Every end has a beginning

That's the tag that we use to console ourselves, injecting our souls with the hope of getting something different - better or worse doesn't matter, just something different - to carry on with our lives. 

We hope to see changes, hope to gain something or lose something, hope to create something or destroy something. 

As the new year approaches, I am filled with mixed feelings. But I am choosing to not bother about all the things that is not going to help me move forward. I cannot do anything to change people, but I can do something to change myself. 

So this new year, I want to start a new life.  People often say that we often don't know what we had until we lost it. But for me, I didn't know what I have been losing until I found it.

I am glad I've found a diamond that I once thought I will never find again.

The next chapter

It took me some time to digest the things that swirled around me this past few weeks.

First was my resignation from my job. As much as I loved what I was doing, I always felt there is room for me to get something better. Although I did not actively seek out for a new opportunity, one came smacking on my face. 

A good one too.

After contemplating and weighing everything under the sun, I decided to let go my comfort zone and plunge into unknown territory. It was the same feeling I had when I lost Sathyan - learning to let go and be brave enough to explore new environment. It wasn't easy, and I cannot say things will be better, but surely, I will get there. Part of the learning and growing up process, eh? :)

I tendered my resignation within 2 weeks after my promotion. Left a week later. I felt both good and sad. Good because I know I have made a decision that will improve my life, bring some vital changes that I have been looking forward (better working hours mainly) but sad because I have to be away from things that I am familiar with - my friends, family and home. Also from a job that I did so well in. But I do know, my stress level were going up and honestly, I was hoping some miracle would happen and get me a new job.

I got it :P

So here I am, having a cup of coffee, taking a step back, giving myself a short break, and looking forward for a new beginning in few days time.

On being selfish

Source: iobad.com via Andrea on Pinterest

Family isn't always blood

Entering the zone

This year marks an important milestone in my life - reaching the big three-zero zone. I should have, theoretically speaking, figured everything out about life by now. Well, not really.

Learning is a process that never stops. The day you think you've known enough is the day you stop living life.

Anyway, being me and my tendency to reflect on certain things, I came up with a list of things that I am glad I have discovered by the time I'm thirty.

What you eat matters. 

In today's world, food industry has been twisted in so many ways that some people actually think eating French Fries at McDonald's is considered "fresh" food. Just because some food are cooked just before it was served to you, doesn't mean it is fresh. I learned a lot about food, its nutrients and the importance of removing processed food from your diet while I was caring for my husband, Sathyan. The information I gathered and learned blew me away. The experience changed my perception towards food and health, and I learned, for you to live a good healthy life you must have a balanced meal. There is no exception.

Points to ponder: Being vegetarian doesn't guarantee you against a disease-free life. Most of the cancer patients I have met during my stay at the hospital are vegetarians who practice some form of meditations. The only difference eating healthy and regular exercise makes in your life is how your body will be able to better resist itself from disease invasion, hence increasing your chances of survival.

Not every relationship matters.

And you cannot make everyone happy. This is the most important lesson I learned. Somehow, you will come to realize the true intentions of people around you, and when that happens you will know whether the relationship is worth saving or burning. In my life, I thought if I lose certain folks from my life I won't be able to live. That is not true. Relationships are like clouds - when one goes away another one comes along. You just need to learn to accept, adapt and appreciate. No point taking a step backward. Always look for a better day by moving forward. And some relationship, no matter how hard you try, will not return :)

Knowledge is power. 

What you learn in school or university is not going to help you. Any fool can know, the point is to understand (Albert Einstein). You are always on the winning side if only you invest some time to learn something new and understand the impact that knowledge would give to you. Make use of it - in every positive way. This is the most important lesson that I learned at hospital. Although trusting your doctor is essential - I often do research on my own to counter some diagnosis and prescriptions given by doctors to my husband. That amazed the doctors so much, that my husband's case was handled with extra caution because they know, the wife (me) will not let them go off-hook easily if I found out something went wrong.

Do what will help you to move forward,

and ignore those that drags you backward. I learned to keep positive-minded people around me and that helped me to come out from a lot of poisonous moments throughout my life.

Keep a hobby and take a break.

When stress builds up and I am at a breaking point, it is good to know that there are some things that can take my mind away. I love to cook, take photographs and travel - these things make me happy and something that I enjoy doing. So if you think keeping hobby is a waste, think again. They actually keep you alive as humane as possible.

Only four things? It took me 30 years to learn four things? Well, not really. There are some lessons that are basically tucked within my mind that should not be released for public reading pleasure. But one thing for sure, I think I have a lot more figured out in my life than some girls of my age. :)

Poda Podi

Thanks to YouTube, I managed to watch the movie Poda Podi online, with a clear copy quality. Well, technically it is still legal, right?

Anyway, it was a really funny movie and one that smacks reality on your face! So, what follows next is my review of the movie and it may contain spoilers.

