Let's end 2011

With this quote from the movie Braveheart (courtesy of a kind-hearted soul who trusted me enough to lend the Blu-Ray copy!):

Every man dies, not every man really lives.

Happy 2012! =)

Countdown to 2012

My final resolution for 2011 - to get Buster fixed!

And mission accomplished! Victory never felt so good! :)

Comes with a hefty damage to my purse though - but it's all worth it. I spent last week getting the engine fixed. Today, I spent the entire day getting the tyre, headlamps and number plate fixed. Came back home and gave Buster a good wash. Tiring day but it was well worth the effort.

Let's review 2011

Exactly a year ago, I wrote five things that I wanted to achieve by the end of 2011. So I'll start with these five things first:

1) One photo, one day - Also known as 365 project.
Status: Failed.

2) One book, one month.
Status: Neutral. I did buy lots of books, but never really followed monthly reading habit.

3) One stuff, one year.
Status: Failed.

4) One skill, one year.

Status: Failed.

5) One country, one year

Status: Failed.

So I guess, nothing much huh? Alright, I'll figure out something soon :)

What was 2011 for me?

It was a challenging year. I literally lived through a nightmare when Sathyan was admitted in the GICU due to severe blood infection after a round of final chemo dose prior to his bone marrow transplant - his second admission! I fought my way through to save him again - generally no one gets a second admission in GICU, but Sathyan did, because I fought a good fight for him. I knew, if someone has to do it, it has to be me - his wife. The doctors were so sure he will not make it, and gave me the probability of him surviving to 0%. Yes, zero chance. I rebutted, "Trust me, and he'll make it. Just give him two days."

He did. Such strong determination he had.

And he lived a good happy life for full 5 months. I got back to my work when he was out of the hospital and I started picking up traces of my career that I left behind for more than a year. It was challenging - juggling work and love. But, I was glad I had all the support I needed from my parents, sisters and my best friends. The biggest blow came to me when Sathyan breathed his last in my arms. The vision is so vivid - my mind and heart went numb. And it stayed that way for another two weeks. But then, Sathyan left me in good hands :)

My friends helped to pull me out from a severe depression state - I was shown the direction. I started picking up pieces of my broken life and started building a new one from where I left. It was probably the biggest and most challenging experience ever. I once read somewhere, that you'll never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have. Very true. I learned that I have a strange power within that made me recover so soon. Thanks to Puspa, my best friend, I discovered that power. :)

I learned that life is really precious. I used to thank God everyday when I wake up that I still have my Sathyan next to me. When he was taken away, I was angry at first, but then I learned that I was probably the luckiest girl alive today :) I married a perfect man! A perfect husband! Impossible? Well, then you've never met my Sathyan. I thanked God everyday for giving me a perfect man and a perfect marriage - it was good while it lasted. 

Life goes on. By the time I managed to pull myself together and put my life back on the right track, it was already approaching the dawn of 2012! I know Sathyan has guided me all the way through. I live life to the fullest now - I do things that my heart says right and keep my sanity in check all the time. Well, at least I try to.

Some good things are appearing to me finally, but I know I would have to wade another huge wave before I can get what I wanted. 2012 looks promising though, and I hope by this time next year I would be sitting down to write how wonderful the year have been in 2012. =)

That too if the world doesn't end by then. Haha..

There's no beginning and no ending

It began where it ended. It ended where it began. Confusing life isn't it?

That's how my mind is right now. I am confused. Very.

Very.

Sometimes, you just wish some things don't happen but when it does you're glad it did. Then comes a point that tells you whether this is right? Am I doing the right thing? Some tells yes, some tells no. Heart says go, brain says what, no! As you spend endless nights figuring out what's the best for you, suddenly a single twist of event throws you back to where you started.

