Feeding the little mouth

Just like any other working mother out there, I want to give my baby home-cooked food. It is cheaper and I get to control what goes into my baby's diet. But then, there was a problem. I can't be making the food everyday.

I leave to work at 6am everyday. And it wasn't 12 hours later that I step my foot back home. In this case, how do I prepare food daily? I was giving pureed sweet potato, pumpkin and carrots which were frozen into small baby cube containers. My mother-in-law would heat them up before serving it to my baby. But as she grew, pureed food wasn't enough. As I moved to feed protein (chicken, fish), the idea of feeding frozen porridge with fish or chicken wasn't really appealing.

So, I devised a solution. After much researching, I invested in two kitchen gadgets. I now thank myself for making this decision earlier and not wait for the immense need for it to arrive. What tools?

A slow cooker and a hand blender.

Honestly, this is by far the best investment I have made to prepare my baby food. I did buy a mini food steamer but it was only useful when my baby was into pureed food. As she went into more coarse type of food, the steamer lost its usefulness though I still use it to steam fruits to be pureed which can be added into breakfast cereal for my baby,

I bought the 1.5L Morgan slow cooker from Lazada. Every night, I will place washed brown rice, some vegetables and some pieces of protein into the slow cooker,.After filling it up with enough water, I'll set the cooker to "Low" settings. 

The next morning, the porridge will be ready. All I have to do is stick my Philips hand blender in, and mash up the contents. My hand blender has 16 different speed settings, plus a turbo option. I usually will set it to level 1 settings, which will blend the porridge in a coarse consistency. 

And because it is a stainless steel hand blender, I don't have to cool the porridge down or transfer it to different container. A quick stir, and I'm done. The slow cooker will keep the porridge warm until it's needed.

This allowed me to cook porridge for my baby girl everyday, with different flavours and ingredients. The amount is usually half pot, which is enough for 2 feedings, or 3 at most. But what I like about these tools?

I don't necessarily use it for making baby food alone :) Cleaning up is just SO easy. Because of the ceramic pot, the slow cooker is just so easy to clean, without even much effort. The hand blender just needs a quick rinse under tap water, and it's done! Phew! Who invents these things?!

The Birth Story - Part 3

As the pain got worse, I clenched on the sides of the bed each time the contraction comes in. Anand then stepped in to sort things out.

He somehow persuaded me to use gas which is basically some sort of option that makes you believe that you're not in labor pain even though you really are. It's a good hallucinating experience. But the gas did not make my pain go away. My mind was just too strong to be tricked. 

Epidural was the last option available. I resisted. Anand insisted. I finally gave in when he told me, taking epidural doesn't make me any less of a mother and not taking one doesn't make me a superior mother. We got the anaesthetics in immediately, and along with intense contraction pain, I persevered the electrifying epidural procedure. 

But, boy was I RELIEVED! As I started experiencing numbness in my lower body, I slowly started to relax. The contraction was there, but the pain isn't. I felt so, so relaxed and glad that I took the epidural option. I managed to catch some nap, because I was relaxed, I dilated even quicker. 

Around 7.30pm, my gynae came announced I'm finally ready to greet my baby. I was dilated enough to go for normal delivery. The midwives and doctor started preparing me for the delivery. 

Anand was very excited and got his camera ready. The doctor joked to him that it is still long way to go and it will take hours before the baby comes out. He responded that he didn't mind waiting but wanted to be "ready".

It did not take hours.

Well it seemed like hours for me. But really, it was just 20 minutes or so.

Baby ma was out before Anand could even get the camera settings right! She came out squirming, and looked really beautiful to me. I carried her for a while before she was whisked away for the usual tests. Anand followed baby ma, while the doctor gets the rest of things done.

She weighed 3.71kg. Around 50cm long. Tall baby, eh? Of course! :P

But something was not right. That's how I decoded when the nurse came in to inform the doctor they have to bring Baby Ma to NICU. I wanted to follow her, but my legs were still numb. I can't walk yet and I had to be bedridden. Anand did all the running around.

He came back and told me everything was ok. But I knew something was just not right.

Giving a head start

My girl has spent almost every day of her life with only 3 people. My mother-in-law, my husband and myself. Every other people are just hi-bye. It got me really worried because I feel she started losing out on social life.

Her cousins are way back in Penang whom she only got to meet once. Lack of interaction with people has made my girl lose out a bit on social communication and that kept ringing alarms in my head every night.

I have heard a lot about baby playgroups and baby gyms. Most of these places take babies as young as 6 months old. Some even start out earlier - 3 months, or even earlier. I wasn't too keen enrolling my baby at such a young age given the fact she hardly has her immune built. I can't be spending every week taking care of a sick baby, can I? :P

As my baby approached her 9-month old birthday, I started scouting around for a good playgroup for her. Gymboree and Kindermusik were to choices that I had which was within my budget. I had my own reasons why I narrowed down to only 2 options. There are aplenty of options out there, which are either too expensive for me or too exhaustive for the baby. And I don't want to be the kiasu mother wanting her baby's right brain developed more than the left brain. I wanted normal development :)

So, after discussing with my husband, I scheduled for trial classes with Kindermusik and Gymboree. 