Movie started off with the introduction of the female lead, Varu - a girl whose only dream is to win a dance competition in UK and she knows nothing else. She has a guardian aunt, who is a party freak like her as well. They dance, and party, and dance and party - for her all these define "happy" life. So while clubbing one day, she met with the male lead, STR who is actually quite a reserved man and is out there looking for someone (some girl to go home with).

That's where the first smack of reality comes in. STR prints fake Euro dollars and keeps it in his wallet to actually show-off he is well-to-do. Looking at this, Varu is immediately attracted - for the money of course. And she went all out to get him - they became a couple within 27 hours. Interesting! :P

And so, just like that they became a couple madly in love only to realize 12 hours later they can't get along. The way STR explained on how to know whether we're in love, is definitely funny! Anyway, to movie moved on with STR assuming marrying Varu would make her change to be a better woman - a woman that he wants. Varu on the other hand is quite sociable and mixes around generously (which irks STR in every way possible). 

What I don't understand here is, STR met Varu in a club - of all places. How can he expect a girl who loves clubbing to stay at home and become the traditional Indian wife that he wants so badly? If at all that's what he wanted, then he looked for the wrong place, didn't he?

So who's mistake is it for not living up to expectation, Varu or STR? Varu put forward an interesting challenge by asking STR to change the way he is and adapt to her, instead of her changing her way. After all, he should have seen this coming, right?

Well, unfortunately he didn't. They broke up and STR was happy to actually know it ended. Not for long though, they got back together and got married. They even had a child together - and STR believed it will be all bliss finally. That too didn't last too long, and this is where the entire story takes its twist.

The entire movie brushes the fundamental elements in a relationship - love, ego and tolerance. It may not appeal to everyone and it doesn't really have a strong story. It's just funny to see how some real life stories can be depicted in reel life, and the two - STR and Varu - carried it seamlessly.

So, Poda Podi paarkelamma vennama? Take a break, catch this. The comedy helps. :)

Six Days

At the starting of the week

At summit talks you'll hear them speak

It's only Monday

Negotiations breaking down

See those leaders start to frown

It's sword and gun day

Tomorrow never comes until it's too late

You could be sitting taking lunch

The news will hit you like a punch

It's only Tuesday

You never thought we'd go to war

After all the things we saw

It's April Fools' day

Tomorrow never comes until it's too late

You hear a whistling overhead

Are you alive or are you dead?

It's only Thursday

You feel the shaking on the ground

A million candles burn around

Is it your birthday?

Tomorrow never comes until it's too late

A treat for myself

There are few things that I never tried because I could never afford to try it. So this year, I thought of spending a little extra to pamper myself and try something new.

So, I went for a manicure & pedicure, and a nice traditional Thai massage. Both together set me back around MYR 200. I definitely felt good afterwards so, I think it was money well spent.

I was wandering around Gurney Plaza this year on Diwali day, after visiting about five temples. Having nothing to do and no where to go I decided to give myself a break and a treat.

First I headed to Nails Hansen - a nail salon in Gurney Plaza. What everyone should know by now is, I have never set foot in a nail salon in my entire life's existence. I don't know what they do or how they do it. And I didn't know either we have to set appointment before going into one. Well, I didn't.

So I walked in and fortunately for me, a customer missed her appointment and I had the slot available. I was ushered into the spa area and immediately two girls appeared - soaking my hand and feet into warm water and they went to work straight away. Five minutes later another girl appeared asking me to choose the colors I want for my nail... they had SO many! So after about 10 minutes or so I went for 2 shades, one shade for the feet the other for hand.

My leg was definitely in a terrible state. It was rough, peeling and my toenails were not really, ermm... clean? Well, thanks to years of abuse. So finally, my feet were scrubbed, polished, cleaned and they gleamed! I was really happy looking at the end result.

An hour later, I walked away feeling truly satisfied with my nails.

I then headed to Thai Odyssey, a traditional Thai massage center which is quite exclusive and nice - almost spa-like. I booked the traditional Thai massage and my, oh my! It was really rejuvenating after all the hard work the entire year! 

So, these took some sadness away from my heart and planted some smile on my face!

On Diwali

Days like today remind me a lot about Sathyan. I tried, but I couldn't. I just miss him.

I have never really celebrated Diwali - it has always been about business, nothing much of a family affair. My friends used to visit me on this day - that was eons ago, while I was still in primary school to be exact. And I have stopped asking them to come. Before Sathyan, Diwali was just like any other day for me.

I remember working on Diwali just because I wanted to - I had nothing better to do and I can make use of that extra money. Also, most of the time I spend it alone, except for one year when I spent it with Vino's family. 

When I got married to Sathyan, that was my first taste of what it feels to celebrate Diwali. We put in a lot of effort to get our house ready for the festival. I actually had new clothes that he bought for me. And I actually went to temple on Diwali day for the first time in my life. It felt good - I finally had a family that I can celebrate the day with. Sathyan used to buy a lot of firecrackers so that we can play with our nephews. Ever since then, I always looked forward for Diwali. He gave me something that I always wanted to have, but never did. The sound of his laughter as he sees me running for cover when the firecrackers explode, still in my ears. It was wonderful.

