Your time is... limited

How it has been this week

I should have listened to my inner voice that kept urging me to stay away from sick people in my office. I should have. 

Should have.

On Thursday, I started getting the symptoms - irritated nose and upper mouth and sore throat. Great, signs of me falling sick. It got worse on Friday, and yet I decided to go to work. On my way to work, one of my tires got punctured while I was on the highway! Somehow I was glad I wasn't speeding.

I was already disgruntled with the fact I was sick, and it was hot. What else could make the situation worse? Punctured tire in the middle of highway? With runny nose as well. I moved to the side of the road and parked my car - true enough one tire decided to fail on me on a Friday, for heaven's sake!

I took out my spare tire - which was at least in good working condition - and the tools to change the tire. I kept telling to myself, lefty loosie righty tighty (something that Sathyan taught me, of course) as I loosened the bolts and moved to jack the car. That was when three men approached me, to lend me a hand. I was wary of course, but none of them looked suspicious though. Besides, there's nothing to take away from me except my car - which I don't think even a scrap metal trader would want to have.

Anyway, this 3 wonderful Malaysians helped me to get my tire changed. How many Malaysian men does it take to change a tire? Three!! I am indeed grateful. I knew someone has always been watching over me. :)

The lunch on Friday was a special one. Puspa and I decided to try the Briyani at Veloo Villas with their kurma curry - we were left speechless. The taste was indescribable. Top it off with our usual payasam- it was the perfect lunch treat. I'm sure Sathyan would have jumped in joy the moment I offered him Briyani :) The folks at Veloo Villas told us that they only remembered they have payasam the moment Puspa and I stepped into the restaurant. Such huge fans of payasam we are, yes..yes..

My sickness got worse on Saturday - I felt like dying, to put it bluntly. I even thought, if I were to die that would be a good thing anyhow - I get to see Sathyan. Then something knocked my head and told me to get back to reality. Sheesh...

I was definitely grumpy because I felt so useless. 

I depended solely on my bion3 to salvage my body from the virus attack that was going on. I am happy to report that today I feel heaps better. So much better that I managed to get my tire fixed - two new Falken tires and Buster feels good!

Back to work tomorrow :)

Just Lost.

Few things crossed my mind today. 

At a certain point of time I had (almost) everything, and I was very grateful. I would tell Sathyan all the time, despite being able to afford many things, we chose to live within an average means - just being grateful we have proper clothes, nice food, a great roof above our heads and most importantly, we had each other.

And then it came a time that we had to let go many of the "luxuries" we had. At that very moment, we realized our love for each other conquered all. It wasn't really the cars we had, or the comfy home we stayed or the nice places we chose to have our dinners. It was the feeling that we still had each other to hold on to despite the hardships that we faced. It gave me so much of strength. 

One of Sathyan's wishes was to get a good car for me. Within the short period of 5 months that he was alive after the hospital discharge, he took every effort there was to find a decent, safe car for me. He simply feels my Buster will not be able to keep me safe for long. He finally did get one, but he passed away before the car even got to me - which made me decide there is no point of getting the car when he is no more. But the fact he went all out to ensure I get the best despite still struggling with cancer, was indeed admirable.

The first time I wanted to buy a car, I had zero support from those around me. The second time round, I had one but that too ended tragically. The struggle now continues with me. The good thing is, I am not biased when it comes to cars. The not-so-good thing is,  I know nothing about cars. :)  So there you go, my struggle has begun...

Going through the heaps of choices we have in Malaysia, I am just devastated. Buying a car is a whole lot worse than deciding to get married - it's that hard to decide. I am just glad I did manage to test drive few cars while Sathyan was alive (and rocking :)).

Suddenly it hit me - I have been wanting something that is good enough which would make Sathyan be really proud of me. But that something is so difficult to find. As I kept scrounging for more information, I get more and more confused. As I read more and more reviews or comments online, I realized one thing - how petty Malaysians are. And how I am turning into one.