I look at my life with a simple principle - what makes me happy? Of course it has always been, what makes Sathyan happy (first) then comes what makes me happy. Almost always, anything that makes him happy, will definitely make me happy. Now, it's just me and that's a good thing, I believe. It's easier for me to make decisions. :)

About couple of months back, I went to Singapore. My dad was totally against it, because I told him I was bringing Sathyan with me. It was a time when Sathyan was finally out of hospital and was yearning to get out and explore. I know it wouldn't be too difficult for me to give him that. :) So I did all the arrangements, spoke to his primary doctor, got all the approval ready and we were ready to board. Yet, my dad was still furious. He was worried about Sathyan's safety more than anything else (more than his own daughter's, if I may emphasis :)). He ended his argument with his famous warning words, "Do whatever you want. If anything happens, YOU are responsible. Don't expect me to fix anything for you."

I know how much it meant for my husband who was confined within hospital walls for more than 18 months. My heart told me the trip will make him happy and that in turn will make me happy too. So, against my dad's will for the first time in my life, we went. I kept a positive outlook that everything will be OK. It was Sathyan's last trip. 

I am glad I followed what my heart told me - I knew what will make me happy and Sathyan enjoyed himself so much. He loved being out there taking photographs. I fulfilled his wish to take a night shot of the Marina Bay. He almost couldn't, wanting to give up - but I kept pushing him, because I knew it was something that he always wanted to do. We did target for a dusk shot, but at least this is better than nothing. :)

Marina Bay night shot by Sathyan Ram

He had the best Nasi Lemak of his life (best in my life too) at Singapore's 60's Food Trail. The two of us had the best time of our lives in Singapore. Despite his illness which was never cured, he managed to walk, jump, run and still massage my feet by the end of the day (because he knew how much I tried to catch up with him :)). He was so full of life. Some probably heard the term live life like there's no tomorrow. My Sathyan showed me how to do it :)

So, that single experience taught me a valuable lesson in my life. We often worry unnecessarily (like how my dad reacted). More often we conclude something might just fail even before trying it.What if I get lost? What if it gets delayed? What if it doesn't arrive? What if it doesn't work? What if it fails? The worse thing that can happen to anyone's life is their own death. If you're already dying, then nothing else matters.

"Just Live." - Sathyan

Note: I know I have been posting a lot about Sathyan this past few weeks, as much as I tried not to. It's just hard for me to look at my life without having him in it. I may have moved on, but he will always be a part of my life. Hence, if you're still reading this blog - put up with it please :P

On Love

Anbilaar ellaam thamakkuriyar; 
Anbudaiyaar enbum uriyar pirarkku.

- Thirukural

What it means:

Those without affection in their hearts will keep all they have for themselves; The tender-hearted will even give away their bones.

In other words:

One who doesn't love is possessive about everything; One who loves would even be willing to part with their bones.

Happy - John Lennon

Remembering Sathyan

I often find it hard to explain the kind of relationship Sathyan and I shared. Simple words just doesn't do the justice. And then came this song. Which explained oh-so-perfectly the depth of our beautiful relationship. When I listened and tried to absorb the meaning of each line, only one person comes to my mind - Sathyan :)

Last night, he came to visit me :) Sigh... such a wonderful husband - he knows exactly when I needed him.

This song is my perfect dedication to my love. In a week's time, it's his 33rd birthday and our 4th year wedding anniversary. Happy Birthday Pa and Happy Anniversary :)

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

இருளில் கண்ணீரும் எதற்கு..
மடியில் கண்மூட வா..
அழகே இந்த சோகம் எதற்கு..
நான் உன் தாயும் அல்லவா..

உனக்கென மட்டும் வாழும் இதயமடி
உயிர் உள்ள வரை நான் உன் அடிமையடி

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா

அழுதால் உன் பார்வையும்
அயந்தால் உன் கால்களும்
அதிகாலையில் கூடலில் சோகம் தீர்க்கும் போதுமா
நிழல் தேடிடும் ஆண்மையும்
நிஜம் தேடிடும் பெண்மையும்
ஒரு போர்வையில் வாழும் இன்பம்
தெய்வம் தந்த சொந்தமா
என் ஆழுள் ரேகை நீயடி என் ஆணி வேரடி
சுமை தாங்கும் எந்தன் கண்மணி
எனை சுடும் பணி..