Losing him, really meant losing everything I had. I guess, no one can really understand the magnitude of my loss. After all, everyone still have their family intact. For me, he was the only family I had.

So on this day, I just miss him a lot.

Oh, by the way... the picture above belongs to me :) Taken in December 2005.

Waiting for something

When you want something, it's just hard to wait. But if it's good, you know it will be worth it. And only some things are worth the wait.

Anyway, I got promoted at work! It definitely took a lot of hard work to get this far but I know my work is not done. More things to look forward to and I am definitely waiting for the training that I have been dying to get enrolled for almost 3 years now!

This past year I know I have been making a lot of decisions - in life especially. I have been accepting huge risks and putting my relationships with few people at stake with my decisions. It was never easy for me. I never had to be in such situations before. After all, "everyone" wants to protect me. Hehe...

But it only took one death to teach me how important it is to appreciate and live my life. Made a mistake? Repair. Irreparable? Then leave it - move on. Just don't waste your time. I learned to accept that we can't make everyone happy.

Every time I sense someone tries to stop me from doing something, I only think about the day I decided to go against my dad's words and took Sathyan with me to Singapore. A decision that until today I am glad I made.

And with that in mind, I have never regretted any of the decisions I have made. In fact, I'm glad I took certain turns in my life because it finally brought me home.

I’m coming home

I’m coming home

Tell the World I’m coming home

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes

I’m coming home, I’m coming home

Tell the World that I’m coming... home.

- Coming Home

How I am glad

... that I workout often!

All I needed was a jolt of motivation and I signed up for gym membership last January. Ten months through the journey, I am still hitting the gym few times in a week as my work schedule permits. I have skipped out few times, but I always go back.

I didn't exactly lose a lot of weight. But I definitely feel more powered, energized and happy. Weird, but yes, it keeps my mind off from stress and worry, and everything else in between. My stamina improved and I can do more things without feeling tired. 

Oh, and I did lose some weight :) 

Today, I was grateful I made the decision to invest in gym membership and make time to workout. Why? Because, I was able to wash my SUV all by myself. I did bring my car to the usual car wash saloon but they were packed today (being weekend and all...) and I had no option but to somehow figure out a way to wash it. 

So, it's self-wash day then.

I came back home and parked the car only to realize the hose which is usually long was replaced with a shorter version (whatever happened to the old one). It was really short. 

So I can't wash the car using a hose. I had to use a bucket to catch the water and splash it on the car - top to down. This alone required a lot of energy and strength. And I managed to get it done. In about 2 hours or so. But it was all worth it to see Buster 2.0 gleam and sparkle. Partly because, the car was just polished 3 weeks back and I used wash+wax solution for the car wash. And of course, the effort I put in to wash it carefully.

I also wore my gym clothes to wash the car! The idea initially came as I thought I will be sweating a lot, but it helped to keep me dry from all the water splashing activity! I felt this was a marvelous self-discovery on my side :P

The best thing was, I did not feel tired afterwards.

It's November...

An evening that began with...

Followed by...

Topped with...

Ended in

And not to forget...

... who kept me company :)

Here comes the bump

It wasn't particularly a good today at work.

Being on-call for one of the top IT companies in the world, handling heavy-duty applications and being responsible for it is not breezy. It is one aspect of my job that I love. Everyday, it is challenging. But days like today brought me down instantly. Even my manager knew I wasn't up to my usual beat. 

I got escalated for a silly reason by a man known for his unreasonable demands. It is something I am accustomed to, but I feel the whole drama is unfair. He was merely flexing his muscles for having a Senior Manager position. I was the victim. 

However, I do not understand why I wasn't being confronted directly? He did not even make the attempt to approach me and seek my explanation. Instead, he used the top-down approach which definitely ticked me off. 

As I packed my bags to leave on time today, my director approached me to find out whether everything is ok with me. I just smiled and walked away. There is nothing for me to explain. It stirs more anger in me when I think about it.

I thought they were gone

When my husband passed away a year back, I finally learned why some people say "you can only cry so much".

Because, I cried and cried and cried. I slept next to the coffin hoping he would knock the glass panel and scream to get out. Every time I popped my head to look at him, I'd cry again. It would hit me like waves. My whole body shivered. I felt weak. 

At a point when I thought I have already lost everything, one more thing went missing. My tears. I couldn't cry anymore. Tears stopped producing. I was still grieving, sad and immensely depressed. Yet, the tears refused to trickle. I stopped crying. Because, I couldn't anymore.

And I thought that was the end of my tears.

But today I learned that wasn't the case. I experienced something that made my tears appear again. So I guess I have to be grateful that I can still cry. :)

Being Grateful

I have so much of things to be grateful for. Every person's journey is different and I don't think I am in a position to write whether I went through the worst or the better - compared to the rest I know. Somehow, I am sure there are people with different problems to deal with. No one's problem is small or big - our paths are different - that's all.

