his throat which made him bedridden and also voiceless. He could not even tell me how he was being treated. But at the same ward, there was another nurse who did everything she could to keep my husband comfortable and well-taken care of. 

If you are caring for a bedridden patient, then please tell yourself this - the person you are caring for doesn't want to trouble you or anyone else. They hated calling you for help as much as you hated being called for a billion times in a day. But they had no choice. And they are grateful for every little you give to them. These patients are humans too - they have the same amount of emotion and turbulence in their mind as much as you do. Do respect them. 

It really saddens me to see bedridden patients who are being treated in inhuman ways. More often they wish to die not because they are sick and bedridden, but it's because they had to depend on someone who don't wish to help them.

Mayakkam Enna? (Why Dizzy?)

So aptly titled. Well you will go dizzy for sure after watching this movie. It is so full of twists!

[SPOILER ALERT!] :)

First of all, let me warn you - what follows next may contain spoiler bits, so if you're planning to catch this movie this weekend, stop reading and go do something else. And come back some other day when you think you've finally finished watching the movie. There you go spoiler #1 - it really is a movie that felt it took days for me to finish watching. Of course it was for only three hours. It just felt that long - days long. So long that at one point I thought the movie ended - but it was just the intermission. Even Lord Of the Rings didn't feel this long!

Ok, moving on to why I decided to watch the movie. I am such a choosy person when it comes to movie. When I spend money for entertainment, it has to be worth it - worth my money and my time. So there must be some form of ROI involved. This movie is about an aspiring photographer, how he met his wife and how the two of them - as husband and wife - stood through the test of time.

What I liked about this movie is the visuals. It's exactly like viewing from the camera's viewfinder. For me, the world looks surprisingly different from a camera's viewfinder, so this movie can definitely show you how that world looks like :)

Secondly, the movie somehow reminds me of my relationship with Sathyan. :) Of course, minus the physical abuse and drinking habits and the violence and verbal abuse. There you go, spoiler alert #2. There is this one song in the movie that shows what kind of things a photographer's wife would do (or rather had to do) and I just couldn't stop smiling.

Also, the movie portrayed how crazy we photographers are! Yes, you want to know how crazy we can get? Watch this movie and find out. The first part of the movie was really entertaining - very funny! Especially the first song - voda voda voda :)

Alright, moving to what I didn't find quite amusing - the second part of the movie is quite eerie. Suddenly it turned to something sad and scary. And a lot of things started not to make sense. I felt the director was trying to imply that even if your husband abuses - physically or emotionally - you still have to be this good wife who had to endure everything and stay in marriage. I'm totally against this - I don't think anyone should withstand abuse in any form. The movie went on to show that if you stay long enough good thing will happen. 

Yes, in the movie world, not in mortal world like ours. People will never change, they are what they are and that's how it is. Suck it up and deal with it rationally. If you have always been afraid of cockroaches, you will always be afraid of cockroaches. Do you think one day you will wake up and find out suddenly you are no longer scared of those damn, good-for-nothing God's creation? I'm sure you will not. Well, I won't for sure. So there, spoiler #3 - Leena hates cockroaches. :)

Overall, the ending was heartwarming. My advice is, if you plan to catch this movie (in case you're still reading despite the warnings), do it at the cinema. The reason is simple - you will never watch it in full from a DVD - you'd be too tempted to fast forward. Haha :)

Next on my list, Nanban! :)