உனக்கென மட்டும் வாழும் இதயமடி
உயிர் உள்ள வரை நான் உன் அடிமையடி

பிறை தேடும் இரவிலே உயிரே
எதை தேடி அலைகிறாய்
கதை சொல்ல அழைக்கிறேன் உயிரே
அன்பே நீ வா..

விழியின் அந்த தேடலும்
அலையும் உந்தன் நெஞ்சமும்
புரிந்தாலே போதுமே ஏழு ஜென்மம் தாங்குவேன்
அனல் மேலே வாழ்கிறாய்
நதி போலே பாய்கிறாய்
ஒரு காரணம் இல்லையே மீசை வைத்த பிள்ளையே
இதை காதல் என்று சொல்வதா?
நிழல் காய்ந்து கொள்வதா
தினம் கொள்ளும் இந்த பூமியில்,
நீ வரும் வரும் இடம்..

On Thoughtfulness

Sometimes, among the many things you get on your birthday, a wish that comes from the heart is probably the best gift ever. :) Sharing three of the best I received.

What runs in their mind?

I wrote this post in my previous blog on November 24th, 2010 at 11.47pm. As I was reading my old posts, I felt this one is worth a re-post. Sometimes, we take things for granted - we often forget that what goes round, comes around too. One of the invaluable experiences I gained while I was staying at the hospital caring for my husband for one and half years was the value of human interactions and emotions. Death was an everyday event. Pain was a common sight. Suffering was the norm. I suddenly recalled about an old man that I met while at the hospital and I remembered I wrote about him.

It's important to know that, you don't have to wait for someone to become bedridden in order to care for them. :) Start with the one you love.

---

Next to me is a 75-year-old man, bed-ridden because his left leg went through a surgery which required him to be tied to some metal rings. The most he can do is to pull himself up to a sitting position with some help from the metal bars next to his bed.

His children admitted him at the hospital with a maid whom I assume is responsible to be his caregiver. She is supposed to bathe him, feed him, ensure he takes his medicine on time, change his diapers and empty his urinal bottle. Also, I assume she is being paid to attend to his every need (medically) at any time of the day. At least, this is what I understand from the old man.

But what happened? The maid, despite being paid to do what she is supposed to do, wasn't doing her job very well. She scolds the old man, she does her work halfheartedly. As I'm typing this, she was asleep when the old man kept calling her name to help him change diapers. And she shouted at him for disturbing her. 

Being bed-ridden is often not by choice. These people, as much as they hated, really do not wish to depend on others for help especially when they are used to do things on their own - like going to the loo. They don't want to wake another person up in the middle of the night just to ask for urinal or a change of diapers. They don't want to wait for someone to feed them and watch the food turn cold right in front of their eyes, with intense hunger pain, and do nothing about it. They really don't want. 

But they have no choice. I wish more caregiver could understand this. Though nurses are trained to be patient and careful with their bedridden patients, not all of them are. When my husband was in HDA, there was one particular nurse who would scold him with words that hurt even a normal healthy person. And the worst part was, my husband had a hole in his throat which made him bedridden and also voiceless. He could not even tell me how he was being treated. But at the same ward, there was another nurse who did everything she could to keep my husband comfortable and well-taken care of. 

If you are caring for a bedridden patient, then please tell yourself this - the person you are caring for doesn't want to trouble you or anyone else. They hated calling you for help as much as you hated being called for a billion times in a day. But they had no choice. And they are grateful for every little you give to them. These patients are humans too - they have the same amount of emotion and turbulence in their mind as much as you do. Do respect them. 

It really saddens me to see bedridden patients who are being treated in inhuman ways. More often they wish to die not because they are sick and bedridden, but it's because they had to depend on someone who don't wish to help them.

Mayakkam Enna? (Why Dizzy?)

So aptly titled. Well you will go dizzy for sure after watching this movie. It is so full of twists!

[SPOILER ALERT!] :)

First of all, let me warn you - what follows next may contain spoiler bits, so if you're planning to catch this movie this weekend, stop reading and go do something else. And come back some other day when you think you've finally finished watching the movie. There you go spoiler #1 - it really is a movie that felt it took days for me to finish watching. Of course it was for only three hours. It just felt that long - days long. So long that at one point I thought the movie ended - but it was just the intermission. Even Lord Of the Rings didn't feel this long!

