Missing

Everyday there is a sense of not having something. Words taken out of context and you spend the remaining days trying to explain what you don't even have to bother in the first place.

Where has the openness gone? It was there all these years. Where is that now? Why do I have to watch what I say? Why do I need to weigh the right and wrong when expressing my views? Whatever I have done through the thick and thin moments are not enough to explain how honest my heart is in doing something?

So I'm being questioned now. Questioned out of curiosity? Really? Have I appeared that calculating? I don't know. Maybe I have.

It just suppresses me from my already small world to know that I don't have a single person to share my opinions with and they would in turn understand without having to ask me to justify or explain.

On top of being taken for granted now this. There is only so much I could bear inside me and it hurts me so much that I couldn't share it with anyone. I wake up, swallow the pill and move on.

There's no hand to hold or voice to whisper "I'm here for you". I just have to put numb expression and get things going.

Why Birthdays are just hype

Even when I was small, birthdays are often the only day people around me try to be nice to me. Which eventually made me repent the day like a lifetime vegetarian seeing meat for the first time.

It felt unreal. Why is that only on your birthday people make the effort to greet you,  wish you, and be attentive to your needs - if at all people remembers it? Why that one day of the year?

That's probably why I never liked celebrating my birthday. At some point I did like - to be honest. But it became pointless after a certain event in my life. Nevertheless, the day for me has always been nothing special. Just that people who remembers the day will attempt to make it special so that you'll feel it is special day. Most of the time they don't even remember which date it was. 28th? 30th? Wait I'm sure it's 28th! Oh yes, I think so too... If that makes you happy.

So what special thing they do?

Oh well,  people will try to be nice. You might get a gift or two which they happened to buy just an hour before giving it to you, just out of desperation to make your day special. If you're lucky they'll wrap it so that you have the joy of unwrapping something that you don't need. Then what? Let's do something special. Like what? Movie. Yes, people still do think watching movie is special. Grab a coffee while you're at it. Oh why not coke? Yeah, why not, it's cheaper anyway.

My question is why wait for birthday to do something as "special" as watching a movie or drinking coffee? What's wrong doing it on an ordinary non-birthday day? You know why?

Because that would leave birthdays as an ordinary day. :)

That is why I have love-hate relationship with my birthday. The unreal feeling that someone remembers the day you were born thru Facebook birthday reminders and attempts not to hurt you or your feelings on your "special" day. Or at least momentarily forgets your disagreements for 24 hours. The saga shall resume a day after your special day. No hurries. Enjoy your special day.

Feeding the little mouth

Just like any other working mother out there, I want to give my baby home-cooked food. It is cheaper and I get to control what goes into my baby's diet. But then, there was a problem. I can't be making the food everyday.

I leave to work at 6am everyday. And it wasn't 12 hours later that I step my foot back home. In this case, how do I prepare food daily? I was giving pureed sweet potato, pumpkin and carrots which were frozen into small baby cube containers. My mother-in-law would heat them up before serving it to my baby. But as she grew, pureed food wasn't enough. As I moved to feed protein (chicken, fish), the idea of feeding frozen porridge with fish or chicken wasn't really appealing.

So, I devised a solution. After much researching, I invested in two kitchen gadgets. I now thank myself for making this decision earlier and not wait for the immense need for it to arrive. What tools?

A slow cooker and a hand blender.

Honestly, this is by far the best investment I have made to prepare my baby food. I did buy a mini food steamer but it was only useful when my baby was into pureed food. As she went into more coarse type of food, the steamer lost its usefulness though I still use it to steam fruits to be pureed which can be added into breakfast cereal for my baby,

I bought the 1.5L Morgan slow cooker from Lazada. Every night, I will place washed brown rice, some vegetables and some pieces of protein into the slow cooker,.After filling it up with enough water, I'll set the cooker to "Low" settings. 

The next morning, the porridge will be ready. All I have to do is stick my Philips hand blender in, and mash up the contents. My hand blender has 16 different speed settings, plus a turbo option. I usually will set it to level 1 settings, which will blend the porridge in a coarse consistency. 

And because it is a stainless steel hand blender, I don't have to cool the porridge down or transfer it to different container. A quick stir, and I'm done. The slow cooker will keep the porridge warm until it's needed.

This allowed me to cook porridge for my baby girl everyday, with different flavours and ingredients. The amount is usually half pot, which is enough for 2 feedings, or 3 at most. But what I like about these tools?

I don't necessarily use it for making baby food alone :) Cleaning up is just SO easy. Because of the ceramic pot, the slow cooker is just so easy to clean, without even much effort. The hand blender just needs a quick rinse under tap water, and it's done! Phew! Who invents these things?!

The Birth Story - Part 3

As the pain got worse, I clenched on the sides of the bed each time the contraction comes in. Anand then stepped in to sort things out.