Kindermusik trial was ok. I went to the centers's HQ at PJ, somewhat near the SS2 mall and not too far from my own office. Location wise, the place is within reach on weekends. For weekdays, forget it. I know how terrible the traffic is. The center was at triple-storey (I think) shop-lot. After registration, a lady escorted us to a room few floors up. Since Baby Ma is less than 18 months old, she can only enrol in a program called Kindermusik Village. There were 3 other registered babies and 2 babies on trial pass. The class concentrates on singing, dancing and playing with different instruments suitable for the babies. 

My verdict, it was just ok. I did not enjoy the class. Although my baby was actively crawling around, she was just curious. There is nothing much that she can do. I sing quite badly, and my dance moves are equally terrible, so it wasn't really a good start for me. The choice of activities are just about music, and teacher guides parents on ways to bond with their child. The entire class duration was 45 minutes. What I liked about the class was the size - it was at a manageable size, closed environment. What I didn't like was how judgemental the teacher was towards my baby. She did not make an effort to find out how old she is and assumed she is a toddler - and was giving out comments or remarks that did not make me feel my baby was in right hands.

Kindermusik classes goes by semesters. Each semester consists of 8 classes, and you pay by semester. You can't replace missed classes. This was a setback for me, because sometime, I travel or have to attend some functions - if I can't replace missed classes, it's a big turnoff for me. Fees are around the region of 500++ per semester which includes some materials (book, CDs), course fee and registration fee.

Next was Gymboree trial class which we attended today at Bangsar Village. We eventually signed up for this. The classes consists of play, music and arts (they also have yoga and sports but not for my baby's age group). Each of the class are split into several levels based on the baby's age. For my baby's age (at 10 months old) she was enrolled in the Level 3 play class for the trial. I particularly liked this, because she gets to mingle with kids of her own age group. How do you expect a 10-month-old to talk to a 3-month-old? So the levels are really good to start with. The class size was quite big (around 9-10 kids were there). But I was told there is a limit to the size (15?) 

There were lots of activities areas for babies in the play class, Every 2 weeks the theme changes so that the kids have something new to learn. I don't know yet whether the themes get repeated, but it's a good thing the environment gets a fresh boost every now and then. There were 2 packages available for us - Package A for 12 consecutive classes of one type of class which was worth RM1000 inclusive annual membership fees. Package B consists of 48 classes that cost us RM2.8k. We were given extra 4 classes for using HSBC card making the total number classes to 52 - which are valid for a year and we can mix and match play, music and arts classes. Additional 10 playgym vouchers were given as well. Honestly, this was much cheaper than Kindermusik option.

Class verdict, my baby loved it as much as I did. There were plenty of babies of the same age group, parents who are at the same boat as I am and there were good amount of activity areas for babies. The teachers are attentive, trying very best to spend time with all the kids. The environment seems to foster more active communication and even from day 1, I can see my baby trying to "communicate" tots around. It was amusing. :)

When I was a kid, I never really had these exposure. But I'm sure my parents would have given it to me if only it was available then. The amount of money spent is not cheap. I used to open my mouth wide when people tell me their kids daycare or kindergarten fees comes up to 300++ per month for their 4-year-olds. Well, I just invested into something worth 200++/month for my child - all in the hope it gives her a good childhood head start. Am I going over the board? Naah... this is the best that my husband and I can give...for now... :) 

Three years...

We had an entire lifetime ahead of us and yet God decided to tear us apart. I still find it difficult to accept you are no longer here. No longer here for me.

The image of you being carried out from mortuary, lifeless, cold, pale is still in my mind. How I tried very hard to put on a brave front. Wanted to show you that I'll be strong enough to handle everything. Just in case you were hiding some where playing the fool with me, running some trial run to see how I would persevere the moment when you are no longer around.

But then it was real. It was not a trial run. I lost all sense of time. I was just lost. Today I'm missing you as much as I have always been. It still feels unfair that you were taken away so soon. It hurts so much thinking I could have done more than what I did. The image of you breathing your last breath... And letting go of your life... Our future.... in front of me is still in my head. It haunts me until today. I can never erase the memories.

I know you're watching me all the time. I wish sometimes that you would show up. So that I can cry on your shoulders. How everything was not what it seems.

I still slow down and glance at the hospital where we spent 2 years of our time. Everyday hoping for miracle. You knew it was a death sentence and yet you still fought. That was valuable lesson for me. Nothing is over until it was really over. Till then keep fighting.

Every single day was a blessing wasn't it? We had no dreams of making it big. We had no dreams of being popular. We had no dreams of being rich.

We only had dreams of going back to our home and sleep on our bed. Dreams of taking a walk in the park. Catch a movie or watch sunsets. Even that remained as unattainable dream.

Today marks the third year of my life without you. And I know you are with me.

The Birth Story - Part 2

My mother-in-law insisted she followed us. My intention was to just get my pain checked. After all my follow-up check up was just 2 days away. I was really positive the hospital would just send me back home.