Ok, moving on to why I decided to watch the movie. I am such a choosy person when it comes to movie. When I spend money for entertainment, it has to be worth it - worth my money and my time. So there must be some form of ROI involved. This movie is about an aspiring photographer, how he met his wife and how the two of them - as husband and wife - stood through the test of time.

What I liked about this movie is the visuals. It's exactly like viewing from the camera's viewfinder. For me, the world looks surprisingly different from a camera's viewfinder, so this movie can definitely show you how that world looks like :)

Secondly, the movie somehow reminds me of my relationship with Sathyan. :) Of course, minus the physical abuse and drinking habits and the violence and verbal abuse. There you go, spoiler alert #2. There is this one song in the movie that shows what kind of things a photographer's wife would do (or rather had to do) and I just couldn't stop smiling.

Also, the movie portrayed how crazy we photographers are! Yes, you want to know how crazy we can get? Watch this movie and find out. The first part of the movie was really entertaining - very funny! Especially the first song - voda voda voda :)

Alright, moving to what I didn't find quite amusing - the second part of the movie is quite eerie. Suddenly it turned to something sad and scary. And a lot of things started not to make sense. I felt the director was trying to imply that even if your husband abuses - physically or emotionally - you still have to be this good wife who had to endure everything and stay in marriage. I'm totally against this - I don't think anyone should withstand abuse in any form. The movie went on to show that if you stay long enough good thing will happen. 

Yes, in the movie world, not in mortal world like ours. People will never change, they are what they are and that's how it is. Suck it up and deal with it rationally. If you have always been afraid of cockroaches, you will always be afraid of cockroaches. Do you think one day you will wake up and find out suddenly you are no longer scared of those damn, good-for-nothing God's creation? I'm sure you will not. Well, I won't for sure. So there, spoiler #3 - Leena hates cockroaches. :)

Overall, the ending was heartwarming. My advice is, if you plan to catch this movie (in case you're still reading despite the warnings), do it at the cinema. The reason is simple - you will never watch it in full from a DVD - you'd be too tempted to fast forward. Haha :)

Next on my list, Nanban! :)

A rose without thorns..

...  is like love without heartbreak - it doesn't make sense. 

And so what am I without the dearest of my dear friends? (I would probably make more sense, maybe?) :)

My birthday cake this year from the devils! :)

Prior to my birthday (which happened to be yesterday), I wasn't really looking forward of celebrating it. It's just never the same without Sathyan - the master of surprise planner in our group. Every year he will organize massive dinner plans, inviting every single person near and dear to me - to shower me with love and smother my face with cake! Even when it is his birthday, I'll get the cake all over my face - somehow! Every restaurant that we go to will definitely end up in disaster. 

Cakes everywhere except on our plates and stomach.

I still remember the time he made me stand on a chair, sing a song at a pepper mill and blow my birthday candles almost two feet away while still standing on a chair at a restaurant! Oh, not to forget the time he tried his best to cook something up for me on my birthday and the best he came up with was egg and cheese sandwich - which still had egg shells in it. It was really cute! The look on his face when I pulled out the egg shell, was priceless. I still ate it :)

I celebrated my last birthday with him last year - at that time I didn't know it will be our last celebration together. Yes, even at the hospital the cake got on my face as well...

I'm forever grateful for the wonderful girls who has always been with me and made my life and day much brighter yesterday. I thought I would be sitting in a corner of my room, keeping to myself and cry from the break of dawn till the wee hours of midnight. But that wasn't the case. And I am also so very deeply grateful they did not waste the Baskin Robbins cake on my face or the floor! It would have killed me instantly to see an ice cream cake die tragically outside my mouth!

So here's a BIG thank you to everyone who made it a wonderful day. I know Sathyan is smiling - he left me in good hands. :) But sorry girls, I still cannot promise a place in heaven for all of you though (I know my place is already reserved :P).