He somehow persuaded me to use gas which is basically some sort of option that makes you believe that you're not in labor pain even though you really are. It's a good hallucinating experience. But the gas did not make my pain go away. My mind was just too strong to be tricked. 

Epidural was the last option available. I resisted. Anand insisted. I finally gave in when he told me, taking epidural doesn't make me any less of a mother and not taking one doesn't make me a superior mother. We got the anaesthetics in immediately, and along with intense contraction pain, I persevered the electrifying epidural procedure. 

But, boy was I RELIEVED! As I started experiencing numbness in my lower body, I slowly started to relax. The contraction was there, but the pain isn't. I felt so, so relaxed and glad that I took the epidural option. I managed to catch some nap, because I was relaxed, I dilated even quicker. 

Around 7.30pm, my gynae came announced I'm finally ready to greet my baby. I was dilated enough to go for normal delivery. The midwives and doctor started preparing me for the delivery. 

Anand was very excited and got his camera ready. The doctor joked to him that it is still long way to go and it will take hours before the baby comes out. He responded that he didn't mind waiting but wanted to be "ready".

It did not take hours.

Well it seemed like hours for me. But really, it was just 20 minutes or so.

Baby ma was out before Anand could even get the camera settings right! She came out squirming, and looked really beautiful to me. I carried her for a while before she was whisked away for the usual tests. Anand followed baby ma, while the doctor gets the rest of things done.

She weighed 3.71kg. Around 50cm long. Tall baby, eh? Of course! :P

But something was not right. That's how I decoded when the nurse came in to inform the doctor they have to bring Baby Ma to NICU. I wanted to follow her, but my legs were still numb. I can't walk yet and I had to be bedridden. Anand did all the running around.

He came back and told me everything was ok. But I knew something was just not right.

Giving a head start

My girl has spent almost every day of her life with only 3 people. My mother-in-law, my husband and myself. Every other people are just hi-bye. It got me really worried because I feel she started losing out on social life.

Her cousins are way back in Penang whom she only got to meet once. Lack of interaction with people has made my girl lose out a bit on social communication and that kept ringing alarms in my head every night.

I have heard a lot about baby playgroups and baby gyms. Most of these places take babies as young as 6 months old. Some even start out earlier - 3 months, or even earlier. I wasn't too keen enrolling my baby at such a young age given the fact she hardly has her immune built. I can't be spending every week taking care of a sick baby, can I? :P

As my baby approached her 9-month old birthday, I started scouting around for a good playgroup for her. Gymboree and Kindermusik were to choices that I had which was within my budget. I had my own reasons why I narrowed down to only 2 options. There are aplenty of options out there, which are either too expensive for me or too exhaustive for the baby. And I don't want to be the kiasu mother wanting her baby's right brain developed more than the left brain. I wanted normal development :)

So, after discussing with my husband, I scheduled for trial classes with Kindermusik and Gymboree. 

Kindermusik trial was ok. I went to the centers's HQ at PJ, somewhat near the SS2 mall and not too far from my own office. Location wise, the place is within reach on weekends. For weekdays, forget it. I know how terrible the traffic is. The center was at triple-storey (I think) shop-lot. After registration, a lady escorted us to a room few floors up. Since Baby Ma is less than 18 months old, she can only enrol in a program called Kindermusik Village. There were 3 other registered babies and 2 babies on trial pass. The class concentrates on singing, dancing and playing with different instruments suitable for the babies. 

My verdict, it was just ok. I did not enjoy the class. Although my baby was actively crawling around, she was just curious. There is nothing much that she can do. I sing quite badly, and my dance moves are equally terrible, so it wasn't really a good start for me. The choice of activities are just about music, and teacher guides parents on ways to bond with their child. The entire class duration was 45 minutes. What I liked about the class was the size - it was at a manageable size, closed environment. What I didn't like was how judgemental the teacher was towards my baby. She did not make an effort to find out how old she is and assumed she is a toddler - and was giving out comments or remarks that did not make me feel my baby was in right hands.

Kindermusik classes goes by semesters. Each semester consists of 8 classes, and you pay by semester. You can't replace missed classes. This was a setback for me, because sometime, I travel or have to attend some functions - if I can't replace missed classes, it's a big turnoff for me. Fees are around the region of 500++ per semester which includes some materials (book, CDs), course fee and registration fee.

Next was Gymboree trial class which we attended today at Bangsar Village. We eventually signed up for this. The classes consists of play, music and arts (they also have yoga and sports but not for my baby's age group). Each of the class are split into several levels based on the baby's age. For my baby's age (at 10 months old) she was enrolled in the Level 3 play class for the trial. I particularly liked this, because she gets to mingle with kids of her own age group. How do you expect a 10-month-old to talk to a 3-month-old? So the levels are really good to start with. The class size was quite big (around 9-10 kids were there). But I was told there is a limit to the size (15?) 