I have decided to start something new with my blog. I would create a label called "grateful" and the whole idea is to label posts that talks about things I am grateful about. It can be something really small - yet I am thankful.

The idea hit me today while I was driving back home (as usual great things come to me when I'm trying to not to speed). It was raining very heavily today and the clouds were dark - it was 4.30pm but was almost as dark as 7.30pm. The visibility on the highway was reduced to a mere 100-150 meters and most cars were going slowly - around 80-90km/h. 

I was very careful but I would say it was needless. Why? Because my car was that stable! Honestly, it was totally a different experience for me. A short flashback hit me then. I recalled the time when I had to endure massive downpours on highways, being splashed by heavy trucks passing by on the opposite or side lane, and keep both my hands locked on my steering wheel to avoid the car from skidding. Imagine how fragile the car was!

Today, despite the heavy downpour and low visibility, I was able to travel at a reasonable speed and the only difference I felt compared to driving during non-rainy days was the swiping wiper - which did its job quietly by the way. 

And that's about it. 

I am very grateful for being able to own a good, safe car. In spite of some remarks some may have thrown unto me for getting a new car, I'm glad I have moved past the fear and invested in something that will keep me alive while I'm on the road. I am extremely grateful :)

Purple and White

All I needed to make my day today. Very, very beautiful flowers and very thoughtful indeed. I have been feeling under the weather this past few days and a bunch of fresh flowers brightened up my day

The Missing piece

There is always some form of incompleteness in my life these days. I know a very important piece is missing. I also know what it is.

The only thing that is making me sad right now is the fact that I could do nothing about it. Right now, at least. 

Probably I should start keeping fish again. They used to keep me company.

And never complained.

Things that I don't understand

Lingerie party at Hard Rock Penang by models from Amber Chia Academy to raise awareness on breast cancer?(!)

The same community that thinks talking anything about the departed or ghostly creatures as bad luck, welcomes Halloween party?(!)

To be continued...

Days by the Drums

Behind these hazel eyes

Every time I see his picture, the hazel-colored eyes stare back at me. And there is this intense, palpable pain shaking the very core of my heart- each time.

The very same eyes that did not want or wish to see anyone else for one last time - except me. I was the only image that those eyes wanted to take with it for its final journey. I still feel the pain of seeing the sadness in those eyes - disappointment for leaving me half way. 

I recalled the times we spent - filled with contention and happiness in our hearts - despite the bleakness in our future which both of us knew very well. Neither of us, wanted to talk about what will happen. But we knew, what eventually would happen. We lived each day as it comes. Thanking God every day for one more opportunity to be together.

The eyes remind me of the promise I have made to him - the things that I would do or rather, promised to do, when he is no longer there for me. Often I wish, that was not the case though. I feel, the pain I had to endure due to my "circumstances" after losing him is worse than the things I had to go through while he was around. Such is the fate for someone bounded by the rules of community. Something that neither he nor I, expected.

The thing I loved most, was his eyes. So full of hope.

So full of love.

Something that keeps my chin up

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

When someone belittles me, Mr Gandhi's words keep me going. :)

Travel + Photography + Gorilla Pod

Inspiration!

A lost home

I've been wanting to write about this a long time.

Today, after almost 3 years being "homeless", I finally got myself a temporary wardrobe. It's nothing too spectacular, just a self-assembled wardrobe with non-woven cover. 

And I used to have a home with built-in wardrobe large enough for all my things. 

I get really sad when I think about this. I built a home, a nice one, I got everything I needed, it was a complete home and I thought I have settled down. Little did I know, that was not the case. I had to move back with my parents despite still having a house on my own. I had to move all my things back to my parents temporary home and put up in a 100 square feet area - my current room. I had to "borrow" my mom's wardrobe to keep part of my clothes. And often it is also had to be shared with my younger sister - which leads to another dilemma - our clothes are getting mixed up.

At my age, I am yearning for independence and my own space. It would not have made a difference if I have been this way all the time. But I was not. I had my own space. My own place to keep things. My own kitchen. My own TV. My own life.

People around me are treating me as if my life just ended - and that I have no future. I don't know how long would it take for these same people to realize that what I have lost is love - not my self or my mind. I still have every bit of myself with me and my sanity is still in check. I still have a life to live and move on until it is my time to greet Sathyan on the other side. Until then, my life is running - nothing else has stopped. 

But then, the "community talk" kicks in and starts another whirlpool of problems. There seems to be something utterly wrong for a single woman to stay on her own and be by herself. Every single man she befriends after a certain age or time is being evaluated. Someone always wants to take control of her :) Pointing what is right or wrong by their own definition and expects the woman to obey it. And it often comes from a person who doesn't have control over his/her life. 

Yes there are immature single women out there, but anyone who knows me well would be intelligent enough to know I am not one of them, and would be smart enough to fend of any "talks" saying I don't know what I am doing. I am a person with my own principles and I know what I want in my life. If I make a mistake - it's a lesson learned for me and I take responsibility for it. I don't remember blaming anyone for things that do go wrong in my life. More often, good or bad - I get with it, instead of blaming every single living soul around me for every single thing that goes wrong. 