We had lunch at Golden Triangle - Sathyan's favorite restaurant. I could just feel him all around me yesterday :) My favorite was the prawn of course. Here's a picture of the big juicy prawns we had (I finished most of it anyway).

Yes, that wasn't the kind of treat Sathyan would give, was it? I know, I know... So, I will plan for a better one. He's going to be so proud of me. ;)

Pictures taken using SGS2.

Sometimes I wish, some things last...

Sathyan's last birthday wish - for me.

One Sunday Morning

Copyright Leena Ganesh

Finally, I made the time to get back into my photography. I took this picture today morning at Penang Hill, while the morning dew still fresh - the whole place felt rejuvenated. Best viewed large.

 Copyright Leena Ganesh

 Copyright Leena Ganesh

I woke up at 4.30am today to catch the sunrise but it was a cloudy morning, unfortunately. It was also drizzling. After much attempt (my first attempt to shoot during twilight hours) I felt I did a pretty good job with the picture below. I wouldn't go on bragging how awesome the picture is (I know it's not :P) but I felt a sense of satisfaction looking at my final result - a picture taken without a tripod! Sathyan would have been proud of me - I've honored his last wish :)

Copyright Leena Ganesh

Introducing my Senshie

An unexpected birthday gift from a friend - Sennheiser HD229. Well, it's about time I upgraded my current earphones and this headphone came as a savior!

I named it Senshie. Loving it very, very much :)

Iridescent

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

- Linkin Park

Worth the wait!

Coming soon! *all smiles now*

Upgrading time!

I am probably the worst person alive (after Puspa) who fail badly in keeping up with fashion and trends. It's not that I'm not interested. I just never bothered. Well, both literally mean the same thing but they actually don't. For me.

I certainly don't make sense sometimes. IT zombies are always like that.

Anyway, I realized the last I bought any decent shoes was 3 years ago. Bags? Bleah. Lipsticks? Errmm...

Nail polish? All dried up...

So, these past few weeks I've been trying to spend some time to upgrade myself, or rather the things I own and use. I ended up buying two pairs of new shoes - Hush Puppies and Crocs, two bags - Sembonia and Guy Laroche and a bunch of Revlon products spending mainly on nail polishes! :)

Yes, those stuff burned a huge hole in my pocket but they can definitely last me for another 2-3 years. So I see it as an investment. Like how some men see cars as a form of investment.

Which brings me to the next topic - my car. Buster needs a serious repair and upgrade. It has been 7 years and I'm really surprised it made it this far. It's just amazing. After all the abuse wear and tear it had to go through...

I am not at the point of changing cars yet, but I did have plans seven years ago to get a new car in 2011. But it looks like there are some delays in this plan. So, hopefully 2012 could bring a fresh, better looking Buster home. :)

Today My Life Begins

Life in a movie

Have you ever watched Hindi movies where the flashbacks of an ex-lover or someone dead comes up so real that the person thinking about them could actually touch them?

Mohabbatein is one such movie. I have no idea how SRK could actually dance with Aishwarya so realistically when she was actually dead throughout the movie. How I wish it's the same for us, mere mortals out here living our lives outside the movie world. How nice...

Sometimes I become this looney girl who speaks to herself in her car. While driving to and fro work most of the time. And who am I talking to? Sathyan, of course. Sometimes, when something interesting or exciting happens, the first person that I wish I could share is with him. It makes me so mad that with all the advances we have in our world today, no one actually tried to figure out how to connect "wireless"-ly to the other world. It would have made it easier for me to maintain my long-distance relationship with Sathyan. :)

I really hope Sathyan and Steve Jobs are doing something about it, now that both of them are in heaven!

I miss him all the time and once in a while a memory gushes in and takes over my brain and common sense. I even thought of cloning him but somehow no amount of DNA samples that I have in store is enough for the "experts" to bring him back alive - even then it would have been too risky; the outcome could be disastrous, so I was told!

Why didn't God create another copy of him? Someone who looks like him and has all his attributes and surprisingly single. Like how it happened in Kaho Na Pyaar Hai.How come all these happens in movies alone?