There were lots of activities areas for babies in the play class, Every 2 weeks the theme changes so that the kids have something new to learn. I don't know yet whether the themes get repeated, but it's a good thing the environment gets a fresh boost every now and then. There were 2 packages available for us - Package A for 12 consecutive classes of one type of class which was worth RM1000 inclusive annual membership fees. Package B consists of 48 classes that cost us RM2.8k. We were given extra 4 classes for using HSBC card making the total number classes to 52 - which are valid for a year and we can mix and match play, music and arts classes. Additional 10 playgym vouchers were given as well. Honestly, this was much cheaper than Kindermusik option.

Class verdict, my baby loved it as much as I did. There were plenty of babies of the same age group, parents who are at the same boat as I am and there were good amount of activity areas for babies. The teachers are attentive, trying very best to spend time with all the kids. The environment seems to foster more active communication and even from day 1, I can see my baby trying to "communicate" tots around. It was amusing. :)

When I was a kid, I never really had these exposure. But I'm sure my parents would have given it to me if only it was available then. The amount of money spent is not cheap. I used to open my mouth wide when people tell me their kids daycare or kindergarten fees comes up to 300++ per month for their 4-year-olds. Well, I just invested into something worth 200++/month for my child - all in the hope it gives her a good childhood head start. Am I going over the board? Naah... this is the best that my husband and I can give...for now... :) 

Three years...

We had an entire lifetime ahead of us and yet God decided to tear us apart. I still find it difficult to accept you are no longer here. No longer here for me.

The image of you being carried out from mortuary, lifeless, cold, pale is still in my mind. How I tried very hard to put on a brave front. Wanted to show you that I'll be strong enough to handle everything. Just in case you were hiding some where playing the fool with me, running some trial run to see how I would persevere the moment when you are no longer around.

But then it was real. It was not a trial run. I lost all sense of time. I was just lost. Today I'm missing you as much as I have always been. It still feels unfair that you were taken away so soon. It hurts so much thinking I could have done more than what I did. The image of you breathing your last breath... And letting go of your life... Our future.... in front of me is still in my head. It haunts me until today. I can never erase the memories.

I know you're watching me all the time. I wish sometimes that you would show up. So that I can cry on your shoulders. How everything was not what it seems.

I still slow down and glance at the hospital where we spent 2 years of our time. Everyday hoping for miracle. You knew it was a death sentence and yet you still fought. That was valuable lesson for me. Nothing is over until it was really over. Till then keep fighting.

Every single day was a blessing wasn't it? We had no dreams of making it big. We had no dreams of being popular. We had no dreams of being rich.

We only had dreams of going back to our home and sleep on our bed. Dreams of taking a walk in the park. Catch a movie or watch sunsets. Even that remained as unattainable dream.

Today marks the third year of my life without you. And I know you are with me.

The Birth Story - Part 2

My mother-in-law insisted she followed us. My intention was to just get my pain checked. After all my follow-up check up was just 2 days away. I was really positive the hospital would just send me back home.

During my ante-natal class, we were told that in the event of contraction pain or any sort of pain, we were supposed to head straight to the delivery suite, not the Emergency Department. I don't think my water broke, and we were not in a hurry. I was still able to walk :)

Anand took his time to reach the hospital, just because I told him so. By the time we reached Bangsar (which normally would take only 10 minutes for him) it was already 15 minutes past 11pm - 10th of December. We parked the car at the hospital basement and only brought what is needed with us, leaving the bags and the rest of our "hospital must-haves" behind.

We took the lift and headed to the delivery ward. I informed the nurse in charge that I was having contraction with short intervals and experienced some stabbing pain. She took some details and guided me to the delivery room. In Pantai Hospital, there are only single delivery rooms. If you're admitted and are in active labor, that's where you'll be placed until the baby comes screaming :) The delivery suite has a bed, some machines and place for 2 people to sit and accompany the mother in pain. There is also an attached bathroom with hot shower. It was very comfortable.

My mother in law stayed by my side all the time. It was very late and yet she tried to be awake to take care of me. The mid-wife then came in a short while later and hooked my belly with foetal heart monitor as well as contraction monitor. She then came back after a while to check how far I've dilated. I was being monitored for almost an hour, well into midnight the next day - 11th of December.

The contraction pain by now was getting stronger and I had the inkling it's going to be a long night. The mid-wife checked on me again. She informed me that I am in active labor and that I have dilated 3 cm. She also gave my doctor a call to update on my condition. My doctor has advised the mid-wife to get me admitted and monitored! It was 1am, Anand went down to the admission counter to get me admitted and handle all the necessary arrangements. And I was hungry.

Like I said, it was a long night... I was given the hospital robe, which I wore just for the experience of it. Anand stayed with me the entire night, while we asked my mother in law to get back home first. She promised to bring some chicken soup for me in the morning. Since I was being strapped to the monitors and what not, I could hardly go anywhere. Several hours later, the mid-wife came to check again - I was dilated by 4cm.