Going back to my wardrobe - it does minimize the already minimum space I have been allocated with. But, I have no choice - I need it and this should do. For now. 

At least until someone decides to adopt me, and give me a new a home. :) I do sound like a puppy abandoned on the streets, don't I?

Sometimes, that's how I feel.

24.08.2012

The coffee and me

And they actually asked me whether I want the cold Frappuccino.

Never knew there's the hot version of Frappuccino. :P

Special Prayers

"Today, Danbo made a special prayer. He prayed that one day, the world will be free of cancer. He asked for God to give strength for all the fighters out there. He asked God to be with them when they are in need."

-- Sathyan Ram (23rd July 2011)

Somewhere Only We Know

I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

O simple thing where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree

I felt the branches of it looking at me

Is this the place we used to love?

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

O simple thing where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

If you have a minute why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know

Somewhere only we know

O simple thing where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

If you have a minute why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know

Somewhere only we know..

- Keane

Fashion is an expensive word

I have never been bothered about fashion. I just feel I'm bad at it. I don't know what's in and what's out. I don't know what cool and what's hot. Well, at least, I used to be like that.

Until I learned the importance of presentation. That too through food photography - almost always you choose a food that has a picture on a menu and we often go for the one that looks most pleasing to the eye. Presentation is important. Translated to our human clothing terms, it's called fashion.

Indeed, fashion comes with a price. As I was walking along the mall last Friday (decided not get caught with the balik kampung jam), I stepped into GAP store obviously being attracted by the signboard "New Collection."

Skimmed through the stuff they had and I got the shock of my life when I saw the pair of jeans that I bought just a month back suddenly costs 50 bucks more than what I paid last time! It was just the same thing! And almost all their pants (short or long) cost just the same and obviously it were so darned expensive.

I continued walking and stepped into MANGO store. They certainly have brought in some new collections. But I don't understand how a shirt that is as thin as a paper could cost RM99? Fashion - yes that's right. It's the fashion. Wait till the end of season and the same shirt would only set you back RM39. Even that is still expensive for a product that probably won't last through 10 cycles of machine wash.

So most of the time when we buy clothes, a big chunk of money is actually being paid for the fashion and the brand - not the quality of material. However, there are some brands that do charge their products in accordance to the quality of the material being used. You will see this apparent in products such as luxury handbags, shoes and writing instruments. When you see these products, you will also see how beautifully the design, the quality and the brand blend together to create an exclusive feel which makes you, the buyer, feel elated to actually own one. 

That is why, I do not mind spending my hard earned money on products that really stand up for their price. I do hear people commenting my purchases as "she is rich, of course she can spend." Although the fact I am rich is not true, but I do see my purchases on good quality products as a form of investment. If I spent RM500 for a genuine leather bag and it serves me for at least two years, I have received my ROI (return on investment). Generally, these bags lasts longer than that - if it is well taken care of. I don't have to be rich to invest in a bag - I just need to manage my finances well in order to save enough money to buy something that actually doesn't require a repair or replace! In the long run, I am putting my money in something that is worth it.

Which means, that nice shirt I saw in Mango - it's not the time to buy yet. :P

Something to keep you looking up

The Hot Ticket

It has been quite some time since I've gotten myself a new pair of shoes. The last pair I bought was in 2008 - a pair of Hush Puppies which Sathyan got for me after much persuasion (he was persuading me to buy one, not the other way round!). 

The shoe served well for 4 years! That's what you get when you pay a premium price for something that is really good - it lasts for as long as it could. In fact, the shoe is still in good condition - except for the sole, which is worn out due to daily use. Yes, I used it every single day for 4 years.

I have been scouting for a good pair to replace my worn out HP shoes but it appears to me, Hush Puppies are going backwards in style - their latest collection is called HP1958 and God-knows why anyone born in the 80s would even think of buying one. The designs doesn't appeal to me anymore. So, time to move on then.

I did most of my search online, as I didn't really have the time to look for the shoes in the malls. I dropped by Adidas, Puma and Nike - found one or two that looked appealing... but wasn't calling out... come buy me...

In the end I found what I wanted at Skechers! These are called Biker shoes (because it is laced up already). When I was trying to put it on, it was difficult at first, but the moment my feet got in, the shoe snugged it and it felt really comfortable. That alone screamed, "Buy me!!" :)

I feel the design is just so very cool. I have not taken this out yet - planning to tomorrow, and let's see how well it stands up to my torture. It really is a great shoe and it works well for casual everyday use, running errands or even light workouts at the gym (I consider my workouts at the gym as light).

By the way, the shoe is called Hot Ticket. I didn't invent the title up :P 

Also, thank you to the wonderful soul who actually paid for this shoe! Yes, my pocket didn't get hurt this time as well :) Hehe...