Why God, why didn't you make a backup copy of my husband? 

In case you did, where is he? Tell me, tell me! :P

I've learned by Andy Rooney

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

 I've learned that opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned that love, not time, heals all wounds.

The Due Date

As I stepped into 2011, my heart was filled with hope. My brain was filled with wisdom. My life was filled with revelations.

I had planned so many things for this year, but as I go through each and every one of it, I feel nothing but sad. Disappointed in fact. Deeply depressed.

Alright, I was exaggerating :P

But that does not mean the feeling that 'I have not achieved anything big this year" is not there. As the time to draw curtain for this year gets closer, the feeling gets even more intense. 

I have not achieved anything big, but I certainly have lost something huge. Somehow, it's like drowning in a deep, choppy sea but miraculously being saved by someone who still wants you to be around. Grief after the death of a loved one is probably the hardest feeling one has to overcome and I am definitely lucky that I made through the hardest part. Well that's what I thought!

Fate has a funny way of meddling with my life. Trouble seems to find me somehow, no matter what I do to avoid being sucked into the poison well. Ah yes, twists and turns are part of anyone's life and so far I have been through the worst, so let's see what else could possibly be harder! :))

On trusts

Last week, I had the privilege to attend a 2-day training on dynamic work habits which is basically about the habits of highly effective people. 

My favorite take away is the quote mentioned by the trainer:

"Trust has to be earned."

One of the most fragile aspect of being human is our ability to trust. A broken trust is probably the hardest substance in the world that you can try to patch back, but it will never be the same - again. There are few things that happened these past few days that made me realize how true this is.

One of the things I value most in my relationship with anyone is privacy and personal integrity. I highly value these basic human rights because that's what we are - we're human. We have the right to have our own privacy. And when we selectively confer someone with some information that is highly private for us - we trust this person to keep it that way. But what happens when someone breaches this trust and exploits the privacy? Isn't it a way to lose one's integrity? Where are your moral values as a civilized human?

See how easy it is to spot someone not worthy of your time?

For me, even sharing of my phone screen lock password with anyone is highly offensive - I'm hard-coded that way. That's what my job is about. Every day I work with thousands of records and data that has millions of customer information. Often I've came across cases where bank-related information were entered in incorrect fields which makes it very readable (it's purely human error). But I was trained to be a person with the highest form of integrity, so it is my responsibility to safeguard these information (I often mask out sensitive data before it reaches the wrong hands). See how crucial this attribute is? 

What if you sent your credit card information to a friend (to buy something for you) and another person reads his/her email (probably through a saved/shared password) - imagine if it was read by someone who makes unethical use of your private information? Just imagine the consequences!

Would you trust that person again?

I was out shopping with Puspa yesterday at Parkson. The salesgirl that we were dealing with took the items Puspa bought to the nearest cashier for her and it just so happens to be the queue was very long! Leaving Puspa queuing up at the cashier counter (typically Malaysian you see, we don't want to lose either way), the salesgirl and I went to check whether the opposite cashier (which was partially hidden) is open. The salesgirl gave a quick look and said to me it's closed. I was sure it's not.

So I walked further towards the cashier counter and saw a small girl sitting there, waiting for customers to come! There were none! I verified with the cashier girl whether the counter is open and she said yes! So lesson learned?

Trust is good but verify is better. :)

Catchy tunes

Ever had one of those moments where the song just does not want to leave your brain? It just sits there, playing and rewinding, then playing again. It seems like the first thing that comes to your mind when you wake up is not what day it is, but why-is-this-song-still-playing-in-my-head realization?

I had such instances lately, and not surprisingly, my CD player in the car loops the same song when I go to work - that's 45 minutes of the same song playing over and over again! Can someone enlighten me why such phenomenon (if that's the right word for it) occurs to human alone?

The current song that is stuck in my head: Chammak Challo! And there are so many versions of it! I wonder who is the choreographer for its video.

On priority

One of the best things that happened to me is being on someone else's priority list...and that too at number one spot.