It was 7am when my doctor came. She was happy that I went into labor naturally and that she didn't have to induce me. She checked and confirmed I was still dilated around 4cm. The progress was slow, but she assured me that I will deliver on the same day, no doubt about it. She broke my water bag. I felt warm gush of liquid and was so afraid to get up. My doctor however encouraged me to get up, and get walking to speed up the process.

And so I did all sorts of stunts that I thought would help ease my labor - much to Anand's amusement. He took pictures, lots of it, of me walking up and down the ward corridor. Of me squatting and standing to ease the pain. Of me with serious look. Of me with i'm-going-to-choke you look.

As the clock ticked away my contraction pain got more intense and more frequent. It was unbearable. Anand wanted me to opt for pain reliever. I refused, wanting to experience childbirth no matter how painful it gets.  But then it got worse. 

The Lone Ranger

I really don't know where to start. At times, I think I'm just better off at some point of my life. But sometimes, I'm not. Rant warning ahead.

Loneliness crept in quietly. I miss every single part of myself. The times I spent reading books. The times I spent buying things for myself. The times I spent caring for myself.

It hurts being lonely when you know there are people around you. And you must understand being lonely is not the same as wanting to be alone. Sometimes, all of us need a breather - we want to do things at our own pace. It keeps us connected to ourselves. But most of the time, we just want companion.

It is very tiring - the routine after my confinement is just tiring. Weekends are tiring. Weekdays are equally exhaustive. I do enjoy being a mother to my little darling - she is such an angel and at the end of the day, she's the one thing that makes me wanting to go on. Giving me that one purpose in life to persevere and keep moving forward. Knowing that she wants my companion more than anything else without even having to tell me, speaks volumes about love.

Wanting to be constantly held and touched just goes on to show that human beings' love needs are just simple - a hug, a smile, a peck on the cheek.

My baby gets cranky when she doesn't feel the love. But then she's a baby - she has all the right to be so. But are adults given such allowances? No, I don't think so. And we go on living thinking things will get fixed on its own. Well, they don't.

I'm at times lost. I have to work very hard every day. Nothing I have now came easy. To be where I am now, I had worked hard day and night. And, I've made many sacrifices for the ones I love. There are only two types of people that I know now in my life. The one that knows I've made sacrifices and tries to make my life better. And the other one who doesn't.

One thing that I'm really not a big fan of is being taken for granted. We have another day to say sorry. We have another day to say they matter. We can take a day off someday to show we care. We have forever to show love to one another. We have more important problems to face than saying nice things.

I've gone through a point in my life that taught me every day is a blessing - a gift - another opportunity to do something for the ones you care. Every morning when I got up, I thanked God for giving me another to live. Life is just too precious - you'll never know when the countdown to death begins. I have been through that stage. It was scary - every minute of it. Living with no future is scary. But living worrying about future? It is even scarier. 

No one said life is smooth. Human life is very dynamic. Today we're here - we can find thousand and one fault in others. Tomorrow, that person may no longer be there.

The sinful bliss!

Baking, oh baking! How much I missed baking!

Anand finally transported my oven back from Penang. I now have a proper oven that I can use to bake for him! Armed with couple of baking books Anand gave me last year as gifts, I set out to accomplish the first mission - chocolate brownie, just because I didn't have a cupcake pan. My version had cherries and white chocolate in it! :)

The finished product tasted so good and it tasted even better with ice cream.

Then the next mission was to bake cupcakes. The cupcake book had a recipe for vanilla-flavored watermelon cupcake. Right out of the oven, after cooling and frosting, the cake tasted good. But after keeping it in the fridge overnight, it tasted even better! I can't even begin to believe I baked those cupcakes.

My third attempt was red velvet cupcake. The cupcake turned out well for a first timer but the cream cheese frosting was a disaster. There were various techniques out there and so happens the one I used crashed my dreams of sinking my teeth into the nice velvety cake I baked on the same day. The entire night I researched, trying to find where I went wrong. I attempted to get my cream cheese right and my second attempt went ace!

Now, 4th mission in planning...

Nothing but the best

The fact I didn't have the time to post any new blog updates is enough to show I have plenty of drama and action going on in my life. Where to begin..

My project at work that I have been working on for more than a year now is almost near completion. Yes, that means I am busy with the project rollout. I am particularly proud of this project because it has given me the exposure and experience that I never imagine getting. I feel proud to be part of the core team member to produce an in-house built CRM application for an international bank. 

The new software system will be rollout to all branches in Malaysia this coming week. And I have been as busy as bee getting the managers from every branch trained. I'm their new best friend :)

Moving on, being mother myself made me realise a lot of things. I know people who often complain their parents did not do enough for them when they were younger so they wanted to give their own kids what they never had. True, we often want to give our kids what our parents didn't give us. But what we didn't realise was, our parents actually gave us things that their parents didn't give them. Makes sense?