Time and tide waits for no man.

Malaysians seem to have a fetish for free stuff. Even if it costs less than 10 ringgit, they are willing to queue for hours just to get something for free.

Just look at the queue below, to get a free scoop of Baskin Robbins ice cream.

If you're interested, drop by any Starbucks on Friday after 6pm, and you'll be left wondering why the heck the queue to get a cup of coffee is so long.

We often think getting something free means value for money (you pay nothing and get something in return). But these people either have too much time in their hands or they think their time has no value - hence willing to spend their time queuing up to get something which doesn't even cost much on normal days. Unless of course, the item that is being given away is something of a much bigger value that on normal circumstances you have to work at least for a month to have enough money to buy it, then I would say it's worth it.

Sheesh...

Anyway, work these past few weeks has been hectic - as usual. With my friends missing from action at the office, I am almost zombie-like. Eyes are becoming darker and by the end of the day, my brain buzzes with some weird noises - like the one that comes out on TV before the broadcasts begin. Irritating sound for sure.

Sometimes, I wish I can have a change of environment though. It's almost a year now and probably also.. a time to move on.

Time and tide, my friend, waits for no man. :)

Inspiration

When you are walking in a dark place, where there is nothing you can see or have a clue where you're heading to - a torch light would help, wouldn't it?

I call that inspiration. 

A source of light that provides you a sense of direction. It may or may not point you towards the right path, because where you are heading lies within the decisions you make. But the torch light lets you see clearly where you're going. And it will stay with you - it wouldn't decide to suddenly stop working just because you took a path the torch light did not like. Would it? :)

A year back, everything was bleak for me. I was so sure I wouldn't make it through the next one year alive. I am not weak - I just didn't see the purpose why I should even be alive. When life goes out of plan, most of us surrender. When you're older, it gets much tougher to change things around you and start over - most things are almost settled down and in my case, I've settled down at a much younger age. It was difficult and no one really understood the struggle I was against at. 

"The hardest part of the ending, is starting again." - Waiting for the End, Linkin Park.

I was walking in the dark with no sense of belonging and purpose. From the outside I knew I looked fine. For everyone. But from the inside, I knew that wasn't the case. The worst part? I didn't even know my problem was the loss of purpose in my life until my friend came along and pointed to me - find yourself back. She was right, I had to find myself back but how?

I needed inspiration and encouragement, and a jolt of motivation. With my best friend's help, I saw a light pointing me to a direction, picked up pace and built my confidence. But to move on further in life, you need more than that. I needed more than that. 

There has to be a solid pillar, that I can hold on to and feel safe. And at times, it turns into a torch light that stays with me showing me the way when I needed it.

I am lucky to have found my torch light.

Essence of Bhagavad Gita

"Whatever happened, happened for the good; whatever is happening, is happening for the good; whatever will happen, will also happen for the good only. You need not have any regrets for the past. You need not worry for the future."

"What did you lose that you cry about? What did you bring with you, which you think you have lost? What did you produce, which you think got destroyed? You did not bring anything - whatever you have, you received from here. Whatever you have given, you have given only here. Whatever you took, you took from God. Whatever you gave, you gave to him. You came empty handed, you will leave empty handed. What is yours today, belonged to someone else yesterday, and will belong to someone else the day after tomorrow. You are mistakenly enjoying the thought that this is yours. It is this false happiness that is the cause of your sorrows."

"Change is the law of the universe. What you think of as death, is indeed life. In one instance you can be a millionaire, and in the other instance you can be steeped in poverty. Yours and mine, big and small - erase these ideas from your mind. Then everything is yours and you belong to everyone."

"This body is not yours, neither are you of the body. The body is made of fire, water, air, earth and ether, and will disappear into these elements. But the soul is permanent - so who are you?"

"Dedicate your being to God. He is the one to be ultimately relied upon. Those who know of his support are forever free from fear, worry and sorrow."

The week kicks off...

... with me falling sick.

I hate it when my body refuses to follow my commands and insists I should follow its own demands instead. What is it demanding now?

Sleep.

Lots and lots of it.

Covered with a nice thick comforter. It's just so freaking cold. Sheesh.

A letter

I remember the time when you had to go to US and leave me here, alone, for two weeks. It felt terrible.

Sending you off at the airport, I held on to you so tight. Our friends left us to give us some time alone. And I remember I cried. I just don't know how I could be away from you for so long. And I knew, you felt the same too. I remember you were wearing the shirt I bought you. You loved that shirt, so much.

The moment you walked away, I was already missing you. And I stood there, for a good 5 minutes.

I stayed awake almost 24 hours, just wanting to make sure you arrived safely. You called me along the way, emailed me, and kept me updated during your stops. For the first time, I had to wake up not having you beside me. I had to eat alone, go to work alone. It was really awful.

I'd stay awake every night, just to chat with you. Each time you appeared on the video call, I would cry. I knew you'll be back soon. I remember you were telling it was really cold and the sound of the train passing by shocked you on your first day there. You had your lunch at Hard Rock cafe and sent me a picture. My favorite picture of all time.