During my ante-natal class, we were told that in the event of contraction pain or any sort of pain, we were supposed to head straight to the delivery suite, not the Emergency Department. I don't think my water broke, and we were not in a hurry. I was still able to walk :)

Anand took his time to reach the hospital, just because I told him so. By the time we reached Bangsar (which normally would take only 10 minutes for him) it was already 15 minutes past 11pm - 10th of December. We parked the car at the hospital basement and only brought what is needed with us, leaving the bags and the rest of our "hospital must-haves" behind.

We took the lift and headed to the delivery ward. I informed the nurse in charge that I was having contraction with short intervals and experienced some stabbing pain. She took some details and guided me to the delivery room. In Pantai Hospital, there are only single delivery rooms. If you're admitted and are in active labor, that's where you'll be placed until the baby comes screaming :) The delivery suite has a bed, some machines and place for 2 people to sit and accompany the mother in pain. There is also an attached bathroom with hot shower. It was very comfortable.

My mother in law stayed by my side all the time. It was very late and yet she tried to be awake to take care of me. The mid-wife then came in a short while later and hooked my belly with foetal heart monitor as well as contraction monitor. She then came back after a while to check how far I've dilated. I was being monitored for almost an hour, well into midnight the next day - 11th of December.

The contraction pain by now was getting stronger and I had the inkling it's going to be a long night. The mid-wife checked on me again. She informed me that I am in active labor and that I have dilated 3 cm. She also gave my doctor a call to update on my condition. My doctor has advised the mid-wife to get me admitted and monitored! It was 1am, Anand went down to the admission counter to get me admitted and handle all the necessary arrangements. And I was hungry.

Like I said, it was a long night... I was given the hospital robe, which I wore just for the experience of it. Anand stayed with me the entire night, while we asked my mother in law to get back home first. She promised to bring some chicken soup for me in the morning. Since I was being strapped to the monitors and what not, I could hardly go anywhere. Several hours later, the mid-wife came to check again - I was dilated by 4cm.

It was 7am when my doctor came. She was happy that I went into labor naturally and that she didn't have to induce me. She checked and confirmed I was still dilated around 4cm. The progress was slow, but she assured me that I will deliver on the same day, no doubt about it. She broke my water bag. I felt warm gush of liquid and was so afraid to get up. My doctor however encouraged me to get up, and get walking to speed up the process.

And so I did all sorts of stunts that I thought would help ease my labor - much to Anand's amusement. He took pictures, lots of it, of me walking up and down the ward corridor. Of me squatting and standing to ease the pain. Of me with serious look. Of me with i'm-going-to-choke you look.

As the clock ticked away my contraction pain got more intense and more frequent. It was unbearable. Anand wanted me to opt for pain reliever. I refused, wanting to experience childbirth no matter how painful it gets.  But then it got worse. 

The Lone Ranger

I really don't know where to start. At times, I think I'm just better off at some point of my life. But sometimes, I'm not. Rant warning ahead.

Loneliness crept in quietly. I miss every single part of myself. The times I spent reading books. The times I spent buying things for myself. The times I spent caring for myself.

It hurts being lonely when you know there are people around you. And you must understand being lonely is not the same as wanting to be alone. Sometimes, all of us need a breather - we want to do things at our own pace. It keeps us connected to ourselves. But most of the time, we just want companion.

It is very tiring - the routine after my confinement is just tiring. Weekends are tiring. Weekdays are equally exhaustive. I do enjoy being a mother to my little darling - she is such an angel and at the end of the day, she's the one thing that makes me wanting to go on. Giving me that one purpose in life to persevere and keep moving forward. Knowing that she wants my companion more than anything else without even having to tell me, speaks volumes about love.

Wanting to be constantly held and touched just goes on to show that human beings' love needs are just simple - a hug, a smile, a peck on the cheek.

My baby gets cranky when she doesn't feel the love. But then she's a baby - she has all the right to be so. But are adults given such allowances? No, I don't think so. And we go on living thinking things will get fixed on its own. Well, they don't.

I'm at times lost. I have to work very hard every day. Nothing I have now came easy. To be where I am now, I had worked hard day and night. And, I've made many sacrifices for the ones I love. There are only two types of people that I know now in my life. The one that knows I've made sacrifices and tries to make my life better. And the other one who doesn't.

One thing that I'm really not a big fan of is being taken for granted. We have another day to say sorry. We have another day to say they matter. We can take a day off someday to show we care. We have forever to show love to one another. We have more important problems to face than saying nice things.

I've gone through a point in my life that taught me every day is a blessing - a gift - another opportunity to do something for the ones you care. Every morning when I got up, I thanked God for giving me another to live. Life is just too precious - you'll never know when the countdown to death begins. I have been through that stage. It was scary - every minute of it. Living with no future is scary. But living worrying about future? It is even scarier. 

No one said life is smooth. Human life is very dynamic. Today we're here - we can find thousand and one fault in others. Tomorrow, that person may no longer be there.