And along the struggle to give the children what we never had, we work hard to ensure what they are getting is the best. As parents, that's what we do. Our children to have the best of clothes, toys, feeding bottles, and the list goes on. I am definitely one of them. But, the best comes with a price. And instead of giving the best to kids, we most often give the best that we know and we could afford. Going by the same principle, I'm sure our parents have done the same.

Why I am suddenly talking about this? I finally realised my parents has done the best for me at their best capacity. I used to wonder why I didn't get the same funky toy as the girl at the kindergarten did. Or why am I walking to school. Why I have to exhaust my school bag to the point of tearing apart before getting new one. Why I had to use a huge cardboard box as my study table for many years before finally getting a proper one at 13. Why I had to settle for things that is not brand new. 

Why? Because my parents acted on their best capacity based on their best knowledge of my needs. I have to trust they have given me the best. In fact they did and I'm happy they didn't choose to abandon me somewhere but instead decided to raise me with all they had. I'm glad I grew up healthy, with proper food and clothings and most importantly, I was given education - something that some parents at that time deemed unnecessary. 

I do a lot of research before getting something for my daughter. Like every other parent out there, I want her to have the best too. But the best is limited to what I can afford. Her clothes, her toys even her play mat is carefully chosen. As a baby, her very survival is dependent on me. This made me appreciate my parents even more. How they took on the responsibility to care for not one but three kids. It's just amazing. Of course I do feel at times the care and love given is lopsided which I aim not to repeat with my own children but the fact they fulfilled my basic necessities and aided my growth all these years is commendable. 

But there will always be people out there who will complain that their parents did not do enough for them and they had to work their way up. I find it amusing. Unless the person is orphaned or grew up at a welfare home (or even alone), there's no such thing your parents did not do anything. No one in this world had a perfect childhood and one can never have enough of everything. Likewise, no one can give everything for their kids despite the intention to do so. Our parents was in the same boat as well. And they didn't have Google at that time, yet they did their best to find out what's best for us.

Nursery Room @ Isetan The Gardens Mall

Last Friday, I fell sick. I wanted my body to fight whatever war that was going on inside my body, but nada. I visited the doctor during lunch and got an MC for the rest of the day. Since Anand was still working, I decided to wait for him. It's Friday, come on. Of course I wouldn't want to stay in the office.

I took the LRT to Bangsar station and hopped on the bus to Midvalley. It was a much better route than getting down at Universiti station and taking the bus from there.

The reason why I chose to go to Midvalley was due to the availability of Nursery rooms (or Mother's room). I don't exactly know how many are available but I know for sure Jusco AEON and Isetan have one in their Baby department. This post is about the Nursery room in Isetan that I visited.

First impression - it's really clean! The place looks polished and well-kept. There are 3 nursing room with curtains, a pantry with microwave and hot water dispenser, 3 changing pads and a sink.

For added convenience, there are also additional bench like chairs. Each nursing room has power outlet, a chair and table... and a nice picture to look at :P

Anyway, I personally feel the room is well-kept. I don't know whether men are allowed in the first place, but while I was pumping a couple came in with their baby. So, always make sure you have the curtain pulled while nursing/pumping and locked with the hook. Moving on to a more visual part - pictures of the place!

The nursing rooms

Inside the nursing room

The changing pads and pantry

A wider view of the nursery room.

So where do you find this room? Look for the Baby Wear department at Isetan, The Gardens Mall. While you are there, do walk around - they have some really pretty baby stuff there *hint hint*.

Medela Calma - a review

The idea seemed cool - a teat that was designed for breastfeeding babies so that they can use bottle and still doesn't end up with nipple confusion.

I got my Calma teat along with the Freestyle my husband bought for me last year. I only introduced bottle after one month of exclusive breastfeeding. I feel it is important not to introduce bottle within the first 4 weeks of birth, if you have no medical reasons to do so. This is mainly because, the first few weeks of breastfeeding is the most crucial part of breast milk supply establishment. 

Yes, it's challenging. But persevere. :)

So, I started my bottle feeding experience with Medela Calma - which costs RM85 in the market today.

At first, I was definitely attracted by the fact it is recommended by lactation consultants for breastfed children. I read reviews on Amazon (and even thought of getting a second set) before starting to use it. Some people reviewed that their babies choked on this teat. Some claim it was the only thing that worked for them. 

For me, my baby accepted the teat just fine. She had problems with it first - like choking on the gush of milk. The teat works by the means of vacuum - the baby has to suck to create vacuum to get the milk flowing. But that's where it stops in comparison to breast feeding. When the baby stops sucking, the milk kept flowing until the vacuum runs out. So babies are forced to drink when all they wanted to do was pause.

Since my baby was only 1 month old when I gave her this teat, she had trouble swallowing the heavy gush of milk. In the end, a lot of breast milk just went down her neck instead of her throat. Also, the amount of work she has to put in the get the milk is far more difficult and tiring than getting the milk from the breast itself. In no way I see this teat can be compared to breastfeeding.