It's a feeling that tells you there is someone who will always stop doing whatever they were doing and concentrate on you or your requests. Isn't it nice?

My that someone is now gone. And ever since he left, I always feel that I'm being neglected by everyone else. I'm saying this based on things that has been happening for the past few days.

I'm definitely not screaming for any attention, or in other words, anyone's attention. But at least, thinking everything will be alright or, "she's big enough to take care of herself" thoughts sometimes may not be true.

Sometimes it's nice to know that there is someone who wants to make you coffee without being asked. Someone who buys you stuff for no reason. Someone who thinks you're the world for them. And you know you would do the same for them.

What Sathyan and I shared was a relationship deeper than marriage. It's very hard to explain how we enjoyed each other's company more than anything else. I miss him so much. Reality is starting to smack on my face with the fact that there is no one quite like him. I've came across many people in my life. But no one can ever put me in their number one spot like he did.

At times like this, I sit and wonder the whys of life... Why does it have to be him? Why us of all the couples out there? Why me? Whys of no answers...

I eat alone. I go shopping alone. I watch movies alone. I look at the stars alone. It's kinda sad to know that people actually feel sorry for me. Is that why so many people are inviting me to their house for Diwali this year despite knowing the fact I won't come? I wish I know...

Being neglected and forgotten is the worse thing that I have to go through now. I think it's better to be ignored by a stranger than someone you know. Isn't it?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

An app for everything

Today I found an amazing mobile application from Citrix. Citrix Client Receiver for Android. I call it amazing because with this nifty technology my work is now mobile!

I am now able to access almost everything I need to do my work using my phone. I can even remote into and reboot a server from my phone! I can run database queries, approve change tickets, run through my incidents and the list goes on. It's really cool.

Ok, here comes the best part. This application is not limited to Android alone. Those who has Blackberry, Windows, or even iPhone/iPad can use this and turn their mobiles for business use. I find it very useful, because now I don't have to carry my notebook around with me when I'm on-call. I can take care of everything from my phone alone. :)

Here's a picture of a remote server on my phone using Citrix Receiver. It is really awesome.

Now, I have all the reasons I need to get a tablet...soon!

It's Friday! I made it alive!

Work has been tight and Friday came today as a breather. Finally I had no meetings (had one but got cancelled) and I was not on-call. Of course I had lots of things to follow up and resolve, but today seemed much brighter than any other day.

I thought finally I could have a "free" Saturday tomorrow, but nope, that's not the case then! I have to go for work on Saturday and Sunday. I've been working for every single weekend for the past three weekends. On a brighter side, I'm glad I have my work to keep me occupied. It seems like a better thing to do than sit at home and look at the blank walls and... look at another wall. Haha...

Since it was Friday, Puspa and I decided to make it a day to ...erm.. celebrate... because...ermm... it's finally Friday, of course! So what did we do? We headed to Secret Recipe and bought a slice of cake each. Yummy!

Android Invasion!

Whenever I open some video on Android device review, I always see a really cute Android toy. Making me want it so much. Using Google, I found out there is an official distributor in Malaysia who accepts online orders!

Cool, huh?

I placed my order for two. One is the standard edition - the good 'ol green Android. The other one was an individual box from Android mini collectibles series 2 - which was kind of a mystery buy because every box looks the same so the sellers could not choose (hence I could not choose either when placing the order). So what did I get out of the 16 designs available? The Iceberg Android! Cool has a new meaning now, haha!

Pictures below. Hopefully I'll have more spare time this weekend to take more shots of my droids.

Shoot in RAW

"Always try to shoot in RAW".

Sathyan always tells me RAW is the best format to shoot, because you have the much needed freedom to control the exposure and other stuff when you open it in PC.

For those using Nikon imaging systems (like yours truly), this means NEF files. You can always use ViewNX to view these files but more often what I really want is to preview the NEF file before opening it in Photoshop (or any other photo editing software).

Today I found out there is actually a codec from Nikon that allows a thumbnail preview of the raw file in the explorer (I'm using Windows 7). It makes NEF files almost as easy as working with JPEG, which makes the word RAW less daunting now, doesn't it? :)

The codec can be downloaded from here. Happy previewing!