As days passed, I realized how much you have impacted my life that it felt lifeless without you. There were times I would be too tired to stay awake. When that happens, you often watch me fall asleep in front you. I was counting the days to be with you again. At that time, I knew you'd be back. The date and the time - it was recorded in my brain.

One day, as I opened my email, you sent me a link for a song clip. Today, when I listened to that song, it reminded me of the torture you and I went through for that brief 2 weeks. Yes, it felt like years at that time, but now I can see it was a brief 14 days. I remember the day you returned, and my whole world became colorful again. I remember hugging you so tight not wanting to let you go. And I remember you cried. You just couldn't wait to get back home, to show me all the things you bought for me. And all the pictures you took.

And now, you're gone again. But this time, you have decided not to keep me updated on your trip. And I don't even know where you are now. You never told when you will be back. There is no way I could see your face again. Cancer may have killed you. 

Loneliness is killing me.

And the search ended

In 2004, when I bought Buster I announced it to the whole world through this blog. At that time, I was determined to get a new car by the time I'm done with the loan service. My target was 7 years. It got delayed by 1 year for obvious reasons...

I did not test drive Buster and neither did I know how much I would be spending for its maintenance and fuel. I sat down in the show unit model and felt, ok, I fit. I wanted blue and everyone else told me to get silver. I wanted my own number, and everyone else told me I don't need one. So, I paid my booking fee, placed the down payment and took Buster back home.

It served me well for eight years. And still does... :)

What I really wanted in a car was the joy of driving it. I spend a lot of time travelling and all unnecessary gadgets or accessories becomes secondary. What I wanted was a car that is a sheer pleasure to drive. Sure enough cars these days comes with attractive gadgets that may give it some edge from one model to another. When I bought Buster, it came with ionizer and a built in cable to charge the then-popular Nokia monochrome phones. Within a year, I realized I have no use for it - but it was indeed an attractive accessory to have as there are cars without it. It was something that I don't need, but paid to have it included.

And that taught me a lesson - why pay for something that you don't need? So when I started looking for a car recently, I kept this in my mind. Get a car that will make you happy every time you touch it. And I found that happiness in my Buster 2.0! :)

After almost a month of waiting, my second car arrived two weeks ago - from Japan.

This time, I got the car that I wanted to buy ever since I was a kid. I would consider this as fulfilling my childhood dream and ambition. Got the car I wanted, the color I wanted and even the number I wanted. Each time I step into my Buster 2.0, I feel a jolt of happiness that runs through my spine and strikes right across my heart and soul. That's how it feels when I sit behind the wheels. :)

Top 5 Applications on my Android

I have a total of four (yes, four) Android devices out of which three are in constant daily use. 

I have two mobile Androids running Gingerbread and Ice Cream, and one tablet running Ice Cream. One more mobile runs Froyo. So here's a list of top 5 application that is a must in all my devices (and these are FREE!).

Feedly

This is my favorite application of all. A news reader with a simple interface and so easy to use. The best part is, it integrates nicely with my Google Reader account. On my tablet, this applications turns my news feed into a magazine-like browsing experience. Highly recommended if you have plenty of reading materials that you follow online.

Million Moments

I had to admit Android's version of Gallery, although not the worse, but isn't the best either. And that is why I love Million Moments - it's yet another application for photos but with ease of use and has a wonderful layout! I just need to create some labels (for example, "food") and every time I take a picture of food (more often I do), I just have to tag the picture with the labels. What the application does, it turns the labels into wonderful "photobook" like gallery.

Any.DO
Having too many things to track is no longer a hassle with Any.DO for me. I add list of things I have to do in this simple little app and it keeps track everything for me, and reminds me when I do forget. I can strike out things I've completely and a shake clears everything done from the screen! The interface is simple, easy and clean. New version includes sync-ing with your Google Tasks. My favorite feature is the phone reminder (keeps track of missed calls and reminds me when I have to return a call).

Dolphin Browser HD
Chrome is one of my favorite software on my PC, but on my Androids Dolphin takes the reign being the best browser for awesome functionality and ease of use (easy for me that is, but it could still be intimidating for those who even think IE is daunting). It's just a browser, but there are so very little browsers out there that works properly on Android platform, so this one takes home my vote for being the best one (crashes less).

StumbleUpon
Given an option, I would want this application to be my #1 favorite app in Google Play. Unfortunately, this is also the most unstable application out there, but then again, I can't live without it. StumbleUpon is something that was discovered by Sathyan on its early days and he always shares a lot of interesting "stumbles" that he stumbles upon. It's one of the apps that I'd recommend to people who messages me, "I'm bored". So, if you're always boring bored and had to do something with your hands in a good way, have this installed, choose your interests and have fun exploring what's out there in the world wide web! :)

So there you have it, now you know what Leena uses on her mobile devices all the time. It is interesting to note that there are people who are keen to find out what application I have installed on my Androids. Of course these are not the only ones I have. Probably when I have more time at hand, I'll try to come up with Top 5 Android games installed on my Androids. 