Often, it is also a challenge to get the bottle to be completely empty as possible. This is because you have to keep repositioning the flow hole so that the last few millilitres of milk could flow to the baby's mouth. But then, it is almost always difficult to see the hole. If you're planning to send the baby to daycare, then it requires a lot of training for the caregiver to properly use this teat, else you risk losing A LOT of breast milk just because the flow hole wasn't positioned properly and the milk doesn't get to the baby. This was my #1 concern and frustration - anything that makes my breast milk to go to waste raises a loud alarm bell in my head.

Also, my baby takes just 5 minutes to finish 3 ounces of milk with this teat. At one month, she used to breastfeed for at least 40 minutes. So 5 minutes on the bottle is REALLY fast. She was literally gulping the milk. This is not a good thing.

The bottle is not anti-colic. Period.

Finally, disassembling, washing and assembling it again was another chore to add to your list. The teat has a silicone nipple (which was long and hard), and some other "layers" of parts to clean and assemble each time. It was just a hassle.

I stopped using Calma at 2 months old mainly because I couldn't see my baby choke on the milk each time anymore. She struggles and when she's really hungry she gets frustrated for not being able to get the milk out. It was much easier to get milk letdown on my breast than using Calma. I'm glad I did not make the decision to purchase a second set. It's just too pricey and the so-called technology that went into it is just marketing gimmick.

I finally bought Pigeon bottle with Peristaltic Plus nipple at M size which has Y-cut nipple. It works much simpler that Calma, cheaper, easier to clean and my baby doesn't choke on it. The milk flow pauses when my baby pauses and the breast milk leftover is just so little.

If you're looking to purchase Calma to replace some other bottle you have been using, then skip this product. Give the teat a try if you got it free - who knows you might like it. I wouldn't really recommend the teat if you need to pay money for it.

Oh well it's still Friday!

Taking time off at Dome@The Gardens Midvalley mall.

Friday finally!

A traditional cup of "kopi susu" to kick start the day!

Break from routine

One thing that I did not expect is losing weight after delivery. If anything, I anticipated weight gain not weight loss - and I have lost 7kg from my pre-pregnancy weight!

This new me has landed myself into another dilemma to deal with - clothes that doesn't fit anymore. My skinny jeans are now baggy and my shirts are hanging over my shoulders. I obviously needed some pair of new pants. Nothing fits anymore.

Today was a day that I looked forward to. Anand and I finally found some time to hit the mall. We took Baby ma along too. 

We headed to the Gardens Mall in Midvalley, straight to the Gap store. I tried on their skinny jeans which I was after by the way, but I liked none. In the end, I decided to deviate from the norm and got their slim cropped pants. Yes, it looked fashionable yet formal. And I liked it. The hubby paid for it of course. :P

Then we went to Baby Gap store which was just a floor above. There were pretty dresses and shirts and ... sigh... I really wanted to get some for Baby ma, but the fact that she grows so fast kept me thinking whether I should really be spending so much. Furthermore, Anand just spent a fortune on Baby Gap shirts for Baby ma few weeks back. I decided to wait until she is 6 months old to get her some new batch of clothes.

By the time I'm done, it was almost lunch time. And I know Baby ma will start screaming for milk. The three of us headed to Manhattan Fish Market (MFM) to redeem our Groupon offer. I purchased Groupon deal from MFM for RM49 which basically gives us the flaming seafood platter (values at RM55.90), Ceasar salad (values at RM12.50), mussels in garlic herb sauce (values at RM10.90) and finally 2 Tropical Breeze drinks (values at RM8.90 each). Oh, did I mention the voucher includes the service and goverment taxes as well? Yes, indeed it was a deal. I love the seafood platter so, this was a jolly good deal! :)

As we expected, MFM was packed with people who were redeeming their groupons as well. We were seated after few minutes of waiting. While waiting for the food, we fed Baby ma. By the time she is done, the food arrived :) Perfect timing.

After lunch (the queue to enter MFM got longer!), we headed back to the Gardens mall. We stopped to buy a new Samsung battery for Anand and continued to Marks & Spencer to find some additional pair of pants. This was when we had our first explosive session with Baby ma.

She pooped. While in her Boba. And some splashed on Anand. Lol :D

Good thing I packed extra clothes and the rinse-free nappy cleanser. The good thing about Gardens mall? They have pretty good facilities there. The baby changing room is located right next to Isetan and it was clean. So, we dropped our shopping session and got Baby ma cleaned. It was a good teamwork between Anand and myself. He helped to wash her soiled pants and dry it using the hand dryer while I cleaned Baby ma and freshened her up. 

We headed back to M&S and I found two really skinny pants (those are called "jeggings" which is the short form of "jeans leggings").

Of course, the day would not be complete with some ice cream from Baskin Robbins, would it? :)

We're ending the day today with couple of sticks of chicken satay, nasi himpit, wine and football game. Today was a breather for us. A break from the usual hectic, full of stress routine.