It's a car - for God's sake. What should matter is comfort and safety - my Buster had neither but I have been happy with it for the past 8 years. So happy that I have decided not to sell it at all. It just reminds me the grateful feeling I once had - happy with what I have and not ask for more. There are people out there who can't even afford to take a bus!

If there is one thing that I learned from my experience is being thrifty. Buying a car is no investment and yet the amount of money spent to have one is just ridiculous. Simply absurd - that I feel buying my third home would give me a much better return for my money than a car. Sigh...

I am just lost. :(

Just a piece of my mind.

It's a weird, weird world I must say.

A single event can cause all right things to appear wrong, and all wrong things appear right. I am just surprised at the amount of assumption one makes with just a slight piece of information or news that is neither true nor proved. That's probably because, most of us only choose to hear what we want and make up the rest of the story as how we wish it is - even if in reality that is not true. Why? Because we feel we are the right ones.

I once had a discussion with a friend of mine many years ago on what is right and what is wrong. Interestingly, that discussion opened up my mind to a new way of thinking - what is right for you maybe wrong for someone else and vice-versa. It's a simple logic, and yet many refuse to give to the fact they can be at times may have a point that is, well, right in their own beliefs.

Recently, there has been some instances someone thinks they know my late husband better than I do. I can only laugh at this. Who else is in a better position to know about Sathyan than me, the one he loved dearly till the last of his breath? Just hope some things would make sense to people outside of my marriage that no one is in better position to know or understand the way my Sathyan thinks and does certain things. If there is one person who knows what are his last wishes - that person is me, and only me.

When I took his hand in marriage, I promised to stand by him through good and bad times. In which, as his wife, I did. I also feel if there is anyone who wishes to question my sincerity and loyalty towards my late husband, the only person fully qualified to do so is Sathyan himself, and no one else. I had a blissful marriage with Sathyan and I am ever so grateful for having had the opportunity to live the kind of life some can only dream of. Not everyone gets a perfect husband, you see.

The best thing that you could do or give someone you love is your time. When Sathyan was around, I did exactly that. I dedicated every minute of the day to be with him, and take care of him. I have the full satisfaction that I did everything there is to give him a good life while he was alive and married to me. That is probably why, I was better prepared to accept his death because I knew it was imminent. The fact that I was able to cope with his loss in bravely manner is partly due to the intense level of emotional turbulence that I had to endure from the day one he was diagnosed. And secondly, I had great friends who helped me see the light and live a life, instead of knocking my head down expecting me to grieve for as long as there is eternity.

I have been through a situation that required me to make decisions in life and death situations, in which I saved my husband from the brink of death four times. Even in his last moments, I was fighting my way through. People labelled me as selfish because I wanted my husband to live despite knowing the fact that he was suffering. What these people don't know is that, he wanted to live. I still remember the day we came back home from the hospital after finding out the remission ended. Sathyan lay down on my lap and cried hugging me. He begged me to save him, and he wanted to live a long life with me. His hazelnut eyes were full of hope. And for that reason alone, I never gave up. For this, I was labelled selfish. 

When I started moving on with my life and find ways to keep myself occupied, a lot of people wondered how I could get back on my feet and start being happy despite the loss. For this I only have one answer:

Only those who feel guilty of not being able to fulfill a dying man's last wishes or be with him during his last moments would grieve for a longer period of time. I never had such guilty feelings because I loved my husband sincerely with all my heart, took care of him with all my might and gave him the best of everything with all I could. 

Anyone who truly knew Sathyan personally would know that the one and only thing he ever wants, is for me to be safe and happy. 

"Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than to remember me and cry."

There's more to come

Moving into the fourth month of the year, I begin to realize how quickly time whooshes by. I was looking forward for April though - it marks the beginning of some good things for me.

I have been overwhelmed with the amount of work I was assigned to at work. It came to a point that I felt so choked that I could almost feel as if I was a fish, gasping for air after escaping from its bowl. It was that bad. My mind was numb and my heart almost ached with the fact I am trapped. Work environment hasn't been all that glorious as well.

I need a break.

A break to recharge myself, my body, my soul and my mind. I seriously need a break from everything that is going around me.