Quote for the day

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
-- Dr. Seuss

Another Lesson Learned

It was meant to be a happy meal... it was just a simple, Happy Meal...

Iced Milo that came with it was too little for me so I ordered one more. The cashier asked medium? I said, No, LARGE!

I came back home on Sunday night with bloated stomach. There was this urge to vomit everything, but I resisted because I was too tired and sleepy you see. And what happened the next day? Diarrhea 7 times, and I vomited probably 5 or 6 times through out the day. I did manage to drag myself to work but I couldn't even stand properly. Let alone using my brain. Stomach ache seemed more significant than any server that was down.

Nirmala took me to the nearest clinic and the doctor said it was food poisoning... my long lost enemy from 2005. I was given medical leave for 2 days and was asked to rest at home.

I feel slightly better today and I hope I can get back to work tomorrow morning. I better be because I'm on-call tomorrow. 

So lesson learned:

1) Never ever buy milk-based drinks from any vending machine. Because you'll never be able to find out when it expires.

2) Avoid frozen patties at all times. Which means, no more fast food burgers or nuggets for me. Ever. DOT.

It's raining

And I'm yearning for a good cup of coffee and a good book to read.

But instead, here I am, in front of my computer... dialed in to a conference call listening to an endless conversation on how things are breaking down and being fixed. For two days this is what I've been up to.

I keep looking at my books and wonder, when can I touch you again, O My Love?

I've done reading Water for Elephants (which was way awesome than the movie itself) and now looking for an equally good book to purchase. Any suggestions, drop me an email.

If this is your first visit to my blog...

...then, you'll find this post useful!

Welcome to my brand new blog! Well, the template, fonts and the look is still the same, but this is a new ME from now onwards.

I've decided to let go of my past by taking my previous blog off the Google radar. All these are part of my efforts to move on to a new life. The previous blog (2004-2011) is now resting in peace (well, accessible to me only).

This decision is not a move to forget what I've lost. It's a move to regain what I will lose if I don't move on. It took me an incomparable amount of strength and work to regain my self-confidence and I want to continue that by starting a new life, sharing it in my new blog. What has passed, is past and it shall remain as a bubble that is always there in my thoughts.

So as a tradition, my first post is always about me. So here it goes (which I wrote in 2004 by the way):

Things you should know about me:

1. I'm NOT looking for love. Don't send IM messages to me or email me thinking that I would be interested in developing a relationship with you. It'll never work, no matter how hard you try.


2. I'm NOT available as a free source to develop your website or develop some system for you (which in turn, you intend to sell for profit).


3. I'm NOT interested in any online business scheme you wish to offer to me. I'm happy with my job.


4. I DON'T offer sympathy to strangers who come out from nowhere in IMs or emails.


5. I like people who knows how to be happy -- no matter how hard their life could be.


6. DON'T tell me I look like someone you know (your ex-girlfriend, your mom, your sis, etc) or behave like one. I'm unique and I'm always different.


7. I DON'T go out with people I don't know. So don't ask me out.


8. I'm a Malaysian.


9. If you email me, DO let me know your blog/webpage URL (if you have one). I would love to visit them.


10. I'm single or not, you DON'T have to know.

Hey, I'm not chasing you away. :) I'm a nice person actually. I just want good friends. So the list above filters it. :D

---

No way to comment? Well, great blogs don't need comments. Or so I would like to assume and believe. You need feedback when you feel your posts are not complete enough. This blog is about me, so anything and everything about me is complete - as far as I know and concerned enough to know (I should know best, anyhow).

However, if you still want to tell me something, somehow, so badly, and it's making you to lose sleep - email me. I check my emails *almost* everyday but please do not expect any replies. I am very selective when it comes to replying emails.

---

Everything posted here remains here. Meaning to say, if you happen to meet me somewhere outside - make my day and stop talking about my blog to me. I wrote each and every word published here, what makes you think I won't remember any of it? If I want to discuss about it I would have given link to comment about it. Doesn't that makes sense now?