The little freedom with Boba 4G

Almost always having a small being with us means lack of mobility. Babies are definitely fragile and just because of that bringing them out and about is a tough decision for mommies like me.

I love spending the weekends out with Anand. Whether it's shopping or out for a brunch or coffee, I look forward spending time with him. But, with the baby at hand, it was quite difficult for us to go out. 

We looked for a solution. Stroller does seem appealing but at times, it is not practical. For example, manouvering in and out of the weekend Midvalley crowd is unthinkable. And there are places where bringing a stroller may not be apt. I am not saying strollers are bad choice, it's just may not be the prefect solution for me now.

So we decided on a baby carrier. But there was another bigger problem - which one? I was very disturbed by the fact baby carrier could lead to hip dysplasia. Choosing the right baby carrier is really important. Our final choice was Boba 4G baby carrier.

I was attracted to this carrier because of 2 things - nice design and it was comfortable to use for us and the baby! FabulousMom was having promotion for baby carriers so I got this for a good price. My other option was Ergo Baby Carrier and I did try both the carriers before purchasing it. I think that was the most important factor in choosing a baby carrier. Bring your baby, and try it on. We did find it awkward asking the sales girls to allow us to try, but we're glad we asked! They were more than happy to help us. I especially loved the sales girl I met at Fabulous Mom boutique store in Cheras.

My baby screamed in Ergo, but slept off in Boba - so Boba it is! Not only that, the 4G model comes with infant seat insert which is detachable once the baby is big enough. Ergo does have an infant insert but it's thick and you have to purchase separately. Personally, I felt more comfortable wearing my baby in the Boba compared to Ergo (we tried Sport and Original).

After the breastfeeding pillow, this was probably the next best thing we have invested in. The little freedom of bringing our little one around, while keeping our hands free! The carrier complies with ergonomic of baby carrying and baby feels snug and safe with us.

Boba 4G can be worn in 3 different ways and can be used for babies up to 25kg. The material is soft, but it's best not to use it under hot weather because it can get really stuffy! We took Baby ma up to the Batu Caves temple using this carrier. As it was drizzling, the head cover that came with the carrier was of great use! It was a life saver for us. Baby ma slept all the way up and down!

Baby products are not cheap, so finding the one that is useful and doesn't hurt your pocket much is challenging. I'm glad I decided to try on the carrier before buying. It took me a week to research and narrow down on the brand. It was a hassle, but I am happy with the purchase. :)

Anand and I are off for weekend outing tomorrow, with Baby ma :)

Updated Mar 28th:
After using our Boba, we would normally store it in the box that it came with. It's a little hassle that was easily solved by purchasing the Boba stuff sack. I bought it online from Aboo family for RM55. Quite pricey but it came with the same design as my Boba and makes more fashion sense to carry the Boba around with this than the box itself. :) Here's a picture of my sack stuffed with my Boba 4G

Polar for my polar bear!

Haha...

My husband is a fitness freak. And as I cracked my head what to get for him for Valentine's Day, I stumbled upon the idea of getting him a watch with heart rate monitor. He loves to collect watches so a watch that helps to monitor his heart rate? Sounded good to me :)

The hunt begin. What brand which model. I took me 2 weeks of research to finally settle for Polar FT60. Polar is synonymous to quality heart rate monitor and they have been making these since 1977. Deciding on the brand wasn't tough.  But the real challenge was to decide which model. 

So I took quite a bit of time to finally decide to get FT60 for Anand.

What I like about this watch is the STAR training program where he would be able to create his own personal training programs and track his progress online. The drawback is you'll need a data transfer device called FlowLink to transfer data into your computer. So I forked out additional bucks to get the FlowLink as well. The good thing is it works with PC and Mac.

So here you go my love, a new toy to keep you motivated throughout the year. No more blaming me if you go out of shape :P I know the technology is little daunting but you'll find your way :))

Got milk?

I remember sitting down on my hospital bed, at the verge of breaking apart as I struggled to express colostrum for my baby. I was really looking forward to the breast crawl experience.  But as the nurse whisked my baby away to the NICU, I knew I had to wait.

It was only 2 days later I was allowed to carry my child. It was just out-of-this-world feeling. I still had to express my colostrum which was no way anywhere near the required amount. I could not breastfeed yet and my baby needed milk to survive.

Seeing me struggle so much, Anand tried to help. He spoke to the nurses, doctors and lactation consultant. He also searched for articles and videos on how-to correctly express the milk. In fact, if it wasn't because of him I would have given up. I persisted and finally I was allowed to breastfeed my baby!

Initially I was nervous. This was partly because during my visits to NICU I often see mothers trying to get their newborn to latch and oh my, struggle they did! The babies scream and often refuses the nipple despite numerous attempts by the poor mother! So I wondered, how would Baby ma react?