What today means to me

The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and weaknesses and still thinks you're completely amazing.

:)

Every sunset, has a sunrise

There is one thing I learned -

The world doesn't stop moving just because your world stopped one fine day.

People carry on doing what they do. Yes, they get sad and all depressed looking at you going through a hard time, but really, no one bothers anything else after that. They probably get worried once a while thinking what you'd be up to and doing, but then again really, no one is really bothered.

Losing a love is almost like seeing the world come to a standstill. Time just stops - for you only by the way. The rest around you stop momentarily and look at you and will be kind enough to make the time move a little. But after some time, they too have a life to take care of. That is when you must know, it's time for you to move on. The world doesn't stop, just because yours did.

Pull yourself out of it, or risk being sucked into a timeless depression that brings you no where. I am glad though, that it didn't take long for me to get myself back on track. Looking back at the past year, I am happy  I took several decisions that made my life much more meaningful. I am glad, I did not waste my time by being sad and worried of what people might say.

Of course, there will be those who would say things one way or another. It goes back to yourself which ones you would want to listen and let steep in your heart and mind. Someone who reads my blog regularly sent me an email, suggesting that I should I watch the movie P.S I love you. For a person who had nothing to lose, buying a DVD to watch a recommended movie is not much of an hassle. And so I did.

That movie made me realize it is OK to be happy. It is OK to go for a vacation. It is OK to laugh and do things you love. It is OK to fall in love again. 

The movie also made me realize, that you can get really sad when you find out people around you are actually doing something with their lives while you drag yourself into endless list of whys. Because, like I said, no one is really bothered about anything. No one wants to stick around a cry baby for eternity. Complaining and analyzing why some bad things happen to you is not going to bring any good.

So here I am, being glad for how things turned out. :)

Na na naaa

Yummy Red Velvet

I am not really a fan of cakes. But I do love those that comes with ice creams (mud-pie types and ice cream cakes). So, it was indeed surprising to even myself that one day I decided to have coffee and cake at The Coffee Bean.

The cake was really sweet - and the only reason I chose that over the rest was because, it looked different. Almost like out-from-a-recipe-book kind of look. So, Leena must photograph it (even though she couldn't finish eating it in the end).

This was taken some time back in April. I finally had the time to process and upload it today.

Had some time to kill...

... and decided to have these uploaded.

Dessert selection at Eastin Hotel, Penang

My Sprocket Rocket!

Lotus at a Buddhist temple, Thailand

Artisan sculpting Lord Ganesh's statue, Thailand

Close up of the dessert, again.

Copyrights reserved.

I ate this.

All you need is a little sweetness in your life...

A cake should do the trick. :P

On Happiness and Pain

You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.

Your time is... limited

How it has been this week

I should have listened to my inner voice that kept urging me to stay away from sick people in my office. I should have. 

Should have.

On Thursday, I started getting the symptoms - irritated nose and upper mouth and sore throat. Great, signs of me falling sick. It got worse on Friday, and yet I decided to go to work. On my way to work, one of my tires got punctured while I was on the highway! Somehow I was glad I wasn't speeding.

I was already disgruntled with the fact I was sick, and it was hot. What else could make the situation worse? Punctured tire in the middle of highway? With runny nose as well. I moved to the side of the road and parked my car - true enough one tire decided to fail on me on a Friday, for heaven's sake!

I took out my spare tire - which was at least in good working condition - and the tools to change the tire. I kept telling to myself, lefty loosie righty tighty (something that Sathyan taught me, of course) as I loosened the bolts and moved to jack the car. That was when three men approached me, to lend me a hand. I was wary of course, but none of them looked suspicious though. Besides, there's nothing to take away from me except my car - which I don't think even a scrap metal trader would want to have.

Anyway, this 3 wonderful Malaysians helped me to get my tire changed. How many Malaysian men does it take to change a tire? Three!! I am indeed grateful. I knew someone has always been watching over me. :)

The lunch on Friday was a special one. Puspa and I decided to try the Briyani at Veloo Villas with their kurma curry - we were left speechless. The taste was indescribable. Top it off with our usual payasam- it was the perfect lunch treat. I'm sure Sathyan would have jumped in joy the moment I offered him Briyani :) The folks at Veloo Villas told us that they only remembered they have payasam the moment Puspa and I stepped into the restaurant. Such huge fans of payasam we are, yes..yes..

My sickness got worse on Saturday - I felt like dying, to put it bluntly. I even thought, if I were to die that would be a good thing anyhow - I get to see Sathyan. Then something knocked my head and told me to get back to reality. Sheesh...

I was definitely grumpy because I felt so useless. 

I depended solely on my bion3 to salvage my body from the virus attack that was going on. I am happy to report that today I feel heaps better. So much better that I managed to get my tire fixed - two new Falken tires and Buster feels good!

Back to work tomorrow :)