The nurse placed a breastfeeding pillow on my lap, carried my baby and placed her on the pillow. Almost immediately, my baby latched and started suckling! Again, it was and extraordinary experience and I definitely felt relieved. And at that very moment my journey in breastfeeding begins.

It has been close to 3 months now and my still breastfeeding my baby. I aim to feed her exclusively with breast milk at least for 6 months - longer if possible. I'm grateful for all the awesome gadget Anand got for me to support my breastfeeding journey. The best of it all was the breastfeeding pillow. I cannot imagine going through this challenging moment without it!

Of course there are those who were skeptical and who thinks breast milk reservoir will dry up in first month. Those who also thinks babies who cry often after a feeding is not getting enough milk and immediately departs their wisdom to you to feed the baby formula milk.

It wasn't easy I tell you to fend of the remarks from "non-believers". But perseverance was the word and I had to turn deaf and believe Kelly's Mom is right.

Learning as I go, I'm very certain breastfeeding has helped to bond my baby to me. And it's such a beautiful bond. 

A new experience

My husband always tells me that I look beautiful without make-up. He feels I don't need to put on make-up. For him, I looked perfect. But then, I know I don't :P

I don't know whether anyone would classify wearing lipstick counts as putting on make-up. If it does, then that's as far I know about looking beautiful. Honestly. I have tried few times to practice wearing more than just lipstick. YouTube has been my sole reference, but somehow I always end up looking uglier.

So, for a very long time I wanted to learn the right way to put on some simple make-up. In fact, I've been wanting to take a class for it - since 2007. Finally, I made use of a Groupon offer for a 2-day personal make-up workshop for RM59. 

The workshop was conducted at Celmonze Aesthetic Academy which is located in Damansara Utama (near Uptown). My classes took place over the weekend, which was yesterday and today. What did the classes cover?

First day of the class, the workshop covered personality analysis and finding your color tone. This followed by step-by-step hands-on techniques on applying day make-up. All make-up products were provided and we were given the option to purchase make-up brush set for RM28 or use one of the sets they already have. I decided to purchase one since I do not own any :)

My day make-up was not impressive of course - given this is the first time I tried my hands applying my own make-up. The eyeshadow was horrible, my foundation was uneven and my eyeliner was a disaster! But, I learned a lot. And I know, putting on make-up is an art on its own, so I had to practice!

On 2nd day, we did a revision of the day make-up that we learned from day 1. I looked better :). This was followed by night make-up tutorial where the instructor taught us on smokey eye effect. Finally, we finished off the session with a hair-do tutorial - which I failed miserably. I just can't seem to get my hair to curl!

I took away a good experience from the workshop. I also made new friends which I felt was a good point of the overall experience. I learned how to use the different brushes, and picked up some basic knowledge on types of cosmetics available. Now, all I need is to practice, practice, practice!

For the price I paid to attend the course, I think it was well worth it. I wouldn't have paid anything more, because the course is really very basic. I think I should invest spending some time more workshop such as this - it opens up opportunity for me to meet new people and make new friends. 

The Birth Story - Part I

Phew!

I can't believe it's going to be almost 2 months post delivery! It was so full of ups and downs for sure.

My birth experience was something that is worth documenting, for I want to remember it some time in future. :)

My due date was on Christmas last year. The doctor however did not want to wait that long though. So she was planning to induce me 2 weeks earlier before Christmas if I don't go into labour naturally. My deadline was 12th December which was supposedly my last check up date before the doctor decides to induce my labour on 16th December.

I have already planned to work from home from 10th December onwards which will give me some time to prepare myself mentally to go through the labour. However, from early December on, the few steps I take from my bed to the bathroom was already too much to bear for me. What more to get ready for work? 

I decided to make use of the medical leave and worked from home. I took it easy and spent most of my time taking short naps. Sleeping was a chore on its own! Despite the heaviness that was draining my energy day in and out, I spent 4 hours walking in the Big Bad Wolf sale. The sale started on 6th but I only went there on 9th, and that too at night. The following day, I was too tired for anything else after spending hours looking at books. So, I continued to work from home and by afternoon I badly needed a sleep. I woke up couple of hours later in the evening with some contraction pain, which was irregular.

I knew from my antenatal classes that irregular contractions are often false labour, which I have been having on and off some days of the week. I ignored the pain and took a warm shower. Made myself a cup of coffee and sat down in front of the TV.

As the hours passed, the contractions became more and more apparent. I used an Android application, Contraction Timer, to time the contractions. I told Anand about the pain taking a regular pattern. He insisted to get to the hospital right way. But I still felt it was false labour and that I can wait. It was the night of 10th December. My follow up check up is not until 12th. I was trying to decide whether I should wait or head to the hospital. 

The moment I started getting stabbing pain under my belly, I knew it was time to get the hospital and have it checked. Anand and I took a quick shower, got our bags and headed to Hospital Pantai KL.